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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want help to cook?

39 replies

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/02/2020 14:29

DS, late teens, has a new GF of about 6 weeks duration. She lives in another town, so I've only met her 3 times as he mainly goes over to hers. She seems very nice, but rather anxious to please, which I'm finding somewhat disconcerting, to be frank; I'm used to just a smile and the basic pleasantries from other GFs, as I'm not the one they're here to see.

So DS has invited GF for dinner later this week, which I am fine with. However she wants to help me cook the meal. I don't even know what we'll have yet, but I know I don't want to be "helped". My kitchen is my domain, and other people being around, unless I ask for help, really gets on my nerves. I've tried politely declining, via DS, but she seems to be insisting that she wants to be involved in the meal. I absolutely don't want this, and my DS thinks I'm being unreasonable. If she wants to help there will be a pile of dishes afterwards, but no, she wants to cook. With me. I hate saying no to people, but I feel I'm being pushed into doing something I don't want to.

AIBU? I'm really unsure if I am or not.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 03/02/2020 14:30

Just keep saying no but her and ds can do the dishes

74NewStreet · 03/02/2020 14:31

How very odd. Both that she wants to so badly, and that she can’t take no for an answer.

SunshineAvenue · 03/02/2020 14:35

Can't you just let her peel the carrots or something? I think it's nice that she wants to help, not many kids are so thoughtful

Sparklesocks · 03/02/2020 14:36

How old is she? It sounds like she’s just keen to make a good impression and show you she’s happy to muck in rather than expect you to wait on her. Can’t you just wait until the evening of the dinner when she gets there and say something like ‘DSGirlfriend, DS tells me you’d like to help with the cooking tonight. That’s a very kind offer but I’ve got everything in hand so no need to worry, but I’d be grateful for some help with the washing up after’ or words to that effect?

Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/02/2020 14:36

How very odd. Both that she wants to so badly, and that she can’t take no for an answer.

That's what I feel. I don't know if she thinks I'm just being polite. Perhaps I should get DS to warn her about my inner Gordon Ramsay!

OP posts:
Hoohaahoo · 03/02/2020 14:38

I’d be tempted to change my mind and order in. But then I’m a wimp.

positivity123 · 03/02/2020 14:39

Let the nice girl help. Why are you being so possessive about the kitchen? She's making an effort. You hear so much bad press about teenagers not engaging and being glued to their phones but they are damned if they do and damned if they don't

LittleMissNaice · 03/02/2020 14:39

Get your son to cook, she can help him.

SeaToSki · 03/02/2020 14:40

Ask her to bring something for pudding - that she has made before she shows up (in her parents kitchen!!)

averylongtimeasLangCleg · 03/02/2020 14:44

Give her some veg to peel- or suggest she brings a cake with her?

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/02/2020 14:50

Aw, I think it's sweet! Then I'm disabled and used to DD and DS helping in the kitchen anyway.

CakeandCustard28 · 03/02/2020 14:50

Just say “great thanks she can do the washing up afterwards.” YANBU I’m the same, other people just get in the way when cooking.

NoSauce · 03/02/2020 14:53

Surely she can peel some potatoes or chop some onions or whatever? Why are you so possessive of your kitchen?

BobbyBlueCat · 03/02/2020 14:53

Poor girl.

Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/02/2020 14:57

Why are you being so possessive about the kitchen?

Because it's mine! And when I cook I know my dishes inside out and everything runs like clockwork. I get really focused and hate talking to people as it breaks my concentration. I prefer to cook alone. And I don't want to offend her if I snap at her, which I often do when interrupted while cooking.

OP posts:
OverthinkingThis · 03/02/2020 14:57

Let her do dessert

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 14:59

How very odd. Both that she wants to so badly, and that she can’t take no for an answer.

Yeah but since it's via DS you can't be completely sure what's actually being said.

I'd just wait until she arrives and then just say 'No need for you to help, please go and sit with DS in the living room - what can I get you to drink?'. End of!

Even if she tries to join in she won't know what to help with unless you tell her so just tell her there's nothing she can help with.

SunshineAngel · 03/02/2020 15:00

If you can bear it, I would 100% let your son and his GF do the cooking for you. Even if you just get the ingredients for a nice pasta bake or something.

I know what it's like to want people to like you (I'm like that!) and honestly, I think it would mean a lot to her.

BackforGood · 03/02/2020 15:01

How old are they ?
This does sound all a bit odd.
Would it work to say - well you two can cook here together if you want to ? Then leave her and ds to it ?

Ds and his girlfriend have cooked for us (lot longer standing though and they are both adults and sleep here 1/2 the time).

I wouldn't want someone I didn't know 'helping' me cook the meal - it would just be odd.

Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/02/2020 15:02

The dessert suggestions are really helpful, actually. I'm no good at desserts and don't usually bother with one as we're not generally into sweet stuff as a rule, but this might be a solution. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/02/2020 15:13

@SunshineAngel

If you can bear it, I would 100% let your son and his GF do the cooking for you.

I'm happy for others to cook, and happy to teach my DC to cook. Just don't want a helper when I'm the cook!

Agewise, he's 19, she's 17. I know it's lovely of her to want to, and I suspect she sees this as a bonding exercise, but it really isn't the best way to get to know me, unless she only wants to meet the kitchen monster that's never far from the surface. And I don't want to scare her off.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 03/02/2020 15:15

I wonder if her parents have told her she should offer to help with the cooking to be polite, and she’s pushing (via DS) because she doesn’t want to appear rude/ungrateful. It can be awkward when you’re a teenager and new to this stuff. Either way it sounds like her heart is in the right place.

Halestorm · 03/02/2020 15:29

Whenever I host my DN's my DB always warns them to help out around the house. I guess he just doesn't want his sons to be layabouts in someone else's house when they are guests.

So it could be something to do with manners her parents have drilled into her. A direct "that's very kind DS but I get terribly flustered in the kitchen if I have someone helping with cooking but what would be appreciated is if she wanted to make dessert to bring with her, or you both could do the dishes after the meal?"

Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/02/2020 15:31

@Sparklesocks

That's possible. I know this is coming from a good place, and she is a lovely girl, so I think between the suggestions of letting them cook together, getting a takeaway, or asking her to bring dessert, I should have enough ideas to deflect this. Thank you all.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 03/02/2020 15:32

Great idea ask her to bring starter or dessert

Then when she asks to help, rather than saying 'no need for you to help' tell her that the best way to help you is to clear off with DS and make drinks/set the table or whatever.

Let her and DS cook a meal for the family at some point.

If you really want her to relax, could you think of something else to bond over? So she gets to know you and understands that you really mean what you say. Maybe let DS do the washing up (he does anyway when you cook, doesn't he ) while you and she chat over a cup of coffee.

Bonus points if you can think of something to ask her advice about. She could end up the mother of your grandchildren, start as you mean to go on.