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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stupid argument about dinner - was I wrong?!

51 replies

ShroomsOnToast · 03/02/2020 21:05

My first (and very daft) AIBU!

DH wanted to start dinner at 17:30 but I wasn't hungry and also wanted to do some exercise so said as much. It took me a while to finish work emails so I didn't get going until 18:15 (DH said nothing about wanting to eat when I went upstairs).
I didn't hear anything from DH during exercise, and went on to shower and get going on some tidying.

I called down just after 20:00 (having not heard a peep!) to see if he wanted to do anything about dinner; cue much stomping and anger about the fact I'd left him there for 3 hours (exaggeration!) and I knew he was hungry and how could I have done that etc etc.

My response was, whaaaaat? You're an able-bodied adult. I was upstairs. You literally just had to either make dinner for yourself and I would re-heat, or say you were starting it and I would come down. Literally, the easiest thing in the world. I was 20 feet away!! Why on earth sit there getting so hangry and then take it all out on me?!

I honestly do not understand my error in this. Okay, he was clearly a lot hungrier than me, but I am not a mind reader. Surely if a grown up is so hungry that they get that cross, they should just say??

Or was I in the wrong? I genuinely cannot see that I was, but will take on board opposing views. I honestly feel utterly confused by it all Confused

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/02/2020 21:09

Did you not say something like “sort yourself and I will get something when I’m done?”

Bit of communication can go a long way. Neither of you are mind readers

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 21:09

I dont think you were wrong and cant see why YABU is winning. Why didn't he just make food if he was hungry?

Stressheadme123 · 03/02/2020 21:09

He wanted to start dinner (sounds like start making it?)
You didn’t want it yet (sounds like
If eating together wait for me)
You busied yourself and didn’t come back (l.

He could have said he was going to make for him self.

Or you could have said I don’t want anything yet but make away?

No need for an argument

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 03/02/2020 21:10

I wasn't hungry and also wanted to do some exercise so said as much

She did tell him!

ElloBrian · 03/02/2020 21:11

What is the normal dinner arrangement in your household ? It varies a lot so I think we need some context before we can judge.

BelfastNonBlonde · 03/02/2020 21:11

Well 5:30 is unreasonably early, but 8 is a bit late.
To be fair both of you could have been better at communicating a middle ground.

Chalk it up and move on..

Trahira · 03/02/2020 21:13

He's in the wrong, but don't let this turn into a massive issue. Next time both of you need to communicate a bit better. No big deal.

Original poster
ShroomsOnToast · 03/02/2020 21:13

stressheadme123 I completely agree - no need for an argument at all, it's ridiculous!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 03/02/2020 21:14

YANBU. Was he expecting you to drop everything and do the cooking?

As you say, he’s a grown ass man why didn’t he go ahead and eat without you? Or have a snack whilst he waited for you both to eat.

pauapaua · 03/02/2020 21:15

After you'd exercised and had a shower you should have gone back downstairs to see if he wanted to have dinner, then you could have prepared something together. It's a bit off to disappear off upstairs and do your own thing when your DH/DP wants to have dinner together.

busybarbara · 03/02/2020 21:15

Is this a reverse? I could have once posted the same about my DH who used to mess me around with meal times and work when I wanted to eat together. It’s hugely unreasonable.

Wilmalovescake · 03/02/2020 21:18

You knew he was hungry at 5:30. You could have had a conversation sooner than 8!

Original poster
ShroomsOnToast · 03/02/2020 21:19

busybarbara no, not a reverse, but I take on board your view and that it is annoying to be messed around.

pauapaua I take that on board as well, thanks.

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 03/02/2020 21:19

Both sound ridiculous tbh

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/02/2020 21:20

Honestly OP you are in a win win situation here. This is MN if he had made it without you he would have been selfish, if he had made you some but eaten his without you he would have been rude and if he didn't make any he is at best a lazy arse or maybe even a cocklodger Grin. A lack of communication is a fault here on both sides.

AriadnesFilament · 03/02/2020 21:23

If I said about starting dinner at 5:30 and you said you weren’t hungry yet and wanted to do some exercise first I wouldn’t expect to still be waiting to start cooking at 8pm.

No you’re not a mind reader but neither’s he.

IMO you did take the piss a bit taking that long without talking to him at all about how long you’d be having left it after the 5:30 chat at essentially ‘don’t cook dinner without me’.

Original poster
ShroomsOnToast · 03/02/2020 21:23

Wilmalovescake Yes, I think so. I guess time just slipped away from me and I assumed (wrongly!) that he would have popped upstairs to say he wanted to start dinner. I shouldn't have just carried on tidying though, I accept that.

FizzIce Grin Ageed!!

sweeneytoddsrazor The perfect AIBU Wink

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 03/02/2020 21:23

You were both a bit unreasonable. I don't understand if you knew he was hungry at 5.30 why you'd do some tidying after your exercise and shower. I would have shouted down to see what was happening, after the exercise and said I was popping in the shower and did he want to start cooking. To be honest I think you're more in the wrong on this occasion.

Original poster
ShroomsOnToast · 03/02/2020 21:25

Okay, there is clearly enough of a consensus that I was as much to blame that I need to go and apologise...

Damn.

(Kidding! I love him dearly)

OP posts:
BackforGood · 03/02/2020 21:25

What @sweeneytoddsrazor said.

Casualbride · 03/02/2020 21:26

I think I’m more on his side, you knew he was hungry and there’s obviously an established pattern of eating together. So I think the onus was on you to either say let’s eat separately tonight, or, I’m going to be a few hours yet, so that he knew he would be in for a long wait. But I don’t think it was the crime of the century!

ElloBrian · 03/02/2020 21:26

What’s the usual routine though?
Some people on this thread consider eating at 8 to be very late. I eat between 9.30 and 10. So it’s impossible to advise unless you give us more detail !

SunOnAll · 03/02/2020 21:26

Well 5:30 is unreasonably early

Really? I always eat dinner between 5-5.30pm. Didn't realise I was so unreasonable!

2020newme · 03/02/2020 21:32

I would gnaw my own arm off if I had to wait until past 8pm for my dinner!!

It sounds like you just don't communicate properly with each other.

Wheresthebeach · 03/02/2020 21:33

On the fence here...if I knew DH was hungry I wouldn’t wait 2.5 hours to start dinner, but then neither would he! Partially it depends on if you’d have been irritated if you’d come down and he’d eaten without you, and without discussing it again. I think I would have been having a word after an hour, and it would irritate me to have to chase if I’d already said I was hungry.