To be annoyed at my parents

[mamma3486]

I just need to vent.

DS is probably on the autism spectrum we recently realised - we have spoken to a several therapists and a good pediatrician and there's no question he needs early intervention. We just started ST/OT therapy. I told my parents yesterday - they were very quiet, mum was slightly in denial. Today they sent me a very considered email saying:

-they were so upset and worried they couldn't have lunch
-it's probably normal
-boys develop slower than girls
-genes from my mum and me contribute to DS "shyness"
-take DS to playgroups so he meets at many children as possible
-try to talk in simple words and short simple sentences. These are things that can be done for his development.
-even if it's autism it looks mild to us.
-don't be too worried.

And that's it. FFS my father is a medical doctor. I hate every sentence they wrote. And apart from the crap advice they haven't bothered to ask us how we are doing.

There is a phrase round here (UsA)

You dont go to the hardware store to buy milk

It sounds like you know your parents are crap at the empathy and good advice bit. It doesnt make it any easier though. If you have good PIL, lean in that direction.

So sorry, it sucks to not be able to rely on people you should be able to rely on.

My dad has only just come around to my sons adhd diagnosis and can't get his head around the upcoming asd assessment.

He's now trying to say that he feels that he may have had these conditions when he was younger too but they lessened as he got older. Pisses me of when he tells me how he wiggles his feet when he's watching tv and it reminds him so much of my son. It's not the same thing at all.

It does read a bit like the sort of advice a doctor would give a patient to reassure them. In extreme circumstances, I suppose we all revert to a place that is comfortable to us.

I sympathise - my parents are similar. They do come through with practical and financial support though. Hope yours do the same.

What saraclara said. ASD has a strong genetic component, perhaps your parents struggle with empathy and putting themselves in someone else’s shoes too.

I know when my nephew was diagnosed with ASD, many behavioural traits demonstrated by my mum and sister (and possibly myself) suddenly made sense.

@TinklyLittleLaugh the lack of empathy did make me wonder that.

@mellicauli

It does read a bit like the sort of advice a doctor would give a patient to reassure them.

But the thing is a doctor would tell it straight right? The pediatrician certainly did - she was very, very frank and said to me that DS has very, very obvious signs. And DS does check all the boxes 😟. I just don't know how it helps anyone to say "it's a phase", "he'll grow out of it" etc except it makes the person saying it feel better.

The shy genes sentence really, really annoyed me. I want to remind them that ASD has a genetic component too and they should look at themselves, but I'm not going to be that mean. Because yes there's also an element of shame involved with them. They do love DS but they'll also be thinking how this will look to their friends. He's the only GC.

DH made me laugh. He said instead of a reply I should send them this meme.

it really helps to talk to dh about it, we often laugh and roll our eyes at what they say. If i didn’t I’d probably cry

Whatever you decide to do, don't send your parents the assessment form you filled in. They'll query your every response. I had an elderly auntie who 'hushed up' that a baby born into the family had a congenital abnormality. It's an old-fashioned attitude that still treats such things as taboo.

It’s a generational thing I think. My cousin was diagnosed with ASD 15 years ago, when she was 13. My whole family won’t talk about it, she got very little support from her parents growing ups
I mentioned it to my Nan recently and her exact response was “Well it was a long time ago, she’s grown out of it”

I would really consider whether they need to see the entire report. I've learnt the hard way over the past few years that even though I originally thought I had to justify my choices regarding my children / myself to my parents and siblings, the most painful part was when they knew the facts and still continued to have a go at my decisions well after I made them...

My eldest ds who is in his 20's has ASD. I've heard all sorts of comments from various people over the years and I have felt upset about some of them. I now try to think about the motivation behind the comment. If I think the person has said whatever as a means of trying to be helpful then I try to let it go even if they are way off target. I feel that your parents probably fall into this category.

They sent a follow-up message to DH saying they were feeling what we were feeling. How do they know?! They never asked us? 😐 i went low contact because I found interacting with them stressful. I'm just going to try ignore them now and focus on DS.