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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil told family we considered abortion

41 replies

Cornishbelle · 04/02/2020 11:07

I will try and keep this short.

Recently been supporting mil as her mother passed away. Funeral was yesterday and during the time after the service, my cousin in law who we have not seen for some time, asked how we were getting on with now two children. I explained we were loving it despite it being shock to system initially (slightly larger than average age gap) cousin replied "ah yes, xxxx (mil) said how you had rang them and asked them to come over for chat as you did not know what to do". This was the exact wording we used at the time and basically alluded to us considering if we continue with the unplanned pregnancy.
To say I'm shocked is understatement. We were told they would support us whatever and would stay confidential. Our lovely Daughter now 18 months and I feel shame looking at her thinking we nearly ended her life before it began. And to know that mil has betrayed our trust is so horrid.

I feel bad that I told my husband last night but he could see something is wrong. He is so angry and wants it out with mil but I've said ti him how can we under the recent circumstances? We don't even know now if she told her mum too :( wwyd?

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 04/02/2020 11:09

Why did you tell MIL?

Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 11:12

I just wanted to say you shouldn’t feel ashamed about considering a termination. The pregnancy was an unplanned shock, you considered all options and that’s absolutely fine. Abortion is nothing to be ashamed of anyway.

You know not to tell MIL anything private anymore, she had no right to do this.

Motherclucker01 · 04/02/2020 11:13

Well with hindsight why on earth did you need to discuss it with MIL to begin with?
But it’s done now and she has clearly blabbed to everyone so I’m not sure what you can do?

Tell he she has really upset you?

You can’t take away what she has told people, you can’t make people un-know.

What do you want as an end goal?

Trunkysaurus · 04/02/2020 11:13

Regardless of her grief, dont tell the gossiping cunt anything and back away from the relationship. She is poison.

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 11:15

That’s awful of her

Jess827 · 04/02/2020 11:17

Abortion is nothing to be ashamed about,for you and many people it may be the right choice.
However, I understand why you want this information kept private.

Personally I'd never tell MIL anything personal ever again, it wasn't her information to share, and it's hurtful and disappointing that she hasn't respected that... Even if you hadn't made the desire to have it kept private, who in their right mind thinks it's appropriate to tell others?!

Tell your MiL if you want but you can't undo the situation. I'd not tell her another damn thing, shallow "look at the weather" chat from now on.

Original poster
Cornishbelle · 04/02/2020 11:17

Believe me I am now wondering this myself. All I can say is we were totally blindsided and we believed pil would give us unbiased support and not judge either way. We were going round in circles and couldn't see what to do. Feel stupid to have put trust in mil and we should have been stronger and come to a decision without telling anyone. As they say hindsight is a great thing

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 04/02/2020 11:19

She will turn this back on you.
Do not engage.
Just don't tell her anything about your family that you want private.
You could say X said we were going to not continue with having baby2. I wonder where she got that idea from. I thought it was a very hurtful thing to say. Do you have any idea why she would think that?
Then state at MIL. Till she goes bright red.

billy1966 · 04/02/2020 11:19

Absolute poison.

Terrible breach of trust.

Do not feel guilty about trying to figure out what was best for you.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But Christ your MIL is just awful to have done that.

Actually a bit unforgivable.

I would never trust her with anything again.

No wonder your husband is upset.

Personally I would let him have it out with her.

Original poster
Cornishbelle · 04/02/2020 11:22

I should add I believe abortion is absolutely the right choice if this is what the mother decides, and such a brave decision. It was by far the hardest choice of my life to think of and my heart goes out to anyone who has had to make this choice

OP posts:
Selfsettling3 · 04/02/2020 11:22

You know you can’t trust her again.

LochJessMonster · 04/02/2020 11:26

Those asking about why they asked MIL, do you not ask your parents for advice on things? Why would you not look for support from your mum? Its not that unusual!

crystal1717 · 04/02/2020 11:32

Women talk. Have you only just realised!

If you dump your female relatives and friends for talking to third party females about what you've said to them, you'll have no f and f.
Or option two is to keep all conversations very superficial but that hardly leads to depth and f and f would drift away anyway over time. There's only so much bragging and 100% superficiality that relationships can stand.

It's a fact of life.

kilburnfrenchie · 04/02/2020 11:32

Honestly I am not sure it is actually the biggest deal. You were surprised, you considered options, you made a decision.

Anyone with half a brain already knows that’s is likely what happened.

Anyone with half a brain won’t judge you for it (and doesn’t even care)

No one has been hurt. It’s not actually worth having a barney over- esp if your MIL is recently bereaved. Be the bigger person.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/02/2020 11:36

There's no answer to this, really... the facts are now that you approached her for support, she has mentioned it to someone else, and now you know that anything you tell her is not confidential.

There's no real reason to have a big fight - even if she promised to keep everything from now on completely to herself, would you believe her? And she can't fix what she's done.

It's a sad position but you know where you stand now.

itsamood · 04/02/2020 11:41

To those asking why OP asked her mother in law.....does it matter? The fact that she’s breached the trust of her OP and her husband is appalling

Thelnebriati · 04/02/2020 11:44

She's entirely in the wrong, no one has any right to pry or judge.
At least you know where you stand with her in future.

Mintjulia · 04/02/2020 11:47

Don't raise it with her. She cannot be trusted to act decently.

Don't discuss anything with her in future.

DonKeyshot · 04/02/2020 11:49

Wearing my eternal optimist hat, although your cousin quoted what you said to your mil word for word when you rang her and asked to see her, I wouldn't read into this that she disclosed you were considering abortion.

'Not knowing what to do' could mean that you didn't know how you would cope financially, needing extra space in your home and not being able to afford to move, etc etc, and generally being in shock at what was clearly a surprise to you.

In any event, you know now that you shouldn't have involved mil nor should you confide any intimate personal details of your marriage or what should stay within its confines to her..

icannotremember · 04/02/2020 11:50

Women talk. Have you only just realised!
What sexist bollocks.

OP, your MIL was 100% in the wrong- and at least you know now she is appallingly untrustworthy. IDK if I would 'have it out' with her- I wouldn't be doing so rightaway, but I think at some point I would have to mention it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/02/2020 11:50

Some people just can’t keep their mouths shut. You will now know not to tell her anything confidential in future.

Nothing you can do about it now, but at some time once the funeral is well behind her, I think I’d definitely tell her (as nicely as possible) how disappointed and upset I was that she’d blabbed about something so intensely private and serious.

If she gets upset, so be it. It’s her own fault.
I dare say she’d told the cousin to keep it to him/herself, too!

Such is the way of ‘private’ confidences.

CaptainButtock · 04/02/2020 11:54

Christ. I would NEVER give my mil ammunition like that. She just wouldn’t be able to resist.
Lesson learned I guess Confused

And yes, forgive yourself for weighing up your options. Any sensible person would.

SummerInSun · 04/02/2020 11:57

I think people are very quick to declare the MIl poison and awful - that seems very unfair to me, to assume she was gossiping in a nasty way. It sounds like you have a lovely, supportive family where people do talk to each other about very private things. Some families do, some don't. She may have understood "keep it private" to mean don't spread it around, but close family is taken for granted to be ok. Or it may be that although she was so supportive with you, she was actually very upset by the conversation and wanted to talk to someone she loved and trusted without burdening you at a difficult time with her emotions.

In my mother's large family, everyone shares everything with everyone. Was very challenging for my father to deal with whenever they married, as respecting each other's privacy was regarded as very important in his family. My DH and I had similar mismatched understandings of what was ok to share when we got together.

Upshot is, the only way you can be absolutely sure of keeping something private is if you don't tell anyone.

msflibble · 04/02/2020 12:02

YANBU, but considering a termination is not shameful. Bringing a child into this world is a huge deal and there are many good reasons to decide against it, it's nothing personal against your daughter.

My grandmother considered aborting my mother has she had been ill with malaria and didn't feel strong enough to carry the pregnancy. She was forced to have my mum by her father, who threatened to tell the authorities if she had the termination. Even now, I feel only rage towards him, and compassion for my grandmother, and my mother felt the same.

Your MIL has suffered a loss; leave it some time before broaching the issue with her. It's a private matter that she should not have shared, but now is not the time to bring it up. It's unlikely her indiscretion was malicious and more just due to carelessness. At least you know now not to tell her anything sensitive in the future!

KatyCarrCan · 04/02/2020 12:08

I think you've jumped to lots of conclusions. If MIL is usually supportive, then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. She might not have mentioned anything until after your DC was born. And it may have been a throwaway comment in response to others commenting on the age gap.

I don't see this as the big betrayal you consider it to be. But I wouldn't be shocked about a family with an age-gap thinking about whether to continue with a pregnancy or not. I think your shock is tied up with your judgements around that.