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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my 8yo DS with DM(87)?

60 replies

IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 00:13

She lives by herself (in sheltered accommodation abroad), is slightly forgetful/gets confused sometimes, but she is mostly OK. Has a bad ankle at the moment after a fall, but she is still mobile.

Would you leave a (just turned) 8yo for a few hours with an elderly woman until another family member comes to get him?

OP posts:
Supertrooper98 · 04/02/2020 06:38

I think it sounds good for the two of them. I bet they'll both enjoy it.
You need to ask her opinion on it though.
Also say it to your brother..

Rezie · 04/02/2020 06:58

I think it's totally fine and will be good for grandma.

Newmetoday · 04/02/2020 07:04

87 is middle aged on Mumsnet so it’ll be fine OP

slipperywhensparticus · 04/02/2020 07:07

I would with my daughter but not my sons iyswim

You know your child best

HopeYouStepOnALego · 04/02/2020 07:08

I would do it as a one off but not for regular childcare. Your DM is 87. What if she fell and was unconscious? What if she had a heart attack? Would your DS know how to cope in such a situation? It's a big ask for such a young child to deal with that. Just remember that if there's an emergency your DM might not be the one who is able to call for help.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/02/2020 07:08

I think it's fine but you seem very unsure. You are saying your ds will behave himself, be no trouble etc etc but your gut instinct seems to be telling you otherwise.

anothernotherone · 04/02/2020 07:11

If you're really worried don't do it - you know your specific child, mother and the set up.

However on the face of it my main worry would be him being frightened and traumatised by being alone if something happens to her and blaming himself, not him needing to be looked after. Not because she's 87 (some 87 year olds run marathons, I know... Not many, but being 87 in itself isn't an issue necessary) but because living in sheltered accommodation implies frailty.

The set up of the sheltered accommodation is relevant there - as well as being responsible for himself he needs to know how to fetch help for her.

My own 8, nearly 9, year old is home alone for up to 90 minutes once per week, but we live abroad where this is normal, have a good network of neighbors and expect to look out for one another's children as is the norm here, and he's very capable and comfortable with being in the house alone, knows the rules and emergency drills and essentially have been building up his skills over the years etc etc.

dentydown · 04/02/2020 07:13

It all depends on the child, if they have their own entertainment and can amuse/take care of their self and not play up, then yes I probably would. I would bring a supply of ready made drinks/water bottle and food /snacks though.

Northernsoullover · 04/02/2020 07:13

You know your child. I could have left my eldest with an elderly granny no problem. My youngest was distracted at that age and would have annoyed the hell out of her. Non stop talking and stimming (has ASD).

hopefulhalf · 04/02/2020 07:23

I think it would probrably be ok. Be very clear about the rules eg: not leaving the flat/complex/ whatever. Sounds like about 4 hours my 8yo DS would have been climbing the walls especially if he hadn't been out already that day. Dd would have been fine.

It sounds like there are people they could call on in an emergency.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2020 07:28

Honestly? I think it will be fine. If he knows not to run about and mess around, they sit and play a couple of games than he entertains himself, no problem.

He'll feel quite grown up and she may love spending a bit of time with him.

ShayAndBlueSeeker · 04/02/2020 07:30

I would absolutely do it. I have done very similar with a very sensible 8 year old. So long as he knows what to do if anything is wrong, he’ll be fine. 8 year olds are old enough to “look after” their Granny a bit and it’s only a few hours in the daytime. I wouldn’t leave him overnight but what you’ve outlined seems absolutely fine. And I’m a massive worrier and super risk averse normally!

PerfectParrot · 04/02/2020 07:35

I wouldn't. If he's a sensible kid he'd probably be fine. But if anything happened to her (nasty fall for example) he'd need to be able to get help and I think that is too much responsibility for an 8yo in a place he doesn't know.

crimsonlake · 04/02/2020 07:38

As your mum gets confused and lives in sheltered accomodation I would not.
I work within this service, all of the resident's have mild to moderate dementia, but not as a carer. I would also point out the staff are not there for you as a back up if something should occur to your child within her flat whilst he is in her care .In ours the residents pay for a certain amount of hours of care from the carer's per day, this would not include your child.

YummyChipCurryDip · 04/02/2020 07:59

I would not. As a pp has observed, sheltered housing suggests some oversight is needed. My DC at 8 was amenable and pleasant and very sensible and would have been fine on the behaviour front. The risk for me would be that granny might have some health difficulty during the period they were alone, and whether or not there were people at hand to call I wouldn't put an 8 year old in that position. It's way too much responsibility and could be very upsetting for a child.

hopefulhalf · 04/02/2020 08:13

I think it's far more likely that something will happen to the 87 year tbh

smashstore · 04/02/2020 08:18

I think it's far more likely that something will happen to the 87 year tbh

Surely that's the whole point!

Damntheman · 04/02/2020 08:37

I think it'll be fine, he's 8 not 4. Send him with his own lunch and stuff to do. Books to read, colouring books, comics, maybe even a tablet just so he can keep himself occupied without bothering your mum. Chances are he actually WILL look after her. My 6 year old does an amazing job looking after people so I don't see why an 8 year old wouldn't :) I'd probably also make sure he has access to a phone and knows how to use it just in case of emergencies.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 21:36

@EmmaGrundyForPM - I sound insecure because I am constantly second guessing myself..... Sad

@anothernotherone - it is true he would feel responsible and traumatised if anything were to happen to her, but I guess that could happen even when I go food shopping.

@crimsonlake - I think my 'she gets confused' sounds worse than it actually is. She has got worse recently and I find it difficult to accept, but this is because a year ago she was still working/practicing!

OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 04/02/2020 22:00

I think you need to put this in perspective. It’s only a few hours, not a week or even a whole day. She doesn’t need to change his nappy or feed him or lift him because he is a neuro typical 8 year old. Armed with a pack up meal and some of his stuff, he will be fine and the likelihoof is that they’ll enjoy the time together. She’s sounds like she’s not as sharp as she was, but you’re not asking her to do the school run or take him out and about. You’re just asking her to mind him for a few hours, and in reality he will prob mind her!

Serendipity79 · 04/02/2020 22:22

I used to manage a couple of sheltered housing schemes when I worked in social housing and they are ran usually on a very tight budget with stressed out and over worked staff. I’d think really hard about this because if your sons there and something happens to him or his gran then they’ve got a duty of care which they shouldn’t have because the housing is designated for specific people that need it.

It’s also a lot of pressure for a child to be with an elderly person who’s getting forgetful.

Personally it’s not something I would do - I sympathise over the lack of childcare because I’m a single parent to four and have almost no family support at all but I still wouldn’t chance this

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 22:26

I have now talked to my brother and my mum now.

DB thinks it should be ok for a few hours, and DM was over the moon, and didn't see any problem.

So I guess that is my answer?!

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/02/2020 22:35

Great!

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 04/02/2020 22:38

@Serendipity79 and other PP - I appreciate what you say re sheltered housing - again I thought that was the closest description, but the set up and is probably completely different. This is more like an apart hotel for elderly people. And she pays quite a lot of money.

Of course, that does not mean that I expect the staff to look after my son, etc but I thought I should probably clarify that

OP posts:
Universalcreditwoes · 04/02/2020 22:46

It would be fine if he is sensible. I wouldn't be worried about his granny. She lives independently. So if something where to happen to her then it would happen whether he was there or not... I know it's sheltered but no one is with her in her apartment. As long as you trust him to behave then it's a non issue. Tell him how to pull the chords for and emergency and no cooking or making tea/coffee and that's it really.

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