To ask how you cope- DP long hours & new baby

[CloudSurfers]

How do people manage with a new baby on maternity leave and beyond when their DP works very long hours? My DH works till at least 10pm often later. He doesn't leave till about 8.30/9 in the mornings. I know it's not ideal but it won't last forever- he's in a career where in a few years time he will have much more flexibility, so for now it is what it is. There's no point in me going to work and him looking after baby as he earns 4 x my salary. He does his fair share of chores at the weekends but I do pretty much everything during the week. The plus side is his income is fairly high-ish so although we are not rolling in it we are lucky enough to be able to fork out for a few extras if we think it will help.

Does anyone else have experience of DP long hours whilst being a new parent? What tips do you have? I'm generally quite introverted so not a great "classes" type person but guessing it will be a good idea to get past this and do activities with the baby. I also want to get back into my fitness.

Any tips to help me keep my sanity and stay happy on maternity and for me and my DH to think about?

Get out every day - even just a walk round the block provides structure.

Do you have family and friends to support you? If so take any help you can!

Lower your standards at home and just do the housework that needs doing.

Try to carve out some time for yourself each day (easier said than done I know).

Well done on making it this far

Just a word of warning. I see you're not married. Go back to work asap.

If he's earning 4 times what you are, then you should be able to afford a nursery for your baby.

If he decided to up and leave, then you'd be left high and dry and having taken a break from work, you'll find it hard to get back into it.

My DH worked long hours with both our children. I struggled a bit but it wasn't horrendous. I liked it to be honest but I'm fully aware that some women on maternity find it very difficult and that's fine too.

My DH lived on the other side of the country for first year of DDs life. I also had a 2 year old DS. DH was only home for the weekends. You just cope. Sleep when they sleep. Get out and about. Be organised but don't give too much of a shit about the housework.

second above - get married/civil partnership assuming same legal rights- SAHM is very precarious financial position

classes _ i am not a 'joiner' however I did one active (baby massage with my pregnancy yoga teacher....was great and also still in contact with friend met there...

i also tried teh local baby n mum groups and found a couple i could cope with socially - I have 2 long term real friends from this which I'm quite surprised about! we bonded over slepplessness/real nappies/ and a love of tea /theatre - as tried to talk about stuff not all baby related...

otehrwise did soem structured one- like singing time /baby gym 0 just because they required less socialising in a way as a programme but also put on 'nodding' terms with people locally...

volunteered at local playgroup to help - which was great as I could hide in the tea room /tidy up and deal with people on a smaller basis....

dont be afraid to try places and see how you go....I also did a lot of wondering around the park as dc slept best on the move and I got some fresh air exercise

If you have the money use it to pay for help. That's how I coped! I would have gone crackers otherwise, as my DH worked insane hours when my two were tiny. So pay for a cleaner or a childminder a day or two per week. If your baby is tiny and you're not comfortable leaving them in childcare, pay for a mothers helper to come to your house for a couple of hours to play with/bath the baby while you get a rest or catch up on things.

If you're introverted and not going to many classes you'll possibly struggle without a break (I know I did) so throw money at it and get through that crazy (boring) first year as best you can and then things will get easier.

Oh and always have something planned to look forward to - I made sure every month that I had booked a break away with friends/concert/comedy gig or even just a manicure or trip to the hairdressers. It kept me looking forward and not drowning in a despair of domesticity.

When I had my first baby my husband was working 16 hours a day, 7 days a week and I was living abroad so had no family to help, and I couldn't even speak the language.

It was very hard but I used to go out every day for a walk to the shops or the beach. I don't know how I managed now I think back.

We went through a period when I was alone from 5am monday morning until 8pm friday night.

What helped me was getting out as much as possible, and having some kind of routine. I also made sure I had a treat to look forward to once the kids were in bed (face mask, a good series on netflix, a glass of wine)

Mine worked away mon to fri, I m not sure I can be much help though, I really enjoyed it. It would have been better if he’d been home more but we were all fine.

@BillHadersNewWifeyes I am married. I used DP to refer to others' parters on here but DH for mine as we are married! :-)

The OP actually refers to DPs in general but refers specifically to her husband if you read it again

I forgot to add, no family close (either geographically or emotionally).

Sorry cross post OP

@AngstyAnnie love your ideas about having things booked in to look forward to. How did you manage those in terms of childcare? If you were BF etc?

Also can you leave the baby with a mother's help or are they more for having in the home at the same time as you are there to share the load? Thanks x

i enjoyed classes just to be around other people OP- didnt make any friends as such. But I liked being around other people, exchanging a friendly word. I also enjoyed our soft play centre, they had a babies section (mainly sensory things), it was lovely just to get out amongst the world.

Activities most days, try to find a couple of mum mates to grumble to. My DH was overseas Monday to Friday as soon as 2 weeks paternity leave was over. A structure to the week really helps. I did baby friendly pilates, baby swimming, found a brilliant toddler group after trying a few. My friend went to the gym/pool and used the creche there and going a few times a week made a big difference to her sanity levels. And something to distract you when all the other husbands are coming home but yours isn't, sniff! It's a lonely place you're in, but your DH sounds on a similar trajectory to mine, and now he is around much more, joining in with so much family life. Worth those early years graft!

I found a weekly schedule worked well e.g. class on a Monday and Wednesday, day out with DS Tuesday, NCT meetup Thursday, library Friday. DS napped twice a day so I had a series ready to watch when he did. I did a lot of going to different supermarkets and slow cooking!

I would take advantage of your DH being at home until 8.30/9am, he can be on parent duty then as he won't in the evenings. This will give you time to sleep/shower/sit in a room by yourself and give you some mental "time off". Don't let him say that he needs to get ready for work, he can do that in 30 min and be on baby duty for the rest of the time.

Otherwise as PP have said, get out every day, whether it's a group, a walk or a visit to the supermarket. In the early days for me, going to the shop for one or two items was a clear event in the day, but also low stress as it wasn't time dependent.

Even if you're not a joiner, going to a couple of classes or play sessions will be good for you, and if it's a music class or similar there's fairly limited expectation to chat to others unless you want to. See if you have a Children's Centre near you as they will do cheap classes and drop in "stay and play" sessions. If you can connect with one or two "mum friends" then do, I was similarly apprehensive but my little group have been invaluable both for baby chat that bores anyone else and adult company.

Finally, either forget the housework beyond the basics, or get a cleaner.

I went out every day, whatever the weather. I tried every baby/toddler group going, and went to some regularly. Regular trips to everywhere free such as the library.

My DH is out 12 hours a day, travels regularly and we have no family nearby so I totally understand how hard it is OP!

My biggest tips:
Be up and dressed before DH leaves so you have nothing stopping you leaving the house when you want to
Build a network fast as you can. Lots of other mums in your shoes, get to whatever classes suit you.
Everything at the moment should be as convenient as you can afford - frozen chopped onions literally changed my life !
Pick a day when DH can prepare / provide a meal for you, and a day when he can give you a lie in. Obviously he should be doing his fair share around the house but being realistic when you are both tired its easier to pick a couple of things that you can rely on.
I had my second 19 months after my first. I really wouldn't recommend it when you are doing so much alone - sorry if that's a bit too brutally honest.
Both mine are school age now and I promise you it really does get easier

Similar here! I've found it's got easier as DS has got a bit older and he's more engaged in things like swimming / going to the playground etc. I'm not a great joiner but I've found a few classes that I enjoy - generally exercise classes which involve the baby too (eg baby-wearing Pilates) which are a good balance of entertaining the baby and adult time. We have a cleaner which I think is helpful because I feel like I can legitimately spend my days playing with baby or going in long walks without feeling guilty for not doing the vacuuming. DH also tries to come home earlyish one or two nights a week so he gets a bit of baby time even if he then has to work after.

My husband worked away for 7 months when our DD was a baby and you just have to get into a routine and crack on.

• Go out every day, even if it's a walk around the block.

• Rest in the day when you can.

• If you can afford a cleaner every other week or even once a month to do a deep clean that will help massively and one less thing for you to be worried about.

• I'm not one for small talk or mum chat, but groups can be really nice and just a reason to get out of the house and bond with your baby. If you're not into groups, find a soft play near you that has a sensory area and go there. No pressure, no group and a cheap activity.

• Have a routine.

• Depending on how old baby is/childcare, do some KIT days to give yourself a break and get back to just being you for a day and speaking to other adults.

Like you say it's not forever so you just have to make it work while you have to. My husband has been home for nearly a year now and I look back at that time and think how the fuck did I actually manage that, but women are tough and we just do :)

My husband works the same type of hours and travels a lot on top of that. We lived abroad when I had our first baby. I knew nobody and didn’t speak the language. I did eventually find another mum from my home country and through her a couple more. So I would at least meet up with them a couple of times a week. First 6-7 months I had nobody though and I think, looking back, I was quite depressed.

It put a real strain on our relationship and I resented DH for years as I had envisioned him being much more involved than he wanted/could be. It wasn’t until we moved to the UK years later that things got better. Not because he was more involved but because it was just a better/easier country for me to live in. I no longer needed his time or support. He’s always been a bit of an outsider in our family though. Me and the kids are a much stronger unit just us. It was his choice and I chose to accept it.

You sound exactly like me about three years ago! It was tough, but my husband's long days paid off and he's been working from home for the past year which has been great. I'm such an introvert but when my son was about 7 weeks I got cabin fever and went to a baby sensory class. It was ridiculous, but I got to sit down with other mums and moan about not getting any sleep. Then I started joining other clubs and coffee mornings and found a few mums to go for buggy walks with, and generally ensured I had something to do most days. It's all died down since I went back to work two years ago, but I still go to a toddler class a week and it makes me feel like I'm achieving something.

I did a lot of workout videos and a ton of Yoga With Adriene videos when my baby started napping too, and I actually got quite fit during maternity leave which surprised me. It's hard when you don't have that support during the day but I hope it gets easier for you. I had days when I mostly binge watched How I Met Your Mother when it got too much.

love your ideas about having things booked in to look forward to. How did you manage those in terms of childcare? If you were BF etc?

It usually meant I went with friends as opposed to DH. I arranged these around my DHs work schedule. It was usually once a month on a Saturday or Sunday and he took over the DC. He's not a social creature so he'd rather stay at home with them (since he rarely saw them) while I did most of my socialising with my friends/family. I pumped twice a day from the start with DD2 - some people find it a hassle but it saved my sanity as it meant I could leave them if I needed/wanted as I felt so suffocated when I exclusively breastfed DD1. Now they're a older my childminder's daughter babysits.

As regards to the mothers help, I imagine you could make whatever type of arrangement you wanted? You could have someone help you at home first and when you build up trust and confidence in that person you could leave them with the baby while you go out if you were both happy with that arrangement? I'd just discuss with them in advance what they'd be comfortable with.