To ask how your (ex) husband and children recovered from a divorce?

[Rockbox84]

I’ve been married since I was 20 and I’m now 37. For many reasons it’s getting back increasingly difficult for me to stay married. I’m just not who I was back then. I was married so quickly and dh is 10 years older than me. I care about dh but we have nothing in common, we do nothing together and dh does nothing with the children either.

I’ve checked out. I’m not sure there’s a way back.

However dh will be distraught and so will the dc. I would rather just stay and be unhappy than ruin all their lives. If it’s my life or theirs - then I’d rather it was mine was unhappy as I’m already 37 so probably halfway through anyway.

How did your children (and husband) take the news of a split? Was there anything that helped? How long until it was the new normal? I do find the thought of being away from my children very difficult. Ds is nearly 10 and dd nearly 3. Both are extremely bonded to me because dh has never done much with them.

I would rather just stay and be unhappy than ruin all their lives. If it’s my life or theirs

As a child whose parents stayed together rather than 'ruin our lives', can I say doing so led to exactly what they were trying to avoid.

You only get one life, please don't drag things out, it only leads to misery.

But we aren’t arguing. We are plodding. My children aren’t aware. They get lots of holidays and don’t want for anything.

My children aren’t aware.

I'm sorry but you can't possibly know that. My parents would have said the same, but we knew. You don't have to be arguing for children to know that their parents are unhappy in their relationship.

Would the dc be distraught? It sounds like you're in my mum's shoes, she was our rock as children, my dad wasn't a bad person but was not cut out for parenthood, and didn't really do anything (he did have a job and provided for the family, but probably did 5% of the parenting, my mum the 95%).

They didn't really seem that happy when I was growing up and I don't think I would have cared if they'd divorced, I honestly thought they would. As a child I wouldn't have realised that my dad would have been distraught and struggled to cope.

So I can understand your dilemma, but I think your dc would cope better than you think, so probably more your dh.

I think in your shoes if your dh is not a nasty type who will screw you over with money if you divorced, I'd probably have a conversation with him about how you feel, that you are considering splitting up with him.

It might give him the kick he needs to be a better father, husband and maybe you will be happier.

And if not it means he then has some time to adjust to the idea that he needs to think about building a life of his own.

Looking back my mum was a bit of a martyr and put up with my dad being shit, I think if she'd done the above my dad would have participated more and actually been a happier person as a result.

Good luck, I do empathise with being with someone who's not a bastard but the love has gone.

I am 6 weeks in
And started anti depressants today

My relationship was pretty abusive and I really didn’t think beyond the day he left

I am now struggling majorly with two very very VERY angry and messed up DC

Yeah he was an angry abusive and lazy wanker , but he was their dad and they loved him and he loved them . I wasn’t prepared for their grief or my emotional collapse

It’s not a walk in the park . I am not advocating you stay . But all the threads seemed To Promise a calm
And happy home after the abuse and it’s been anything but

When my ad kick in I will also get some counselling

Wishing you well whatever you decide

this it's still very early days. Mine were like that but 18 months on, they are much better.
They are still sad we split but have said to me we both seem happier apart - and my ex was very anti us splitting.

If you go on holiday a lot then does your dh do stuff with you and children or does he go off on his own?

We go away probably three weeks over the year - three separate weeks.
Those weeks he’s not so bad. I mean a lot still gets left to me but he’s more involved than at other times.
The rest of the time there’s very little involvement. Day to day. He didn’t know what year ds was in for example and hasn’t read his school report from last year. He loves them, I don’t doubt it. But as I’m a sahm it’s basically been 99% me. He never did a night feed (or a day one actually), changed a nappy, did bath time or story time etc when they were babies. He’s never had the two of them on his own. He’s never taken the two of them anywhere together on his own and only ds on his own maybe twice?

Ex-H and I weren’t toxic, we were bored with one another and unhappy. We didn’t fight and I’d have said DD (7 at the time) wouldn’t have known we were unhappy. I though he would struggle alone (long time unemployed with depression and anxiety). In the end I just couldn’t face another year of Blehhhhh. He was getting snappy with me and the dog and one day the dog spilled his coffee, he slapped him (not hard) and I told him to leave. He packed a bag and left for our caravan that evening. I told DD the next day that Daddy and I loved her but were annoying each other and had decided to live apart. She was very tearful. Ex-H carried on doing the school run daily and stayed in the spare room when the weather was really bad. We were civil, agreed terms whilst walking the dog and 3 months after he left we put the house on the market. DD was still very upset and our new house needed work so we had to move in with my mum for a bit. DH got a job and rented a flat and I helped him move in. DD stayed with him more for a bit until our house was done. We moved in 6 months after the split and at about the same time the divorce came through and she settled immediately. We’ve tweaked visiting when DD has asked us to (she wanted EOW not 1 day each on every weekend). Ex-H and I are still “friendly” and we are 15 months post split. I rescued him last week when he locked himself out of his flat.

We’ve been consistent in our messaging to DD, always cordial to one another and every choice post split has been made with DD firmly in mind. She is FAR happier now and we can both see it. She must have felt the atmosphere at home. She says she likes it better like this. Ex-H and I are both happier too!

Absolutely fine. DS was only 10 months though so it's all he's ever known.

Can I ask why you think the children will be distraught if their father doesn't do anything with them anyway? As a child of divorce myself, with an uninterested father, I certainly wasn't distraught about the divorce. My dad did nothing with me so him moving out made little difference in my day to day life.

It’ll be leaving the house. I think were we to stay here it would be ok but we won’t be able to because dh wouldn’t leave - and why should he? - and it wouldn’t be viable for us to stay after I’ve told him I want to split up.

I think that's your answer, its very telling that the kids will be more upset separating from their home, than they will about seperating from their father.
Maybe, Home is where their loving mother is with them, not bricks

You're not seriously thinking of leaving your DCs with their father who doesn't seem to bother with them much?

XDH was about as involved a father as your DH is, but we split later when the DCs were 15 and 12 by which time inevitably he was more involved in their lives and he insisted on 50:50 with them after the split, which I hadn't expected. I still don't know whether I should have fought against that but at the time I was still pretty poor at fighting him and splitting at all was a massive step.

Its hard to know if the split damaged them. The split was acrimonious (he was a controller, losing control enraged him), and a little while on he had a massive falling out with DD which she has never forgiven him for. They also witnessed some of his bad behaviour towards me.

But I suspect their relationship with him would always have been weak as they grew up - children do see very clearly what their parents are like and a father who cant be arsed to involve himself in your life is always going to be damaging.

I was also the child of a miserable marriage and often wished my Dad just wasn't there.

You're not seriously thinking of leaving your DCs with their father who doesn't seem to bother with them much?

No, she’s thinking of leaving with them.

Please get some advice as how best to handle this and stop feeling guilty and bad for him. He has caused this with his apathy towards you and your children

Your kids will be aware. When my marriage finally imploded my dd said I I should have left 10 years prior and had told her friend months earlier that we were be splitting up despite us not knowing!

Temporary grief and adjustment are in no way the same as permanent destruction and ruin.

Grief is a natural and common part of life - I imagine your eldest child might grieve the end of summer holidays or Christmas being over...

@Rockbox84 I can totally identify with this. I've been married almost 19 years but with a 20yr old and an 18 year old. I feel we have both changed over time for various reasons but I know he would be devastated if we split up. I have broached the subject but he wants to try and fix it. I don't think it can be fixed though. It feels like we are good friends not a couple from my perspective.
I don't know what to do next though and am feeling a bit lost. I know my DC are not exactly children any more but one has significant MH issues and the impact of separation worries me

I ended my marriage about 2 years ago now. DD didn't have a clue that it was going to happen, as ex and I were still friendly. But that's all it was - friends.

She was upset for a couple of months, but her dad and I spoke to her together, and all our decisions were made in her best interests.

I was the one who instigated the split and I am still in the house with DD, despite ex owning it before we married. The reason is, neither of us wanted to uproot DD from her home. I offered to move out with DD but both ex and I knew it was better for DD to be here with me.

Ex and DD see each other whenever they want. Ex And I are still friendly and do stuff with DD as a family. She knows now thst we are like sister and brother, and she has adjusted really quickly to it all.

Even at age 8, DD understood that people can't stay married if they don't want to kiss each other any more, which was how we explained it to her.

I truly think that having a good routine and seeing me and her dad being mates has helped. It would have harmed her to think that marriage was something where the parents didn't show any physical affection to each other. I didn't want my marriage to be a template for her.

Lots of her friends have struggled with their parents divorcing. But the common factor is that if the parents get on, the kids can be fine. If not, then it can mess them up. I would strongly suggest keeping the house too. It's not about fairness to your ex. It's about what's best for the kids. And that's stability and consistency.

Do it OP. I was you. Married young, got to late 30s and was increasingly unhappy. H was moody and the atmosphere at home wasn't good. Our relationship was just as parents. No affection or proper relationship to model to the DCs.

In the end I just couldn't stand it. I thought it was better to stay and have DCs in a 2 parent home etc but I read enough on here to know that staying for the children whilst being unhappy is not right.

My divorce is about to be finalised. I'm so much happier. DCs adapted very quickly. Ex is depressed but tbh, that's for him to deal with. I dealt with enough depression in our marriage. He will survive and his state of mind is not my issue to sort out.

You have a lot of life left OP. I feel like mine is beginning, not halfway through.

My mum spent the whole of my teenage years saying as soon as me and DB were gone she would be too. We moved out (I didn't until I was in my late twenties as felt I could keep them together that way, DB went in his early twenties). DM went on holiday with a friend and DF called her bluff and put the house on the market. That was 14 years ago and DM is very bitter despite remarriage. DF is very happy on his own. In terms of recovery, financially DM struggled and obviously DF didn't.
I promised myself that if I found myself in a position where there was more unhappiness for me than happiness I would get out when the DC were young. Ex-DH moved out when DC were 8, 6 and 5. That was 6 years ago.
I have since met someone and had a further DC.
At the point of splitting I was like you, a wall had gone up and I'd checked out. It blindsided him though and he hasn't really recovered. We're civil to each other and can talk amicably and be in the same room as each other.
Eldest DC has struggled, she has this ideal in her head of how our life was and remembers it in a completely different way, almost romanticises the old relationship between me and her DF. I'm not sure how her romantic relationships will pan out in the future - she is a people pleaser and I can see her being taken advantage of. We do talk about what is acceptable in a relationship etc and how overall it is your own happiness that is important.
However, that said, I am having issues with new DC's DF so am having to put into practice what I've told her but this time I'm more reluctant to break up another family unit.
It's hard, but ultimately you need to think when the children are not living with you can you either lead your own life within the same house or would you rather have your own space and life.
One thing that really affected me was if you wait until the DC are older they get drawn into it. My DM almost made me pick sides.

Thank you for your responses.
I keep thinking the children should be enough for me. They are gorgeous children. I love them so much. It should be enough and it’s not, I want it to be but it isn’t. I’m just treading water all the time. However the thought of losing them 50% of the time when I’m used to having them basically 100% of the time is really hard. They are so very much mine. Ds said that dh isn’t a parent, he just earns the money. I mean that is no doubt an important thing and I appreciate it, but ds is obviously aware that dh doesn’t do as much with the children as he might.

50/50 isn't the norm OP. I'd never agree to it and it's not our arrangement.

the thought of losing them 50% of the time

If your DH doesn't do any parenting, this won't happen.

Show your children how to live a happy life; stop settling because it's easier. You'll just get more and more miserable and resentful as time goes on.

Or would you rather wait for another 15 years for the DC to leave home, then start again when you're in your early fifties?

Be brave. Your children will thank you for it. It doesn't sound as if your DS has much respect for his father anyway.