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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my 8yo DS with DM(87)?

60 replies

IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 00:13

She lives by herself (in sheltered accommodation abroad), is slightly forgetful/gets confused sometimes, but she is mostly OK. Has a bad ankle at the moment after a fall, but she is still mobile.

Would you leave a (just turned) 8yo for a few hours with an elderly woman until another family member comes to get him?

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 04/02/2020 00:16

Yes but I’d send him with his own packed lunch and his own entertainment. I wouldn’t say longer than 2 hours though

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 00:30

Thanks, yes I'd thought about the packed lunch etc
but it might be longer than 2 hours, say from breakfast until lunchtime.
I do not think this is a good idea, but I am really struggling for childcare.

OP posts:
Blackbear19 · 04/02/2020 00:37

Very much depends on the child. Yes my DNephew would be fine DS not so much.

As long as he has entertainment and acess to a phone if necessary. I'm sure they'll be fine looking after each other.

teenagetantrums · 04/02/2020 00:49

Yes send him with food and entertainment. To be honest mist 8years would be fine alone with that. All you need is an adult to raise alarm if any problems. As long as you she can use a phone will be fine.

managedmis · 04/02/2020 00:51

Needs must. You need to insist that he behaves and that he understands she's elderly. Also, I'd inform the sheltered accommodation security guard that he's there.

alexdgr8 · 04/02/2020 00:53

it is not ideal.
does she have any fitter friends in the complex who could look in, if you have met them.
does your son and her speak the same language.
what does she feel about it.
be aware many older people do not feel up to the responsibility of child minding, but feel they have to do it out of family loyalty.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 00:55

@Blackbear19 - when you say that your DS might not be ok, what type of issues do you imagine?

He does not have a phone himself, but would have her phone.
He keeps saying he'll be ok and 'will look after granny' but I am really worried.

OP posts:
SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 04/02/2020 01:00

How much time does he spend with her atm?

Could you try 30 mins while you wait in the car, then 1 hour and pop to the shops for go for a walk then gradually build it up?

Does your DM do anything like knit or sew or play cards or draw/paint or play the piano or xyz that she could teach to your DS?

Then they could have a joint activity that they can both enjoy

What happens during her mealtimes does she join others or have it in her flat? Does she have a sleep/nap in her chair after lunch?

cuckooken · 04/02/2020 01:00

No, no i wouldn't.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 01:03

@managedmis - yes, there is 24 security so I would def let them know. He totally understand she is elderly. He is desperate to come with me (I need to travel for work, and DH will be away too) so he is promising he will be good, but you never know!

@alexdgr8 - totally agree it is not ideal. I am really struggling with this one. He is bilingual and she speaks a bit of English.
what does she feel about it? she does not know yet!

OP posts:
SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 04/02/2020 01:06

Has she had other children to look after recently?

Other grandchildren or great nephews/nieces?

Or is it you then .......... Years later your DS?

Has she looked after him before?

How did that go?

How much interest does she take in him when you go there together or she comes to your home or out for day or afternoon or whatever

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 01:07

@SUBisYodrethwhenLarping

  • How much time does he spend with her atm?
He sees her when we travel to visit (she lives abroad). I have left him with her when I go shopping, 30min maybe a bit more
  • Could you try 30 mins while you wait in the car, then 1 hour and pop to the shops for go for a walk then gradually build it up?
Nope, see above!
  • Does your DM do anything like knit or sew or play cards or draw/paint or play the piano or xyz that she could teach to your DS?
They can spend hours playing games and painting, yes.
  • What happens during her mealtimes does she join others or have it in her flat? Does she have a sleep/nap in her chair after lunch?
She goes to the 'canteen' for lunch or gets her food delivered. She cooks her dinners herself.
OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 01:12

@SUBisYodrethwhenLarping

Forgot about the nap - yes, she does have a nap after lunch. The plan would be that by then, my other relative would pick him up

She does have other grandchildren and even great grandchildren but I do not think she's looked after then ever?

As I said DS stays with her when I go food shopping, maybe up to 1hr. It's always been fine. He is very careful with her and totally aware she is elderly. They play cards/board games/crosswords.

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 04/02/2020 01:30

I don't see the big problem, if your dc doesnt have additional needs at 8 he should be fine for a few hours, depending on his gran's health. Is she just 'a bit' forgetful or is it more serious? Can she mostly look after herself/still has her faculties?
In theory I'd say it's fine - he's 8 not 3 - but it depends entirely on both child and adult - trust your instinct as you know them best.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 01:55

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity - no, it is not more serious - she simply tells me 3 times the same things, that's all.
She does look after herself. She had a bad patch last year and had to have carers 24hs for a couple of days, but she is back to her independent self now.

I must admit I am also worried about what my brother might say.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 04/02/2020 02:07

Does DS listen and do what he is told without whining or back chat. Is he a lively jump around type of 8 yr old, or one who will happily curl up with an ipad and not move for a couple of hours. Is he a curious type who might want to investigate how the window catches work or see what that funny noise outside is?

You get my point.....

managedmis · 04/02/2020 02:11

Sounds like he'll be fine!

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 02:17

@SeaToSki - good points. He can be a bit of both, but he will not go crazy if he is alone with her. He'd probably lay next to her in bed reading/doing crosswords.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 02:19

At the moment the poll is 75 vs 25%

I want to hear from the IABU side so I know what I might be misjudging!

OP posts:
Fucket · 04/02/2020 02:29

I think it depends if he is a sensible 8yo or an immature 8yo. My 7yo I’d trust with my gran (if she were alive), but she’s that kind of kid you’d pick to do the sensible errands out of a class of 30. also my dss when he was that age. Both two very calm souls, with very sensible heads on their shoulders. My son on the other hand gets carried away with himself and always a liability to cause himself injury or break something. I.e likes to play ninjas and bounce off the furniture flailing arms and legs everywhere. I wouldn’t inflict him on anyone elderly.

Only you know your son’s personality. Go with your gut!

lyralalala · 04/02/2020 02:30

How will they both cope if something goes wrong?

Would you leave him alone? If you wouldn’t then I wouldn’t leave him with someone who needs carers

What kind of child is he? I have 16yo twins - at 8 I could have (but didn’t before anyone launches at me) left DD1 home alone or even caring for a younger child.... At 16 I still can’t leave DD2 home alone without worrying. She’s so easily distracted it’s frightening

Will the sheltered housing complex even allow it? The one my Nana was in didn’t allow unaccompanied under 16s to visit/stay

DonKeyshot · 04/02/2020 02:42

It seems to be a case of needs must when the devil drives, OP.

As long as he's got access to a phone, your phone number, and a packed lunch plus snack I'd let him 'take care' of his grandma for a few hours and I'm sure they'll have an enjoyable time together.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 02:50

For those asking, he is a very sensible 8yo, he can be difficult with me sometimes, but would not give his grandma a hard time at all.

I guess my worry is what lyralalala mentions - how would they cope if something goes wrong. But I guess DM would call for help in the building?

OP posts:
pauapaua · 04/02/2020 03:09

Does the flat have emergency cords ? Make sure he knows how to use them. Can you be sure your mobile will have a signal ?

Blackbear19 · 04/02/2020 06:04

@Blackbear19- when you say that your DS might not be ok, what type of issues do you imagine?

Mine is a immature 8yo. Who might decide to completely play up and attention seek but on the other hand could be quite happy glued to a film or something.

I think it very much depends on the child / gran. You know them best.
Is she the sort who'd be delighted to babysit?
Could he happily get them both a drink / biscuit?