Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adult DC have always lived at home and it's not a bad thing

42 replies

MaryQContrary · 03/02/2020 11:52

Growing up in the 60s 70s 80s the majority of people didn't go to university and it was considered quite normal for people to get a job, pay board to their parents and carry on living at home well into their 20s.

My brother and sister did this and managed to become fully functioning independent adults.

I understand it remains the norm in many European countries but on MN the general consensus is it's a Bad Thing.

OP posts:
ThreeAnkleBiters · 03/02/2020 11:58

I think it depends how it's happening. It's obviously fine for adult children to share a house with their parents and makes a lot of sense environmentally, financially and practically. I think it becomes a problem when they continue living there as overgrown teenagers rather than adults.

I definitely know a few that didn't take advantage of the lack of rent to save for the future and didn't feel any pressure to further their career as they didn't need to, just got used to having loads of disposable income, then found they couldn't bare to move out as they were just so unused to budgeting and not being able to buy whatever they want.

I know others though where it's worked out perfectly for parents and the adult children.

Iggypoppie · 03/02/2020 12:00

It's still also common in UK asian families. It seems a shame that we all split up as families as soon as is possible.

ShanghaiDiva · 03/02/2020 12:01

Agree, this was completely normal. My cousin did no go to uni and left home when she got married in mid 1980s and is an independent adult. My ds is now at uni and depending on jobs and location he is welcome to stay at home.

YouWereRight · 03/02/2020 12:02

Early 20's is fine, and normal. 30+ and I'd be questioning why they don't want to be independent.

ShanghaiDiva · 03/02/2020 12:03

My ds is at uni in the Uk and we live in China so I don’t doubt his ability to live as an independent adult should he move back in with us in the future.

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2020 12:05

It's ok if the adult child contributes their share towards the household finances, and if they do their bit otherwise as well; ie clearing up their messes (spilt tea, coffee, milk etc)., Changing their own bedsheets, doing their own washing, a bit of hoovering? So often they don't. They're used to having it all done for them. Trust me! I know!

EvilPea · 03/02/2020 12:09

With house prices and rent the way it is, I’m amazed it’s not considered normal. It makes perfect sense to me if you get on and the house is big enough.
Extra adults to help raise the children, company for any lonely people. Support through financial hard times, or illness.
Seems a win win

Incidentally I don’t get on with mine.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 12:10

Agree with a PP that it completely depends on the situation.

I lived with my parents until I was 30 but it was very much a houseshare-type environment after I was about 18 to be honest. My mum didn't do my dinner or washing etc.

My cousin, on the other hand, lived at home until a similar age but it was very much as if he was still 17. Mummy did everything for him.

I don't see the issue at all if everyone is pulling their weight as individual adults, but I think there is a problem if the adult children are remaining irresponsible and pampered.

dayslikethese1 · 03/02/2020 12:20

I find it hard to understand why anyone would want to do this but I suppose there are some circumstances where it is necessary in the short term. But then I was always very keen to get away from home so I admit my opinion is biased. Sometimes I think people get too comfortable at home and it damages their impetus which you need at that age (early 20s).

Original poster
MaryQContrary · 03/02/2020 12:21

It's ok if the adult child contributes their share towards the household finances

Agreed but on MN the majority seem aghast at the thought of charging adult DC rent/board. And if you do take money off them, you must put it aside and give it back to them when they move out!

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 03/02/2020 12:24

Quite normal in my family too. My Bros paid rent and lived at home well into their 20s. I didn't, but I was 150 miles away at Uni. I still went home in the hols though.

AgentPrentiss · 03/02/2020 12:24

I think my issue with adult children living at home would be issues around their friends and partners staying over etc.

My children can probably stay at home for as long as like within reason, but I don’t want to share my house with any strange adult men, or even women for that matter. Could I tell a grown adult they can’t have a boyfriend stay the night in their own home? Or put up with it and be uncomfortable in my own home?

pauapaua · 03/02/2020 12:30

mine are welcome here as long as they want or need to, I keep their bedrooms for them. We've just changed one from a single child's room to an adults double room so their long term girlfriend can stay over.

adaline · 03/02/2020 12:33

I think it's absolutely fine so long as the adult children are studying or in work, and contributing to the general running of the house.

I moved back home in my late twenties after my engagement ended and it worked fine. I had a job, did all my laundry, cooked my own meals and paid rent. It allowed me to save money so that I could get my license and a car - then I got a better paying job and moved out eighteen months later.

It was a lifesaver for me.

AJPTaylor · 03/02/2020 12:38

I left home happily at 20 and never looked back. Dd1 came back after uni for a year. Dd2 didn't do uni but left home at 19.
However, there is always room for them should they need it.

stellabelle · 03/02/2020 12:39

I grew up in the 70's and I left home at 19 - everyone I knew was away from home or pretty close to that by the time they were 20.

One thing that is very different, is the idea of boyfriends / girlfriends staying overnight. That's something that would never happen "back in the day". It was just you and your folks, and if you wanted a sleepover with your boyfriend , you'd go to their place or to a hotel. Your parents didn't have to cope with people wandering out in the morning. The house was very much your parent's territory - you were there in the role of their child , not as an adult with a sex life etc. I'm not sure that people today would want to live that way into their 20's or 30's.

FishCanFly · 03/02/2020 12:42

Another European country. Yes, but "paying rent" seems kinda weird. Grown up children would eventually take over the running of the household, and parents would retire.

Tyersal · 03/02/2020 13:08

I can't imagine wanting to. What arnott privacy? Lounging on the sofa in your Pjs on a sun? Walking from bathroom to bedroom naked after a shower? Noisy sex?

Sounds like a lot of compromise

BarbedBloom · 03/02/2020 13:15

That isn't necessarily universally true about partners in the past. I grew up in the 80s and a fair few relatives and family friends had their children's partners sleeping over.

I think it depends on the situation. If they can all exist as adults in the same house with each contributing then fine. But too often you get stuck in a dynamic where there is adult and child even when said child is mid 20s. This was certainly true with my DH who lived at home for a long time and his mother was still telling him what to eat and wear etc. She was also very jealous of me when we first got together and he started spending more time with me and asking for my advice instead.

I left home at 18 because I couldn't stay there one more second with my abusive father. I have lived with my mum briefly as an adult after a relationship breakdown and it did not work at all. I am more tidy than she is, she is very much men first when it comes to food and housework, so my brother wasn't expected to do anything at all. He is still living there now and I really don't think it has helped him as he is very much a man child.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 13:15

In the 60s/early 70s you tended to marry before 25

MummyJasmin · 03/02/2020 13:18

I don't see what wrong with living until your late 20's, even 30's, so long as you pull your weight and help one another. Also it enables saving up for a deposit. My background is Asian however, so this is the norm for us.

Original poster
MaryQContrary · 03/02/2020 13:21

One thing that is very different, is the idea of boyfriends / girlfriends staying overnight. That's something that would never happen "back in the day"

I know Grin But my brother and sister both dated and had steady (as it was called then) boy/girlfriends so they managed somehow.

I'm always bemused by the anguished threads on MN where the OP wants to know if she should let her 16 year old share a bed with their "partner". No bloody way. If DD wants to bring a boyfriend home when she goes to university he can stay in the spare room and they can be discreet! If she gets a boyfriend before then, they can snog goodnight on the doorstep Grin

OP posts:
eggandonion · 03/02/2020 13:24

We have three adult kids living away, and the adult family dog living at home. I'd love an adult kid to return,and look after the dog at times! As soon as they got proper jobs they moved away so I didn't benefit from rent.

karencantobe · 03/02/2020 13:37

Yes that is true OP, but the adult kids worked full time. I know of more and more adult kids who live at home, choosing to only work part-time
or choosing not to work at all because they will only do a good job.

Rosebel · 03/02/2020 13:40

I think it's probably okay if you pull your weight and if you've always lived at home. What works less well is when you move back home. I don't know why but I found my relationship with my dad really suffered when I moved home. He nags about things and it didn't bother me when I lived at home but really annoyed me when I moved back.
I also think when you get used to doing what you want when you want it's very restrictive to move back home.