Ghosted / phased out by my oldest friend

[omgitcantbetrue]

Last Feb I went on a short break with my oldest friend A and another very old friend B, and my two children to Spain where I have a very humble house that needs a lot of work.
Unfortunately there was a fall out, the themes were that Oldest Friend kept to her own routine, getting up as we got home, then asking to go out. ( only one car in the middle of nowhere) Generally not contributing, leaving the living space dirty. Being a taker not a giver, not contributing to group chores such as washing up/ emptying bins, and dominating conversations with her issues/ love life.
I’m not one to mention things and would have let it all slide. We have a long friendship and she does have many positives. She’s very funny and kind.
She also kept on posting images of my daughter on social media. I asked her not to, and thought that would be that. ( It’s not something I do.)
It all blew up when A then posted photos of B in a swimming costume on social Media, my daughter was also in the pic in a bikini.
B was furious. She does not use social media, and is a private person. She was horrified. She’s not one to mince her words, and calmly but forcefully pointed out A’s faults, that she “used” me, treated me like a caterer/ parent.... It wasn’t great.
Once home I tried to contact A. And have done sporadically. We spoke once, she returned a few texts, but in short has been ghosting me for a YEAR.
I’ve supported A, been loyal, listened to hour upon hour upon HOUR of her obsessing over aspects of her life. I’ve always been there for her and am shocked at being ghosted.
Do I send a text? Say I get it that she’s ghosting me and wish her luck?
I don’t know. What to do.....

Sorry. That was long!

I guess it hurts but I would leave it. She sounds immature.

Leave it a while!

Don't do or say anything dramatic.

You don't have to sort it out right now.

Let the dust settle.

honestly? It sounds like A is a shit friend and is no great loss! Id concentrate on your friendship with B and go have some fun. A clearly is a taker, not a giver.

Is this all new behaviour from her to you? Have you been on holiday together and did she act like this before?

If it were me I would just ignore her until she got in contact with me and if it wasn’t with a sincere apology and explanation for her actions I might just continue to ignore...

I know you have history but she honestly sounds like a shot friend. After the holiday she should have been apologising.

I'd focus on building a better relationship with B. A sounds selfish and immature.

It’s upsetting, as she obviously has a narrative in which she was treated badly.
Also, this year I’ve had death in my close family, I’ve moved house and am actually getting quite angry. I’ve always listened to her problems much much more than she has mine. It stings that she’s not checked in. When she needed me, I was there and now I do feel used.

Leave it.

My best friend has been gone nearly 2 years and u guess that's it.

She didn’t treat you well at all OP.

I’d let yourself feel hurt and then try to move on.

A sounds fucking awful! You’re well shot of her!

She'll be back when she wants a free holiday!
B sounds a much better friend and I don't blame her for being furious.

I say leave it too. I don't think you can go back to a friendship as it was and you are now (rightly) cross with her over the lack of support. She's a user and has been called out on it. She hasn't apologised or tried to put things right - she doesn't care! You are better off without that kind of 'friend'.

Do I send a text? Say I get it that she’s ghosting me and wish her luck?

I’m not sure how the voting was supposed to work but I think YABU to text or have anything to do with her again. She does sound like a user.

I’ve known her since she was 5. As adults, it’s true( in my opinion) that she leant on me more that I did on her. I felt like her councillor at times . It was infuriating. But I let it go, because I love her.
I’m also financially much more stable, have a family and have a family, so she felt like I “ had more” But for her to dump me? I don’t know. Just feels horrible.

Regarding what to do, I'd use radio silence. She will probably get in touch eventually, either expecting an apology and feeling aggrieved or pretending nothing happened that she would feel the need to justify.

Regarding her attitude, based on what you say, you are right to be angry. Some people take and don't give.

If you can bear to show her the world and your travels don't revolve around her, you and your DD (not in a bikini) and old friend B might allow yourselves a single social media post of a photo with cocktails by the pool or in the best decorated room or with the best view behind if you return to your place in the sun.

I think sometimes people confuse “old childhood friend I’ve known for ages and met now would run a mile” with “best friend”. She’s not even a friend to you let Ali e best one!

Let alone

She definitely sounds like a taker and not a giver. Sorry it’s taken so long for you to work it out. I can see why this is bitterly disappointing after so many years of friendship.

She isn’t your best mate because best mates don’t do that. Honestly, cut your losses.

Maybe the horse has bolted if this all happened a year ago, even allowing for her to fume a while. Was she normally so insensitive and inconsiderate? You don't really know someone until you go on holiday/live with them.

This probably is a dead relationship now but you could set down your thoughts in a letter and either post it to her or don't - may help.

I would leave it. She's obviously changed and isn't so much of a friend. The only excuse may be that she thought you'd been gossipping about her to B. But to be honest, even apart from everything else, posting pictures of your daughter on social media AFTER you'd asked her not to, seems so disrespectful that I wouldn't be keen to continue the friendship after that.

When she needed me, I was there and now I do feel used.

Well there is your answer. She was not your friend, just someone who used you when it suited.

B seems completely on the money. Iv read so many of these posts and after listing reasons why a friend is horrible it’s always followed with funny and kind or variants. Kind people don’t add others children to social media when asked not to do so. Kind people don’t get a free or cheap holiday in their mates place and expect to be waited, cleaned up after and taxi’d around.

Write her a letter telling her exactly what you've said to us. It will make you feel better to have unloaded, you also know she's got the full facts of how you feel, how hurt you are and how you've needed her support more recently.
She can mull it over and make an informed decision whether she wants to actually contribute to the friendship in the future. Too many misunderstandings are perpetuated only due to lack of talking it through. She needs to know you have felt used.
It's less emotive to put it down on paper. Then you've done your best so just move on.

I guess I miss her. After having read all your posts I think I’m going to delete her contact details. To stop myself from keeping on trying to make contact. It’s painful.
She’s aware of the bereavement, also that I’m isolated having moved across the country. Whatever went down on holiday, our friendship spanned a lifetime, and I’ve been a loyal friend and listener.
The atmosphere got so so bad on holiday. And to be honest B and I did “ “gossip” about her behaviour at the time, which would have been upsetting for her. She also would have resented/ not enjoyed that we spent time working on the house. She’s obviously got her own perspective. I think she sees it as B and I treated HER badly. Tempers got frayed. We argued. I never would have cut her off. Thanks so much. It’s been good to her your perspectives.