To ask how you cope- DP long hours & new baby

[CloudSurfers]

How do people manage with a new baby on maternity leave and beyond when their DP works very long hours? My DH works till at least 10pm often later. He doesn't leave till about 8.30/9 in the mornings. I know it's not ideal but it won't last forever- he's in a career where in a few years time he will have much more flexibility, so for now it is what it is. There's no point in me going to work and him looking after baby as he earns 4 x my salary. He does his fair share of chores at the weekends but I do pretty much everything during the week. The plus side is his income is fairly high-ish so although we are not rolling in it we are lucky enough to be able to fork out for a few extras if we think it will help.

Does anyone else have experience of DP long hours whilst being a new parent? What tips do you have? I'm generally quite introverted so not a great "classes" type person but guessing it will be a good idea to get past this and do activities with the baby. I also want to get back into my fitness.

Any tips to help me keep my sanity and stay happy on maternity and for me and my DH to think about?

Found it absolutely fine with first baby after the initial 6 weeks, just got on with it but had a really nice routine.

2nd baby....when you wake up in the morning and know it's 2 on 1 until they go to bed it's really really draining and you have no time for a cup of tea/nap with baby.

I'm coming to end of maternity leave and my dH has just been promoted so goes on to 9-5, I would suggest not having your second till your partner's hours are sorted.

Sorry, not sure if you've had the baby yet or not, @CloudSurfers? If not, many don't know how they will 'cope' until they're in the situation.

What does your husband do? Is there any chance of flexibility in his work?

Would your partner share any paternity leave with you? You can take it concurrently. So he could take a month or something after his 2 weeks just incase you have any issues eg I was severely anaemic and had a bad birth and was a few weeks before I had energy to go a short walk. I suggested concurrent rather than taking it at the end as the end is easier and also you would then be doing without his salary.

Otherwise he could use his holiday eg take every wednesday off for a few weeks so if you're struggling then you've only got 2 days in a row by yourself.

I am not very social but had first baby in the spring and spent loads of time walking outdoors

Keep busy but not too busy that you wear yourself out, sleep when they sleep, make easy meals and batch cook. Go easy on yourself.

How far along are you? If you have time I'd recommend doing an NCT course or something like it so that you have local friends in the same boat. It was really nice knowing when you're up doing feeds at 3am there would undoubtedly be someone awake on the group chat if you felt lonely/upset/bored. We also had a casual long-standing arrangement that every Wednesday whoever was around would meet at a cafe for lunch and a walk. You may also find a friend who can help with exercising e.g. one of you watches the two babies for an hour while the other works out and then swap.

It is good to get out but equally I'd say don't pressure yourself to. I'm quite a homebody so I really enjoy relaxing at home. I really pushed myself to get out everyday with dc1 and I wish I'd just relaxed more while I recovered from the birth and established feeding. I've been a lot more easygoing with dc2 and have allowed myself plenty of rest days. Equally maybe wait a while before joining baby clubs - I found they were a bit of a waste in the early days but once dc1 could sit up and engage a bit more they were better. I did enjoy baby massage though which you can do from early on as obviously the baby just lies there while you learn and practise the techniques. Routine does help. I'd definitely get a shower in before your dh leaves for work (even if you get straight back in your pjs for a nap) and I'd also look into a childminder or nursery for a couple of mornings a week to give you a break, maybe aiming to start that when the baby is a few months old but you know you have it coming up! I'd also look into cleaners in your area - we have a cleaner once a week and it's a massive help.

I found it easier to cope when DP went back to work, baby and I got into a routine that suited us both, I did chores while he slept, joined a Mother & Baby group and a Baby Sensory Class to get us out and socialising and I spent loads to time just cuddling him on the sofa. Don't panic, accept that you can't do everything and you'll be fine.

"You just cope. Sleep when they sleep. Get out and about. Be organised but don't give too much of a shit about the housework.*

This. Join things, baby classes/groups. Get Amazon prime if you don't already. Get a sling, and a thermal mug. Have things to look forward to.

You'll probably find that you make a nice little routine, and then when your DH is off he messes up the routine and gets on your nerves

If it’s your first child it’s not so difficult really. You nap when they nap, stay in bed late if you feel the need to catch up on some sleep and don’t feel guilty about it. It’s when you have to get up in the morning with older children that it gets tough.

Since you have the funds I’d hire a cleaner personally. Definitely join in with some local groups. I use the app Hoop, you tap your postcode in and it brings up all of the local groups and activities in your area.

DH often out of the house by 7.30 and home at 7pm or later (9 or 10pm) and he works a lot of weekends. Not for a high wage either!

My parents helped out when things were difficult. I was not well for almost two months after the birth, so help was appreciated then, later on I got terrible mastitis which really made me feel like shit. I suspect I was borderline for PND, but I have a history of depression so fortunately have coping strategies and unfortunately mask it well. My parents were amazing though.

I did eventually get out to toddler groups, which was good for DS, but I didn't make any friends. I don't really like socialising and suck at it really, just drains the energy out of me. Going for walks was nice though, walked for miles on nice days.

I was a very shy and non group person when I first had my little boy. But I eventually found a music group that we have now been going to for 3 years! I found it better actually paying for a group as if it was a free one I had too many excuses not to go. I know with this one that I will be wasting money that we haven’t got to waste and we really love it. I know every week on a Monday we are going there and it sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My way to survive is to get out every day. I either go to a group, or the park, or meet with other friends for lunches. My boy is now nearly 4 and is at pre school twice a week. I work part time as a nurse so do 2 shifts a week. I think I would lose my sanity if I was purely a SAHM. I’m now 24 weeks with my second and will be going off on maternity in April. I’m really keen to take baby to groups etc just because I know how much I struggled in the early days and would shut myself in. Getting out even for a walk is a game changer x

Find a family friendly gym that has a creche. You get time to yourself to exercise, meet other mums and baby gets to grips with being away from you for a couple of hours whilst being well looked after with you close by.