Ghosted / phased out by my oldest friend

[omgitcantbetrue]

Last Feb I went on a short break with my oldest friend A and another very old friend B, and my two children to Spain where I have a very humble house that needs a lot of work.
Unfortunately there was a fall out, the themes were that Oldest Friend kept to her own routine, getting up as we got home, then asking to go out. ( only one car in the middle of nowhere) Generally not contributing, leaving the living space dirty. Being a taker not a giver, not contributing to group chores such as washing up/ emptying bins, and dominating conversations with her issues/ love life.
I’m not one to mention things and would have let it all slide. We have a long friendship and she does have many positives. She’s very funny and kind.
She also kept on posting images of my daughter on social media. I asked her not to, and thought that would be that. ( It’s not something I do.)
It all blew up when A then posted photos of B in a swimming costume on social Media, my daughter was also in the pic in a bikini.
B was furious. She does not use social media, and is a private person. She was horrified. She’s not one to mince her words, and calmly but forcefully pointed out A’s faults, that she “used” me, treated me like a caterer/ parent.... It wasn’t great.
Once home I tried to contact A. And have done sporadically. We spoke once, she returned a few texts, but in short has been ghosting me for a YEAR.
I’ve supported A, been loyal, listened to hour upon hour upon HOUR of her obsessing over aspects of her life. I’ve always been there for her and am shocked at being ghosted.
Do I send a text? Say I get it that she’s ghosting me and wish her luck?
I don’t know. What to do.....

I’ve had this happen and the “Hour upon hour of obsessing about all aspects of her life” is very familiar. I was an ear to these people and nothing else as I suspect you are OP. I’m sorry, it really bites especially with how invested you were. I’d say it was over.

Towerraven.

Is’t mad. Feels like I was just a vessel or soundboard, for her to unload and dump on. I pissed her off and that’s it. She’s flounced away. Really bad taste in my mouth about this. It’s been on my mind so much. Number erased now.

Let it go OP.

Actually I'm never sure it is a good idea to go on holidays with a very close friend. Many years ago, I went on holidays with somebody I had known since I was twelve. It was a real disaster, the friend was homesick and was very uncomfortable being somewhere she wasn't familiar with (Italy!). She returned earlier than planned.
We remained friends. A few years ago, she asked me if I'd like to go on a spa weekend with her. We went and it was another disappointing weekend. She continuously rang her husband to the point that I felt in the way even though he was at home. I vowed never again but roll on another few years and we made another arrangement to go on another night away. Again it was very disappointing. She rang her husband to the point it would have been easier to just put him on speaker and give her phone its own chair while we were having dinner. We came home and I could hardly bring myself to talk to her.

Recently she asked about going away for another night. This time, I firmly put my foot down. I am not going to spend money going on a rare night away to listen to her chatting to her husband as if he is in our company.

I'm at a loss as to why she organises these things. From what I can gather, she does this with other friends too. I can only assume they are all as unsuccessful as our little trips away have been. Perhaps she enjoys them. I can't think why.

Ok. Thanks Pattiprice.
It’s interesting your friend is blind to her own behaviour. I think my friend is too.
Maybe I am wrt my own?? Who knows. Not me. I’m going to bed now. Really appreciate your views.

My friend ghosted me after she invites me to hers for my landmark b.day a couple of years ago.

Then she revealed I would be coming along to a gathering at her new boyfriends friends place. I didn't know her bf let alone his friends. So I was hurt said no and was a bit indignant.

She never spoke to me again.

It has been 2 years.

In general, I think that there are usually two sides to the ' treated badly on holiday' thing. I would actually recommend that people try the experiment of getting one friend to spend a couple of days at the other friend's home to see if the routines 'mesh' easily and whether you can tolerate each other at close quarters, before trying a holiday together. BUT as far as I'm concerned, there is only one side to the issue of respecting people's privacy on social media. I suppose I'm a bit like B in this way. To post pictures of your daughter in a bikini without getting permission is extremely thoughtless at best; to do so AFTER being asked not to, is unforgivable in my book. I think you may be well rid of this 'friend'.

I see this type of scenario a lot on MN actually - I really wouldn't confuse the length of time that you've known someone with the strength of a friendship, especially if you've moved away (it sounds like you have, even if it was recently).

This was all a year ago. Yes it sounds like she was a PITA on holiday but it doesn't sound as though the holiday ended well as your other friend waded in and ripped her to shreds on your behalf. It's not as though she's suddenly ghosted you. I think you've left it too long to sort out and should just leave it.

Actually, I feel a bit sorry for friend A.
Friend B had no right to complain about her behaviour to you, though she was free to mention the things that she did regarding her own family
Friend A probably believes you and Friend B were bitching about her behind her back
Were you?

I agree that B should not have included accusations about her treatment of you when she lashed out on her own behalf. That could have given the impression that you had not only gossipped, but actually told B to tell A off for you. So if it weren't for the breach of your daughter's privacy, I might suggest trying to mend fences. But as I say, that breach was pretty unforgivable in my view.

Hmmm... I'm now wondering how well A and B knew each other before you all went away together and if it's a bit of 'three's a crowd' at play here. A didn't behave well but sounds like you and B may have made things worse! Whatever, it's probably not fixable now. Move on.

Fuck her.

I am inclined to think that she is a bit of a user and doesn't like it being pointed out.

The emotional pain of breaking up with a best friend is not often acknowledged.

You come across as a very kind, loving and giving person. There is as much love in an old friendship as in any other close relationship and that love doesn’t just go away over night. What is happening now is about her, not you and how good a friend you’ve been over the years. There’s very little you can do to change her behaviour, you’ve called and spoken and she hasn’t responded, she’s showing you who she is. Ghosting is such a huge betrayal in any relationship.

You need to give your feelings time. You are grieving for you lost friendship and for your lost relative. Double whammy. You won’t get over this overnight and there will always be a scar left from this relationship.

She might come back into your life, but she might not.. Sadly, that’s her choice. Send birthday and Christmas cards if you don’t want to go NC. Treat her silence with grace.

Then spend time with people who are there for you, who show up when you need them, they are the ones to cherish. (Friend B sounds nice)
With time you will think of her less often, a year is no time at all to get over an old friend.

A sounds like an arsehole anyway, I don’t think you should spend another moment worrying about it. I think she’s done you a favour tbh.

Crispsandwiches. Nail on the head. She HATED it being pointed out.
She really resented the way that B is very forth right. B would just say. ... Dont you think you should take your plate off the table? Or .... I think you should wash up... Or... I don’t like food in the bedroom. Please remove the dirty plates from our shared space.

Hazell and DD1. That’s the thing. We WERE talking about it. B was a bit shocked at how I seemed to accept it all. I was angry but not confrontational about the photos. Probably PA.

Girlattheback.

It’s a huge betrayal. And actually, I want to be graceful about it all. But honestly if she DID get back in touch, right now I feel like I’d tell her to jog on.

I totally get that. You’re understandably hurt and angry right now and would have every right to tell her to jog on or even something much stronger . She has treated you badly, real friends work these things out.

As this all happened a year ago, I wonder if the “anniversary” is magnifying how you’re feeling about the situation?

You don’t need to make any immediate choices about how you respond or how you contact her / fix this. Just deal with your own grief, get through that for now. Doing anything else with this when you’re angry/raw may only make things worse.

I think you sound like a lovely friend to have.
Take care.

Sorry. I’m banging on now.
Over the years, our phone calls were literally dominated by her inane withering about her love life. She genuinely would forget basic manners, like .. How are you? ... What’s going on in your life etc.She could talk for SO long about herself, it was like I could just place the phone on the table, do some chores, pick it up, and she’d still be talking.
To be honest, it did upset me at the time. I’d think... Wow. You can’t even SEE ME. It was like I wasn’t allowed to have any problems, as she saw my life as being easier than hers?
I’m waffling now. But my point is, maybe it wasn’t perfect in the first place. I wanted it to be. Because of our shared history, I do love her, and also don’t have that many friends!

Don’t apologise. You overlooked your ex friends negative qualities because, as you said in your original post, she’s funny and kind. We all do that, no one is perfect. The good outweighed the bad .... until it didn’t.

Don’t count the number of friends you have, count the quality. I wonder if without friend A in your life you might find that you have more time for other people and those friendships will grow and fill some of the gaps that friendship has left in your life.

This is perhaps presumptuous of me, but I wonder if you are a bit too tolerant of friends domineering over you, and disrespecting your privacy. This seems to apply to both A and B in different ways: A dominating your conversations and never asking about you, and eventually posting your daughter's pics on social media without permission; B not only scolding A for what she had done to her, but taking it upon herself to lecture her on what she'd done or not done to you. Perhaps you need to establish stronger boundaries earlier in the friendships? Many people think I'm a bit of a 'pushover' but I don't think I would tolerate these forms of behaviour for long.