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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about dp fathers comments

55 replies

furrybadger · 04/02/2020 15:09

Absolutely raging right now, so my partners just said his dad keeps asking when we’re having a baby, he’s told his dad that we’ve been trying for about 5 years and apparently his dad has said the reason I can’t get pregnant is because I’m too fat and need to loose weight, like what the actual fuck ! I’m so fucking angry I’m crying and my partner can’t understand what the big deal is I know I need to loose weight I’ve lost 20lb so far but I just don’t get what the fuck my weight has to do with his dad, AIBU to have sat and cried for the last 3 hours 😔

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 04/02/2020 16:34

Obviously the FIL is a complete tool, he has no idea why you are struggling to conceive - could be any number of reasons.
I'd be more concerned at your partner's inability to enforce boundaries with his father.

I would never dream of asking my DS and DDIL when or if they are considering having children - absolutely none of my business. That's the point at which he should have told his Dad to keep his beak out. He shouldn;t have shared that you have been trying for five years - that is personal information and not his to share - it is information that is shared between you as a couple so should be joint consent over who or when you discuss it with anyone.
Your Dp really needs to practise saying 'fuck off and mind your own business' to his Dad. And to stand up for you if his Dad says nasty things. and not repeat them to you if his dad carries on doing it.

Unless your FIL happens to be an ob/gyn (and even if he is -since he wouldn't be YOUR ob/gyn) then his views are of no interest to anyone. Don;t cry over it - just tell yourself FIl is an interfering man who says nasty things - that's his problem not yours. Tell your DP you don;t appreciate being 'blamed' for infertility and he needs to step up and support you as you will support him in whatever measures the medics think will help your situation.

Crinkle77 · 04/02/2020 16:40

His dad doesn’t ‘need to mind his own business’ because his son has specifically discussed his problems conceiving with him.

It isn't any of the FIL's business to ask when they're going to have a baby though is it? The son only volunteered this information because the FIL was being a nosy and frankly quite rude. I have seen loads of posts on here people have said it's rude to ask people when they're going to start a family or why they haven't got kids yet. Well it's none of their damn business.

MintySpud · 04/02/2020 16:42

Congrats on your weight loss

Your boyfriend is an absolute bellend.

YasssKween · 04/02/2020 16:45

Your partner telling you his dad this is spectacularly cuntish - do you not think he's an absolute nob for telling you his dad said that?!

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2020 16:50

I think there is a lot of context missing here to be honest.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 17:02

I agree that context is important here.

For those who are saying the FIL should 'mind his own business'

It's not totally outside of the realms of normality for a parent to ask if/when there might be a grandchild in the future.

He's his dad, not a random bus driver or something.

saraclara · 04/02/2020 17:05

Absolutely no way that we can tell whether the FIL was being obnoxious, or simply having a conversation where the two men talked about the optimum life changes that might help.

Your partner shouldn't have brought his dad into any conversation with you about your weight, whether your partner was being obnoxious or whether he was also trying to have a serious conversation about lifestyle changes that might help.

ThatWasThat · 04/02/2020 17:06

Maybe....his dad was trying to be encouraging. If he knows you've been losing weight, he could be thinking that you're taking the right actions and on the way to a successful pregancy.

yellowallpaper · 04/02/2020 17:11

if you've been trying to conceive for 5 years its about time you saw your GP for testing. Both of you of course.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 17:11

Could be anything really. It could even be that the DP wanted to start a conversation about fertility and weight and used his dad's comment to do it.

That's the trouble when an OP starts a thread and doesn't hang around for a few minutes to clarify a couple of points.

They normally return to a thread full of speculation.

Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 17:12

Agree with PP’s, why did your DP mention this to you?

Being obese can affect fertility but unless both of you have been extensively tested it cannot be blamed purely on that. Could be your DP’s sperm count so absolutely nothing to do with your weight.

Yeahwhatevs · 04/02/2020 17:12

I agree that your DH shouldn't have told you. He may have needed to confide in someone because he's upset about you as a couple not being able to conceive and actually I think that's fair enough. I don't think anyone would criticise a woman and say she shouldn't confide in her mum. But the conversation should have ended there unless the husband is actually trying to get you to lose weight himself and using this conversation as an excuse to say that to you.

Brabble · 04/02/2020 17:16

I’ve named changed, I jokingly said to my partner this morning that as soon as I loose the rest of the weight I want to loose I’ll probably end up pregnant to which he told me which I’ve said earlier, I’ve been tested and have shown no problems so unexplained, partner is booked in for sperm test, my partner had a letter go to his dads as hadn’t changed his gp and his dad opened the letter and started questioning my partner which is where the comments have come from

Sn0tnose · 04/02/2020 17:23

So what did your partner say when his father said that? And when he told him that he’d opened and read his mail?

If he didn’t wipe the floor with him, I’d be quite concerned about his loyalties.

Jomarchsburntskirt · 04/02/2020 17:24

I suppose given that excess weight can affect fertility he wasn’t wrong in what he says. You’ve said yourself you need to lose more weight. I would question why your partner felt the need to tell you something which would clearly upset you. You didn’t need to hear what his father’s opinion was. It sounds like you’re working hard to lose the weight which is commendable. Good luck going forward 💐

Brabble · 04/02/2020 17:25

His dad said he thought the letter was for him which I think is absolute shit, I don’t know he didn’t tell me what he said when he said that, I’m about 2-3 stone over idea weight so I’m not hugely obese and I know loosing weight can help while ttc but I’m just pissed off that his dad is commenting on it when he knows nothing

letmeinthroughyourwindow · 04/02/2020 17:26

I agree that your dp is the main problem here. I wonder whether fil really did phrase it like that, or whether your dp set about to deliberately upset you or shock you into action. Could it be something that he himself thinks but hasn't wanted to say? Could he have touched a nerve because you think he has a valid point? I would focus on continuing with your weight loss and seeing gp.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/02/2020 17:26

Yes it’s a bit unkind to say but why the hell did your dh tell you? Stupid or what?!

DaveTheDesigner · 04/02/2020 17:28

Your partner is a complete arse to pass that comment on to you no matter whether it was a direct repeat or his interpretation. Quite possibly his father will equally pissed off if it was meant only for his son's ears.

KurriKurri · 04/02/2020 17:29

So he opens his son's mail - as I said before, a man with no boundaries.
Even if it was an accident, you realise pretty quickly you've opened a someone else's letter (as soon as you see 'Dear .....') and a medical appointment is clearly no one else's business, so FIL should not have asked about it.

Also - you say you have had tests and no obvious problem why - if he was sharing anyway - didn;t your DP say 'no, she's fine the doctor's have said no problem with Brabble'. Is he scared of his father that he can't tell him to respect your privacy.

Butterfly84 · 04/02/2020 17:31

I agree with pps...

You DP is the problem. Your FiL likely said something like you may have had issues trying to conceive because you're overweight. Even if he said this unkindly using the word 'fat', he was obviously trying to get his view across. Your DP should not have passed this statement onto you, it's cruel and horrible.

Not sure why you would be trying to have a baby with someone who confidently tells you that someone thinks you're fat.

mumwon · 04/02/2020 17:31

out of curiosity is boyfriend over weight (underweight, drinks, smokes, older, wears to tight paints, had mumps et al...)? Infertility is 25% likely to be either of you or 50% both or of no known cause - & tomorrow you could fall pregnant (crosses fingers) & its NOONES Fault

saraclara · 04/02/2020 17:40

That's happened to me. My daughters both moved out years ago, and I open my mail without even looking at who it's for these days (I live alone)
I once opened a hospital letter that turned out to be for my daughter. And when you're bewildered at why you have this letter, you don't stop reading instantly. I stopped as soon as I realised, but of course by then it was clear that my daughter had an appointment at a particular department. I couldn't pretend I hadn't opened it, so I had to call her to let her know of the letter's existence, and to apologise for opening it. It would have been weird and uncaring not to have said anything else, what with being her mum. So I just said I hoped everything was okay, and left it at that.

On that occasion, she simply said she was okay and it was nothing to worry about. Maybe OP's FIL also simply asked if everything was okay but his son was open and forthcoming.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 17:42

I jokingly said to my partner this morning that as soon as I loose the rest of the weight I want to loose I’ll probably end up pregnant

If I've read that right, hid dad said what you've already said yourself?

In other words, your fertility might be affected by your weight?

Karenisbaren · 04/02/2020 17:45

Sometimes people are to large and it does cause problems, are you fat? Also sometimes children can minstepreet the way adults have said something, if it was not true then you wouldnt be upset, however your doing something about it.

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