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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my parents

37 replies

mamma3486 · 02/02/2020 23:39

I just need to vent.

DS is probably on the autism spectrum we recently realised - we have spoken to a several therapists and a good pediatrician and there's no question he needs early intervention. We just started ST/OT therapy. I told my parents yesterday - they were very quiet, mum was slightly in denial. Today they sent me a very considered email saying:

-they were so upset and worried they couldn't have lunch
-it's probably normal
-boys develop slower than girls
-genes from my mum and me contribute to DS "shyness"
-take DS to playgroups so he meets at many children as possible
-try to talk in simple words and short simple sentences. These are things that can be done for his development.
-even if it's autism it looks mild to us.
-don't be too worried.

And that's it. FFS my father is a medical doctor. I hate every sentence they wrote. And apart from the crap advice they haven't bothered to ask us how we are doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamma3486 · 02/02/2020 23:44

I just think that they should keep how "heavy their hearts are" to themselves. And not dole out advice on playgroups and how to talk to children that any competent parent would be doing anyway.

Why can't they just reassure us by saying that we're doing all the right things like my PIL and friends did.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/02/2020 23:44

The very fact they 'sent you an e-mail' rather than speaking to you in person, or phoning you for a chat, is (to me) odd in itself. Hmm

GreenTulips · 02/02/2020 23:44

War horse for older kids

OhioOhioOhio · 02/02/2020 23:46

I don't know but can easily see why you'd be pissed off.

Cherrysoup · 02/02/2020 23:48

Weird to put it in an email. I only ever got emails when I’d reallypissed my parents off. Not very helpful, are they?

Original poster
mamma3486 · 02/02/2020 23:49

I wrote out a reply, saying I find their reassurances upsetting - I would have sought therapy sooner if my concerns hadn't been brushed over. And attached a copy of an assessment form we filled out listing all the observations we made that tick almost every box for sensory issues and autism and point out that this is a bit more than shyness and not talking.

Not sent it yet though. Waiting to cool down first.

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 02/02/2020 23:51

To be fair... there are a few grains of truth in their email but... to send an email??? And to not ask you how you are coping?
I am sorry that your parents have taken this approach.
Wishing you all well.

Original poster
mamma3486 · 02/02/2020 23:53

Not very helpful, are they?

No, they've always given out bad or inane advice. I really envy people who have parents who know just what to say to make you feel better, or give out wise words to put things in context and make you feel stronger. I really feel sorry for myself sometimes that there's so little wisdom or experience I can extract from mine.

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 02/02/2020 23:53

Unfortunately some people have a tough time accepting that there is something different about a loved one through fear that of the unknown and fear that other will judge them.

This is especially prevalent when the someone is a child/grandchild.

I no longer have a relationship with my grandma due to her attitude towards people with ASD and other similar behavioural/neurological disorders.My younger brother (26) and DS (10) have ASD.

My mum has now joined me in the ignoring her camp as a few weeks ago she told my mum that people like my brother and my son are a drain on society's resources.

My own family aside I have a friend who has a 13 year old son who's quite obviously on the Spectrum and fairly high up the spectrum too and yet both her and her ex partner refuse point blank to acknowledge their son needs an assessment.Quite a few of her friends have sons with ASD;she's remarked to many of us how similar her son is to them but she still has blinkers on.Her ex seems to believe his son just needs to socialise with other kids and has my friend running around like a headless chicken after school and at weekends taking him to the endless list of clubs etc he's in however from what my friend tells me her son hates most of them.

Original poster
mamma3486 · 02/02/2020 23:57

@1Morewineplease

What grains of truth? We told them DS goes to playgroups almost every day. And we talk to DS the way everyone talks to kids - both simple and complex words, slightly exaggerated tones. We have more specific one word exercises we do with DS from therapy.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamma3486 · 02/02/2020 23:59

@popsydoodle4444

I can't believe your mum said such a thing - how awful 😟

OP posts:
Littlewelshridinghood · 02/02/2020 23:59

My DF was the same when DS1 and then DS2 were diagnosed with DLD. He kept saying that they'll grow out of it. It wound me up so bad

Original poster
mamma3486 · 03/02/2020 00:02

I'm less bothered about the email aspect. Their first language is not English, and though they are fluent they want to make sure that they get the words just right. So it's a very considered email, not something they just whipped out.

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 03/02/2020 00:02

It’s so frustrating isn’t it, when it’s your own family and you cannot count on them for support. I feel you I have the same with my side of the family and recently with the pil, it’s horrible hearing about people who have that close support system from their parents, I have felt terrible jealousy of friends who have that.

Kind of got over it by realising that I am strong and can cope without them, you are the same super strong and doing everything right by your child

rvby · 03/02/2020 00:02

They sound like people who have no idea how to communicate with someone who is having a hard time. Sadly, the vast majority of folk are like this.

My own mum is just the same. She sent a similar email when I told her I'd left my husband. She then avoided me for a year because she didnt really want to hear how I felt.

You say yourself they are full of shit advice - maybe best to expect as little as possible from them. Limit what you tell them, and always spin it so they dont stick their oars in. I've done this myself - hard, but ultimately sanity saving.

Original poster
mamma3486 · 03/02/2020 00:05

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

Kind of got over it by realising that I am strong and can cope without them, you are the same super strong and doing everything right by your child

@rvby

You say yourself they are full of shit advice - maybe best to expect as little as possible from them. Limit what you tell them, and always spin it so they dont stick their oars in. I've done this myself - hard, but ultimately sanity saving.

Thanks! Both spot on.

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 03/02/2020 00:08

@mamma3486

It was my grandma not my mum.

My mum now no longer talks to my grandma after my grandma made that comment.My mum has had the patience of a saint with the stuff my grandma has said regarding my brother over the years but has become less tolerant when my grandma has started including my son in her Ill informed bigoted crap.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 03/02/2020 00:08

My PILs still don't believe my son is Autistic and he was diagnosed in 2013. Some people just live in denial sadly

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 03/02/2020 00:10

Oh I’ve heard so much shite advice 🙄 you know what I have befriended so many other adults of my parents age, that actually give me great help and advice that I barely notice it now.

It’s sad but but you have to protect yourself.

If it was me and they are essentially kind but misguided people I wouldn’t reply to the email or anything I’d just leave it and not really update them. Try to keep the conversation on stuff they are familiar in discussing. That way you won’t have this again

bananahood · 03/02/2020 00:12

I sympathise. My DD has several long term physical issues and both my parents refuse to accept it. They say things like "isn't she just being a baby" and "but all babies do that don't they". Meanwhile the consultant says it's one of the worst cases he's seen in his career. I do think some people have a hard time accepting there could be anything different about someone they love. Unfortunately that comes across like not believing or accepting the opinions of the people who recognise that there is something going on.

Skittlesandbeer · 03/02/2020 00:19

My mum is classic for this kind of thing, and here’s what I’ve figured out over many years.

She is fundamentally concerned only with her public reputation whenever I alert her to an issue with one of us (or the kids). Doubly so if it’s a psychological/emotional issue. But even for basic ‘Turns out DD needs braces’. Somehow it all reflects badly on her, and she gets this defensive, panicked reaction. Like it’s all so embarrassing and shameful.

It’d be funny, if it didn’t underline so obviously that she couldn’t care less for the person with the issue, or those supporting that person directly. Or any of the other implications for our family life- financial strain, the effort and energy of researching/implementing treatments, us coming to terms with a new reality, etc.

It’s basically all about her, and ‘what will my friends say’ and ‘will this affect my social status?’.

Reread your parents email with this in mind to check. I bet it’s about them, not you or your kids.

All you can do with people who use the ‘it’s all about me’ filter is to cross them off your list of ‘supportive folk I trust with info.’ Trust me, they won’t ask if you don’t volunteer future updates. If it comes up, just be bland and vague and say ‘we’re getting the professional and emotional support we need, ongoing.’ Shut them out. They are the embarrassment.

And limit time with your kids. They don’t need this ignorant hurtful poison dripped in their ears. My DD (9) rang granny excited to tell her that she was getting braces and that they were letting her choose the colour. Granny immediately said to make sure they weren’t fitted until after school photos day, or she wouldn’t want the pic up on her fridge this year (as she normally does). Delightful.

Panpastels · 03/02/2020 00:19

I tell my parents as little as possible, as my mother has a tendency to make things all about her.
You're doing fine Smile

1Morewineplease · 03/02/2020 00:20

Boys do develop more slowly, increasing socialisation , using simple sentences.
Those were the grains of truth i was referring to.
You didn’t make it clear that you were following a therapeutic approach... merely that your child was receiving OT/ ST therapy from service providers.
You didn’t say that your child goes to playgroups almost every day , in your initial post.
Best wishes.

saraclara · 03/02/2020 00:22

Maybe your parents have a touch of ASD too. And it makes it hard for them to get this stuff right.

TheNanny23 · 03/02/2020 00:24

That’s a lot that’s unfair, particularly putting in an email, but to be fair as a medical doctors your father may be cynical about the diagnosis of autism without a thorough assessment. It sounds like there have been a few people you’ve spoken to and a screening questionnaire filled out- it may be he does have ASD but I’d hold my judgement until he has a diagnostic assessment.