MIL hasn't contacted me about our engagement

[claragolightly]

Sorry...this got long!

My boyfriend and I got engaged at Christmas, and I've not heard from my MIL-to be. I’ve been stewing over it – is this normal?

My partner told her that he was planning to propose on Christmas day. We were away, so there was a big time difference, and when she video called him on the day she was in the middle of cooking so we ended up mostly speaking to her husband (not my partner’s dad) and his son and partner. She said hi, then walked off to the kitchen, bobbing in a few times to chat about the turkey and to say she was stressed about the cooking. We didn't say we'd got engaged for this reason, plus it had only happened about 15 minutes earlier!

When he spoke to her when we got back about five days later she just said that she was really upset that he hadn't told her, that she had been really worried etc. That she'd told her husband, his son and partner that he planned to propose and that it had put a dampener on things when we didn't say anything. We didn’t tell anyone we’d got engaged until we got back. I am very close to my family, but still didn’t want to tell them until we returned.

Since then, my family have all texted my partner a lot, sent cards / gifts / generally made a huge fuss. He has made reference to the excitement from my side, how lovely it has been, how he likes feeling part of the family etc. Then said sorry there’s nothing from my side, I know my mum is excited, though.

I don’t want gifts etc, but just think a text would have been nice?! And I think it’s weird that she hasn’t contacted me AT ALL.

For background, we don't see her that much due to distance, but for the first couple of years we were together I would text her semi-regularly, just to share news about our house / send her pics of my partner next to DIY, that kind of thing. Or to acknowledge life events / say have a nice holiday etc. She would generally reply, but never asked anything. She would never initiate a chat with me.

I cooled off on the texting after she didn’t acknowledge my nana’s passing, despite it happening three days after we visited MIL and I’d discussed my nana’s illnesses with her. There have been a few other incidents that have made me a bit wary of her – but she doesn’t know I know about them, if you see what I mean. I still say happy birthday / mothers day / Christmas and send cards, and I’m always very friendly and welcoming when she does come to stay – I don’t sit in the corner in a sulk and we’ve not had words. I don't want to make things difficult for my partner, although he is aware of my feelings.

It's not like she's not a texter - she sends very long messages to my partner regularly, probably once a week if not more. And she calls with about the same frequency. He will often say "mum said thanks for the birthday card / mum said to say hi etc. She has my number, she can call or text me herself.

She is insisting we go on holiday with them in the summer, which we have had to agree to. She has told my partner I will have to drive a hire car as there are too many people to fit in one vehicle and my partner won’t drive, she keeps asking him if I’ve booked the car yet. Why can’t she ask me? She's not even asked me if I mind driving the car. In fact. she's not spoken to me about the holiday at all.

I don’t understand why she cuts me out like this.

Since then, my family have all texted my partner a lot, sent cards / gifts / generally made a huge fuss.

TBH, it's this behaviour I'd find odd. Way ott.

There are two separate issues.
The engagement: I wouldn't expect to be contacted.
The holiday: why won't he drive? I'd rather organise my own holiday than being told what to do and it involved me driving for long hours.

She isn't your MIL she's your boyfriend's mother. I wouldn't have expected my partner's mother to get in touch when we decided to get married

Well there the problem Brokit Girlfriend and partner are two different things.

Girl friend = insignificant other.

fiancé/ engaged to be married = significant other.

OP is the significant other not just a girlfriend which implies casualness.

Tell me - you don’t have sons or dil problem do you?

I like my mil, but due to distance see her very rarely. She'll txt dh or skype with him but never me, if I'm at home I'd shout a hi and a wave and that's it. It's not my mom...

Sounds like my MIL, cant stand the women.
She's just as bad with the grandkids.
She does this weird thing where she barely speaks to our childen when we are there (weekend visits every few months) she doesnt interact or play with them at all, shes only 49 so not too old to play. Then as soon as we leave she's straight on fb putting a post up about spending the weekend with her wonderful grandkids.

My mum on the other hand looks after our children 3 evenings a week and sometimes one weekends to give us a break. Always asks about partner and asks him how his days been, if work is okay etc. She treats him like a 2nd son.

Some families are different which is often hard to deal with. Just make sure you're 100% happy to marry into this family before you do it. Just be polite and civil with MIL, stop with the mothers day cards and if she doesn't pay an interest into your life dont pay an interest in hers.

The engagement: I wouldn't expect to be contacted

What not even friends congratulated you? Not a single friend or family member said congratulations? Where were you living? On the moon?

Totally normal to funnel all logistical discussions and really everything through their own child.

The other approach is it becomes all your responsibility as the woman. You do not want that.

I think your families are very different, yours sound over the top, and his sound underwhelmed, just accept it for what it is, no need to dwell on it

It does sound passive aggressive. Some women unfortunately seem to get this way - usually with their sons. She thinks you should be contacting her, not the other way round.
I have it to a certain degree with my own MIL, it’s best if you can try to harden yourself to it - you’ll never be good enough for her precious boy!

And as for him refusing to drive on holiday - wtf? Tell him the driving will be shared or you’re not going!

• It does sound passive aggressive. Some women unfortunately seem to get this way - usually with their sons. She thinks you should be contacting her, not the other way round. I have it to a certain degree with my own MIL, it’s best if you can try to harden yourself to it - you’ll never be good enough for her precious boy! *

How on Earth have you come to that conclusion I think you are projecting an awful lot there.

I think people are being very optimistic in their responses. I think that’s very strange to not message your DIL congratulations on the engagement. It sounds as though she also found a reason to be negative about the news by focusing on the delivery of the news.

I’d say you have a budding MIL problem on your hands. And I disagree, I bet once you start having children she’ll suddenly expect to be very involved but continue to ignore you, the incubator.

Worth having a chat with your fiancé and maybe have a look at how all his interactions with his mum go. Is he often doing things just to keep her happy and stop a big fuss?

From experience freddie - maybe I’m bitter! I just think the way the MIL is acting is a pretty good indication that she will never make much of an effort to get to know/have a relationship with OP. Some people are fine with that, personally I would’ve liked a little more effort on her part - particularly when she’s told me herself that her other DIL is “like the daughter she never had”!

I think you are expecting far too much and probably suffocating her. There is no need for her to keep contacting you or you her. Why tell her what's going on in you and your fiance's life? Can't he tell her? Why would you send a Mothers Day card - surely your boyfriend would send one from him? It sounds like your family are very over the top and you see that as normal, but it really isn't.

If you've agreed to go on this holiday then one of you needs to drive, that's only fair - you can't expect others to be chauffeuring you round everywhere. I don't think MiL has any need to ask you directly when she's told DH you guys will need to hire a car, you're both grown adults.

I think it was a bit weird of you not to tell them on the Christmas call, why would you just not mention it?!

What SummerBreeze said.

I think you're expecting way too much of her! I don't expect what you do from my own mother let alone my mil and dh and I have been together 10 years and have a kid.

My own mother actually moans to me that her daughters in law expect way too much contact and involvement from her lol.

All families are different, you'll have to accept that . You're marrying him not his family!

Yes and it was weird not to mention it Christmas. I would have been a bit at that too.

I can sort of understand her reaction to what happened on Christmas Day. She had been told it was happening, during the call she was probably waiting for the "we have something to tell you" while trying to act casual by faffing with the turkey, then she heard nothing, she must have been worried you had said no or your partner had changed his mind or something, and thinking her son was potentially very unhappy would have put a dampner on the festivities.

I don't think its that weird - as other posters have said, lots of families go through their 'own' relative rather than messaging the relative's partner separately.

I do think sending her mother's day cards before you were even engaged to her son is VERY weird behaviour on your part.

I also am confused about why your DP "won't" drive on this holiday. Why should you have to drive everywhere and not drink, particularly if it's with his family and on a holiday you don't want to go on? TBH I would use the lack of interest as an excuse 'To be honest, your family have been so uninterested in us being engaged I don't really feel welcome on the holiday" and get out of it!

Also - why is only your DPs mum you expect this much contact from - why not her partner/DPs dad/other members of his family?

I think your families just sound quite different.

Plus I do think it's normal to go through your own children. When DH and I got married my parents offered to buy us some furniture for the house as our wedding present - but all the arrangements went through me.

Likewise when his parents look after the dog for us, all the arrangements go through DH. I think that's fairly typical.

I wouldn't get upset about it all. I mean, my in-laws live five minutes away and I can't even remember the last time I saw my MIL. I dropped the dog off there last week and she was still in bed, so had a cuppa with FIL and went on my way!

A lot of people speak to their own parents and (grown up) children mainly.
I text and ring my son but not his girlfriend. Would be same if engaged and possibly when married. Wouldn't want to assume or intrude. It's different with your own kids.

Sounds fairly normal to me. My engagement was a big thing with my friends as we were the first in my group to get engaged so it was a novelty. We didn't have presents, party etc but there was a lot of squealing, hugging and admiring of the ring. My family were mostly sighing, saying we were too young and that it wouldn't last. I love my MIL but we don't often phone each other and we never text, I don't think mil knows how to actually.

I am looking back and thinking to my own engagement.. I don't recall my MIL to be messaging me specifically about it, but we did all celebrate together in person, which is surely the most important thing?

The thing that would worry me more from your post is the holiday.. now that has the potential to be a real issue!

tbh i think you've offended her by not telling her about the engagement - imagine knowing your son was going to propose on a certain day and then that day coming and just wondering what went wrong. I phoned my MIL when we got engaged and told her! That was a big life event though - with everyday stuff i ask my husband to phone her to arrange and likewise she is asking your fiance to arrange the car hire with you...

It doesn't sound like she is cutting you out. It just sounds as though you both have different expectations. I barely text my sister in law, only really see her when I'm seeing my brother and she's there however I do like and care about her and see her as part of the family. It's just not that big a deal. I only really speak to people when I need to though, I really am not that much of a social person!

I think this is totally normal to be honest. I think you are reading too much into it and maybe being a bit ott, why are you texting her on mother's day? Text on her birthday by all means as that's just polite but leave everything else to your dp, including cards/gifts.

Your family are clearly different and that's nice too, it's similar in my own relationship. Just carry on being polite and getting on nicely with your mil when you see each other, it can be perfectly pleasant on a superficial level like that and just keep it like that if you decide to have kids, leave all the updates/communication to your dp.

If you don't want to drive on holiday then don't, if you don't want to go on holiday then don't.