DH telling really daft lie

[MaidofMuswell]

DH and I going through rocky patch as he’s working v hard and never good at doing that and also remembering has a wife so been a bit selfish / absent for few weeks.

V sweetly gave me tub of bath salts today as gesture to say sorry as he knows I love a soak. Weird thing is, he told a whole story about how “the woman in John Lewis said they were the nicest in there” and it’s a tub from the champneys brand that I am pretty sure is only sold in boots.

He is a bit odd and unobservant and he just went a bit confused when I mentioned this and said he’d been on oxford st and thought was JL but there is a big boots there too. Maybe he think I’ll think it’s posher if comes from JL or something so was trying to make it seem like had spent more or something but a. That’s a bit odd anyway and b. The whole thing is just weird.

He’s always been a bit evasive and unreliable w timing etc and a few friends have asked if he’s possibly been having an affair (normally friends with husbands who have done so are bit alert to that as a risk) and I’ve always been confident he’s a good man who is just a bit hopeless in some ways but there’s something really weird about this I can’t pin down and I’m wondering if he’s got someone else to buy them or he’s bought different gifts and got the stories mixed up. I just can’t work out what it is that’s making me so uneasy about this.

*The bath salts are irrelevant.
If multiple friends are hinting, and you're getting suspicious about little things, he probably is having an affair.
Friends don't hint about stuff like that unless they have a really good idea about it.

This. I'd go further and suggest that the friends wouldn't be mentioning an affair unless they actually know he is having one.*

Both of these people are spot on ^.

The bath salts are irrelevant. It doesn't matter where they came from. Deal with the important things here...

As people have said above, the Boots and John Lewis on Oxford St are not right next to each other and are very different in layout and style.

It’s his comment about what she said that would get my spider senses tingling; if he hadn’t said that I’d put it down to getting the shop names mixed up.

It’s less likely imo a sales assistant in Boots said this. Champneys don’t have a concession there and their products are stacked in the shelves next to other products. The non-concession staff at Boots aren’t usually purposefully milling about in the aisles about giving advice, unlike at JL or another dept store.

So no, I don’t think the bath salts are irrelevant. They’re an incident that, built upon your friends saying things and your other concerns, would have me wanting to covertly dig deeper. As PP have said, your friends raising concerns is quite significant. It’s hardly a jokey comment if it’s made a few tunes by different people.

Trust your instincts OP

And I do think a PP is spot on - he bought something else for someone else in JL and the comment was made there about that gift. Speculating obviously, but it might be he then felt guilty and nipped into Boots when passing to get you something too. Would he be using Bond Street station to go home? There’s a small Boots in there you pass when going into the underground main entrance.

What are the reasons your friends suggested an affair?

And are your friends who made comments in a position to know things you don’t, eg are they or their husbands good friends with your DH or work with him etc?

Errrrmmmm no. Did you read the OP?!

I did. Ok, gossipy friends and a "weird feeling" too.

Lets face it none of us know whats going on.

However this is mumsnet, home of the broken relationship,if it wasn't broken before we can break it. Nothing helps destroy a relationship like suspicion.

He bought a gift and said it came from a different shop. Terrible. If he'd bought flowers from the supermarket and said they came from the florist would you think he was having an affair or think he was a bit of a prat for pretending he'd made more effort than he had?

I think there is more going on here than just Bath Salts! If your DF think he is maybe having an affair and you feel something is odd about his behaviour that speaks volumes !

TooEarlyForDecorations I agree with you!

Mixing the shops up wouldn't scream affair to me. My only suspicion with that would be that he actually hadn't bought them at all and maybe they'd been given to him at work by someone who didn't want them or whatever.

Hmm I get what you mean OP, someone I know who is a bit of a compulsive liar does this - gives just a bit too much detail.

Agree completely. I used to have a friend who would just go into far too much detail with his lies. You wouldn't have picked up that it was a lie without that.

The bath salts thing isn't a big deal in my opinion. He could have got mixed up about where he bought them. He could have asked someone in Boots what would be a nice present for you - eg. someone stacking the shelves or another shop assistant who happened to be there. So I don't think this can lead to the conclusion that he's having an affair.

I'd be more concerned about what your friends are saying. Friends don't say things like that unless they really do think something is going on that shouldn't be (unless they are trouble-making friends). I'd ask your most trusted friend if they know something and if they don't, why are they dropping hints about this.

Sorry been working didn’t mean to ignore all this. I think every comment makes sense - it could be absolutely nothing it could be absolutely something.

On balance I think nothing. The wider issues we are are essentially that he does not cope very well with more than a certain amount of pressure. So when we’ve had tiny babies, or when his work has got super busy, or when we’ve been long distance his default stress coping is to emotional withdraw and also to stop managing things well so will double book things, forget things, miss things etc. It’s a well established pattern and yes, some of the working late and the withdrawing could be affair related BUT I do still fundamentally trust him on big things if not daft things weirdly and also just don’t think he could handle the pressure. The affair thing came up years ago when he was also drinking in a mad way not so much in terms of quantity as manner - ie quite a few after a late one on a Tuesday and coming home in small hours when we had small baby - but nothing rest of week - and think behaviour was just so odd and my friends had been through hell and understandably had their perspectives coloured by it. Today don’t feel that bothered by salts, do think most likely trying to big up the gift which is sad in itself as it’s a lovely gesture. I am bothered by just generally feeling uneasy and unsettled and like I don’t have a reliable partner. He’s a superb father, a hard working professional and a well intentioned husband who just can’t stop drifting into emotional distance when things get hard. It’s really really hard.

I think without knowing what the friends exactly said their "hints" can't be given much weight. If OP said "X is acting like such a dick recently, and on Friday he said he'd be home in time for dinner then wasn't home until 1am, and we haven't had sex in weeks" it isn't unreasonable for them to say something like "Crikey, are you sure there's nothing else going on?" After all, on mumsnet you can't post anything about your husband without someone suggesting he's cheating, they could just be in that frame of mind.

I think OP's spidey senses just tingled because she could tell he was lying. Pointless lies can look more suspicious than they are, by dint of being pointless. I think it was something like, the bath salts were a colleague's unwanted secret santa gift which had been sitting in her desk for a month, and she said "hey Dave I'll never use these, want them for your missus?" and he wanted to reframe it as a thoughtful gift that he bought under his own steam.

My dh wouldn't have a clue where he bought them from, btw. I would park this one, but keep an eye open.

I think you are being paranoid re his lying about what shop he bought the gift in. My DH has form for not knowing where the fuck he is.. in town at Xmas time I phoned to say where are you he said Boots by the drink fridges. Well that’s where I was and no DH. He was in fecking Superdrug. He actually had to go outside and look at the sign 😂 however I do think that your feelings about this are symptomatic if a bigger problem and maybe you need to have a proper talk to him and get to the bottom of where things are going wrong x

Probably the ow cast of Xmas present. No on a serious note a lie is a lie and it's a strange one and when they lie about the little things that's when you need to worry.

And the fact that he said the woman said that "they're the best" is adding more lies onto the lie I can't see someone in boots saying that but somewhere like John Lewis would so he is trying to be more convincing. And come on who can't tell boots from a big department store?!

Can't you just check with your online banking?

I'm not sure I get this, you write your op like friends have recently said he may be over the side, but now you're saying it was years ago when you had a new born. Has there been anything since? How many years ago?

I couldn't get worked up about where my husband actually bought a gift, I'd assume he was out shopping and just didn't remember which shop it was. Maybe he was trying to big it up. Maybe he just forgot. Does it really matter,

The fact you link it to a possible affair is the issue here, and blame it on your friends for suggesting it. Yet then say well no that was years ago is the concern.

Hmmm. In my experience, you should trust your gut.

My "D"H travelled a lot with work and a letter arrived from a hotel he had been staying at hoping he had enjoyed his stay, and hoping he would come again.. Only it was addressed to Mr and Mrs Stifledlife.

I hadn't gone with him. He put it down to an error but my spidey senses were tingling.
That one small error uncovered 2 years of an affair, secret phones, bank accounts, etc.

Trust your gut.

Maybe he is lying because he didnt buy them, someone else got them for him.

And come on who can't tell boots from a big department store?!

There is a big Boots on Oxford St that looks more like a department store. The ground floor looks exactly like the ground floor of all the other nearby department stores with all the luxury beauty brand concessions.

JL and the big M&S at Marble Arch both stock beauty products that aren't available in other stores. There is a Waitrose Food Hall at JL, so if they stock it as a PP said, he might have got it in the Waitrose bit. Or he could have muddled JL up with one of the other department stores. There is also a newish T K Maxx near John Lewis. Possibly he is lying to cover up buying it there.

I wouldn't read too much into this in isolation.

I can't see someone in boots saying that

Depends on individual sales assistants. some people are naturally chatty and like to give you their opinion about what you are buying.

Sorry, can see all a bit confusing and mental to read! Think affair thing was me almost looking for an explanation as to why I felt weird about the bath salts thing and only coming up with the affair comments as a vague possible explanation for my feelings. I can’t really explain it very well - It’s not as straightforward as not trusting him because I think he’s shagging someone because I really don’t think I do think that. It’s because he’s just not fully there the whole time and does do things like add false details to stories to make it nicer when it’s perfectly nice giving someone bath salts whatever they cost and it makes me feel weird. It’s part of a bigger thing of him just not really being a totally real and responsible available adult. It’s hard to explain what I mean but it’s not just the emotional distance when he’s stressed or odd lies. We have a massive mortgage, bigger than I feel ok with which we got on the back of his current salary which is way more than he is likely to earn again (long story) and is in an industry he doesn’t want to stay in. He was very gung go about it all when we moved and I felt over cautious maybe so was happy enough and then last night when I tried to talk to him about work stress and what he really wanted to do he said he wanted to be a stay at home dad. Would totally have supported that but no way can cover currently massively needlessly big outgoings on my pay. He’s trying to be sweet today and texted asking
Me for dinner tomorrow night. I said was keen but who would have kids and is clear he’d forgotten that was something we needed to factor in. They are four and one. It’s really not the bath salts. It’s the sort of small but constant signs he’s not fully living in the real world and however gorgeous and kind and clever he is that does make life quite hard being married to him.