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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be obsessed with wedding planning before I'm engaged?

35 replies

WeddingObsessed · 04/02/2020 14:10

Name changed because I don't want this frivolous nonsense linked with my usual name...

To be honest, I didn't think I was actually bothered about weddings, but the more I go to, the more I think I want one! DP is gearing up for a proposal. I have told him I am not bothered about extravagant ring/fancy proposal but, in his words, this is 'the one thing he gets to do' and he's going to do it 'properly', whatever that means.

The thing is, I have started wedding planning. I have extensively googled venues, dresses, bridesmaid dresses, photographers, caterers, wedding bands... AIBU doing all this when I am not even engaged? DP is used to me and thinks it's mildly, eye-rollingly amusing, but I have played down the extent to which I am already obsessing about table plans and guest lists.

I started from the point of view of assessing the budget (I think this is sensible - I have subsequently funnelled off a separate little savings account which should be suitably full in 1-2 years), but I am worried it is starting to get out of hand...

If you want to vote:
YABU: this is madness; you don't even have a ring
YANBU: failing to plan is planning to fail; keep googling florists...

OP posts:

Dozer · 04/02/2020 14:13

What is your financial situation / likely budget? Do you have other financial priorities, eg housing, plans for DC?

Why would your DP assume that his involvement would be limited to the proposal?

MrsMozartMkII · 04/02/2020 14:15

It's not hurting anyone so crack on and enjoy yourself lass.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 04/02/2020 14:16

Please don’t lumber yourself with planning a wedding before you absolutely have to (ie you’re engaged).

It’s a melt. I had a low-key DIY wedding and it still took up a year of headspace. The morning after I remember turning to DH like “thank fuck that’s over!”

Now when I hear about friends getting engaged I’m delighted for them, shortly followed by a smidge of pity for having to go through the absolute bollocks that is planning a large and expensive party.

mytypeonpaper · 04/02/2020 14:16

I was addicted to the website youandyourwddding.com

Newnamewhodis1 · 04/02/2020 14:19

Please don't marry a man who says he only has 'one thing to do'. One? One thing? Sounds like a dickhead

lilyheather1 · 04/02/2020 14:19

Only advice would be don't get obsessed with it. Doesn't matter if you're engaged or not but the whole day is over so quickly if you spend hours upon hours of your life planning out every detail, you won't enjoy it or the day won't live up to your perfected plans. Enjoy it definitely, but remember the bigger picture 😊

Pipandmum · 04/02/2020 14:20

I'm moving to London in 18 months but I never stop looking at rightmove in various areas to see what's on. I can't buy until I sell and not putting my house on the market for a year but I can't help it. Spend hours looking, streetview, imagining how I'd redesign the kitchen of this property or that, revisit favourites to see of they've sold, revisit favourites that have sold...
So keep at it girl!

user14928465 · 04/02/2020 14:21

this is 'the one thing he gets to do'

Sounds like the beginning of a fantastic partnership.

Dozer · 04/02/2020 14:21

There are lots of threads on MN from those of us who regret the time, energy and money spent on our weddings. Relative to other things, eg housing, childcare / costs of DC, training/study to help us progress at work, travel.

When setting your budget would think hard about the opportunity costs.

itsamood · 04/02/2020 14:23

Yikes.

You sound like hard work (I’m sure you’re lovely though)

I’ll be honest, I have zero interest in weddings, including my own. It’s one day and prices inflate rapidly as soon as you say “wedding”

Complete anathema to me tbh.

ferretface · 04/02/2020 14:24

It's harmless and the saving is sensible. I had a bit saved for wedding expenses before we got engaged and I'm glad I did. Don't regret the money we spent on our wedding day at all, it was one of the best and most memorable days of my life. But I could have been less frugal in the true planning phase if I'd had more saved up in advance!

OverthinkingThis · 04/02/2020 14:25

YABU but not so much because you don't have a proposal yet, more because it sounds like you aren't doing the wedding planning together.

hula008 · 04/02/2020 14:31

I'm planning a wedding at the moment and have found at times that even though it's not a particularly fancy affair I do get obsessed.

I've found that it's not healthy to keep looking at things - I get more and more sucked in to silly decisions and end up feeling anxious about it.

I do think that your DP needs to be involved in the planning - it's both your wedding, not just yours. We just divvied up tasks and responsibilities and check with the other person.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 04/02/2020 14:40

in his words, this is 'the one thing he gets to do' and he's going to do it 'properly', whatever that means.

Heard these words soooooooo many times on this forum, and it never ends well..

Winterwoollies · 04/02/2020 14:47

I planned my wedding myself but I did wait until I was engaged. I waited quite a while before I got started actually as it wasn’t something I was particularly enthused about! I also got married in a field and woodland and so I had to do it all. There was no infrastructure. I just did a bit each day and made lots of stuff. My fiancé chose bits with me but wasn’t super keen on making stuff so he didn’t. But it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t particularly stressed about any of it. If it’s something that you’re enjoying, fill your boots. I can’t understand people who get really highly strung about it though. It’s just a big, expensive party.

Sushiroller · 04/02/2020 14:49

Yabu.
I'm engaged and can barely be bothered.

You need to get a ring on it girl...

pelirocco123 · 04/02/2020 14:51

A wedding is just a day out with family and friends and a new frock , a marriage should be considered a lifetime project .
Don't get so involved with planning the 'perfect ' day , marriage is bloody hard work , and you only get out what you put in

( says someone who is 39 years married , and planning on having many more years )

mencken · 04/02/2020 14:52

it's a one day party. Please, frankly, get a life. And I would not wish the frilly-frock day to be the best day of your life as it would be all downhill from there.

you are presumably two adults. Why are you waiting for this proposal and why oh why are you wasting so much headspace on a one day party?

marriage, not wedding.

mauvaisereputation · 04/02/2020 14:53

TBH from observing all the people I know who have got married, the ones with massive expectations from their "big day" often seem rather deflated by the reality of it. Personally I think it's healthier to take a more relaxed approach.

Sheusedtobesomeonelse · 04/02/2020 15:01

I got engaged in november - a total surprise proposal actually and we're getting married in March.
I could not bear any longer thinking about all the stuff to do , details, blah blah blah. I got a dress, we booked the restaurant for lunch and sorted a restaurant for the evening for our friends, i'm letting my future inlaws organise a big paella on the sunday and that is more than enough. When i said "yes" it was on the understanding that it would be a small affair and it has escalated to more than i was counting on for - though I am very much looking forward to it...
I am actually way more excited about our mini honeymoon for 5 days in Lisbon flying out on the Monday afterwards though in a great hotel and discovering a city i have wanted to visit for ages!

I agree with PPs though that the sentance he used isn't very inspiring for a successful balanced marriage (as opposed to wedding!!).

Original poster

WeddingObsessed · 04/02/2020 15:05

Please don't marry a man who says he only has 'one thing to do'. One? One thing? Sounds like a dickhead

No, no, you have misunderstood. The one thing he gets to do by himself without me interfering. If I had my way I would have a super cheap second hand ring, but apparently I don't get to have my way with this!

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/02/2020 15:07

Don’t plan your wedding before you’re engaged. For a start, you’re robbing yourself of the excitement of each stage. Secondly, everyone who does this seems to regret it. Thirdly, the planning seems to go on forever even if you have a pretty short engagement...

Let him propose, plan it after, together. Stop trying to jump the gun.

Halestorm · 04/02/2020 15:10

So you both know you are getting engaged, I don't see why you wouldn't plan ahead.

Some people love that stuff. Some don't. I like parts of it, and the bits I was clueless about I deferred to others. Either way the details are of small importance to me, what really matters is that my guests are fed well and watered well and entertained for the day, and I've that in hand.

Original poster

WeddingObsessed · 04/02/2020 15:18

Please don’t lumber yourself with planning a wedding before you absolutely have to (ie you’re engaged).

But by doing it in advance don't I save myself headspace? Or am I just prolonging it? I am having a fab time, but will I have sucked all the joy out of it by the time it comes to actual plans?

YABU but not so much because you don't have a proposal yet, more because it sounds like you aren't doing the wedding planning together.

But I love planning things (trips, parties, DIY projects) and he hates it! He gets a say, obviously - we have already discussed what he would like/not like, and I have shown him venues etc. that I think we should shortlist.

I don't see a reason to make him actively plan when he doesn't like it. Just like he sees no reason to involve me in day-to-day cleaning and laundry!

OP posts:

ferretface · 04/02/2020 15:38

OP this sort of thread will attract loads of commenters remarking that weddings are frivolous, nobody should spend more than £100 on their wedding day, weddings are infantile etc etc. Ignore them and do what makes you both happy.

There is obviously a limit to how much you can plan if your DP is not actively involved at this point and doesn't want or expect to be until you've got engaged. He'll probably want more input in practice when you set a date as decisions about how much you spend etc absolutely have to be made jointly. But researching options, saving up etc etc is all perfectly fine and sensible and if you enjoy planning parties you should hopefully find it quite fun. Both me & my DH enjoyed the planning stage (although some aspects are tedious) although we enjoyed the actual day more.

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