Mil told family we considered abortion

[Cornishbelle]

I will try and keep this short.

Recently been supporting mil as her mother passed away. Funeral was yesterday and during the time after the service, my cousin in law who we have not seen for some time, asked how we were getting on with now two children. I explained we were loving it despite it being shock to system initially (slightly larger than average age gap) cousin replied "ah yes, xxxx (mil) said how you had rang them and asked them to come over for chat as you did not know what to do". This was the exact wording we used at the time and basically alluded to us considering if we continue with the unplanned pregnancy.
To say I'm shocked is understatement. We were told they would support us whatever and would stay confidential. Our lovely Daughter now 18 months and I feel shame looking at her thinking we nearly ended her life before it began. And to know that mil has betrayed our trust is so horrid.

I feel bad that I told my husband last night but he could see something is wrong. He is so angry and wants it out with mil but I've said ti him how can we under the recent circumstances? We don't even know now if she told her mum too :( wwyd?

I feel for you, difficult subject. I made the huge mistake of telling my DSs wife, whome I thought I could trust, that I had plastic surgery, and then they divorced, I didnt want anyone to know but really thought she would keep quiet!

'Not knowing what to do' could mean that you didn't know how you would cope financially, needing extra space in your home and not being able to afford to move, etc etc, and generally being in shock at what was clearly a surprise to you.

Agree with this.

I’d want to rule that out before going in all guns blazing.

Especially as it would take someone to be spectacularly socially unaware to essentially say “So you were going to abort your youngest then?” at a family funeral.

I'm so sorry, OP. You've been betrayed and it must feel horrible.

There isn't really anything you can do – it's not a good time to have it out with her, and anyway even if you leave it and tackle her later on, will she apologise? do you want an apology?

Maybe just accept that you know you can't trust her again and won't be able to turn to her for support on anything in the future.

I think some of these responses are a bit much considering all that was said was that the OP and her husband had gone round because they ‘didn’t know what to do’. That could mean anything.

You cousin didn't actually say she told them you considered a termination. It might have been said you just had a chat about how you would cope.

Unless you ask you wont know, I would assume they dont know and leave it.

Women talk. Have you only just realised!

No. Gossips talk. And hideous people who can't keep their trap shut. Jeez. stop with the sexist stereotyping. Presumably they're talking while chugging prosecco after they've all been shoe shopping?

It's doubly disappointing. Mil massively but also cousin. Why would they say such a thing to you? I have several times had such gossip blabbed into my unwilling ears. The last thing I would do is quote it back to the subject, let alone at a funeral

'She might not have mentioned anything until after your DC was born. And it may have been a throwaway comment in response to others commenting on the age gap.'

@KatyCarrCan that doesn't make it ok.

She may have understood "keep it private" to mean don't spread it around, but close family is taken for granted to be ok

Since when has "keep it private" ever meant that?

It's people like you and the MIL that mean that I never tell people anything that matters.

I don’t see how you all think she has said “they were going to abort” rather than we went round as they didn’t know what to do... which doesn’t say anything about termination. Also- I think that your own (misplaced) feelings of guilt OP are clouding your judgement now. It wasn’t wrong to panic and consider all your options and you can’t say it’s okay for some women and the right thing for some while beating yourself up for even considering it as that shows you actually judge anyone who aborts harshly and think it’s wrong.
You did nothing wrong ergo MIL didn’t either. Get over it and be glad you have a supportive and open family who talk.

Tough one, I said a lot of weird stuff I wouldn’t usually say out loud when I was in the initial grieving stages last year, but those were only my inner thoughts and never information about others.

If she’s usually a considerate woman, I’d let the dust settle and explain why you felt the comment was not okay with you. I’m usually one to give the benefit of the doubt though.

YANBU to feel betrayed but the ‘not sure what you were going to do’ comment could easily be taken as not sure about finances, space in the home as PP’s have suggested.

My MIL gossips about me all the sodding time with her friends and it drives me up the wall, when I noticed the pattern I started limiting what I told her, she’s a lovely Nanny to my DC so I won’t cut her off or brand her as poisonous - I just don’t give her anything to use as fodder anymore.

Please do not take this out on MIL. This is real life and the only way to keep something secret is not to tell ANYONE. Asking people not to tell is risky. She will no doubt regret letting it out. What is done is done. You have your lovely child. Put it to bed. There are worse things happen. Do not let this become a family problem. You told them , perhaps in hindsight a little unwisely, She is not a wicked person, was just a little indiscreet. Forgive her

Why did you tell MIL?

Maybe because she needed someone to talk to? Not everyone on mumsnet hate their MIL

MIL was wrong but so was cousin-in-law - imagine asking someone such a thing! Especially as it was the funeral of your DH’s gran! In hindsight I’d have said to the cousin “What exactly do you mean?” with a puzzled expression - let her explain herself.

This is the sort of thing my MIL would do. She is lovely but can’t keep anything to herself - not out of malice or gossip, but she’s of the ilk that family should know everything. My DH is the same. Which is why I tell neither of them anything that I don’t want broadcast around the town! My SIL (DH sister) had a miscarriage recently and has no idea that we all know - she would be furious.

@Interestedwoman I think it does make a difference. If the cousin asked or commented on the age-gap and MIL said yy they called us to come round when they first found out because they didn't know what to do. Firstly, it doesn't mean the MIL told family they were considering an abortion (which is what the OP says). Secondly, it's obvious the OP didn't have an abortion. Thirdly, it's completely non-remarkable that people with an age-gap are usually shocked and have a discussion about it. It's a non-event and I can't imagine making such a big deal about it when MIL has just lost her mum. I think there's an undercurrent of the OP feeling ashamed or guilty that she considered an abortion but that guilt or shame isn't the MIL's fault.

So your mother in law said to another (possibly close?) family member that you and your husband asked her for support when you were pregnant and didn't know what to do?
Unless there's a lot more to it, it doesn't really sound like gossip or that she said you had considered an abortion.