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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more of a thank you?

29 replies

Surrey93 · 02/02/2020 21:52

A close friend recently bought her first house. We have been redoing our house so offered some of our furniture (all only 1 or 2 years old at most) as a moving present to save her having to spend money. We could have sold the furniture for over £1000 all together so I thought it was a really generous gift but was happy to help my friend. (Gave a sofa, coffee table, tv stand and arm chair for context so pretty much kitted out her living room for free with good quality furniture).

She came and collected the furniture on Tuesday and I wasn’t expecting her to make a huge deal but a thank you would have been nice. She just turned up with her dad, loaded the furniture and said bye. I figured she would be busy this week moving in so I waited and text her Friday evening to ask how the move went etc and still no mention of the furniture or a thank you. She just said ‘yeah good thanks’ and changed the topic.

AIBU to expect more of an acknowledgement of the gift? I know I chose to give her those things but if it was the other way round I actually would have sent a thank you card and maybe even a gift. But I have not even received a text to say they appreciate us helping her out. I just feel a bit let down by a really good friend and feel like this happens every time I go out of my way to do something nice for someone!!

OP posts:

CareBear50 · 02/02/2020 22:06

I agree op, I think she should have been more grateful.

Maybe when she's over the stress of moving she will be more thankful???

MondeoFan · 02/02/2020 22:09

Yes I agree she should have been more open with the thank you'd unless she thought she was doing you a favour aswell by taking it off of your hands as you are getting new furniture.

Marnie76 · 02/02/2020 22:10

I wonder it’s a bit of miscommunication and she thought she was doing you a favour by ‘getting rid’ of your old furniture. Did you mention to her that you planned to sell it originally. If so then yes she’s very ungrateful.

Marnie76 · 02/02/2020 22:11

Ha cross post with you mondeofan

Floralnomad · 02/02/2020 22:13

I agree with pp that she probably feels she has done you a favour by taking the old stuff off your hands .

Robstersgirl · 02/02/2020 22:15

She took it to be nice and wanted to style her first house her way. Just because it’s naice furniture doesn’t mean it’s her taste. She probably didn’t want to upset you and is now stuck with it.

Skysblue · 02/02/2020 22:17

She might feel really awkward about it. She needs it but also feels patronised and wants to forget the whole thing asap. NO-ONE likes having to rely on charity.

She probably resents that you have so much more money than her.

She may not realise that you could have sold it for £1000 (and actually you can’t be sure you’d have got that). Perhaps she thinks she cleared your junk for free and you didn’t say thank you. But probably she just feels awkward and a bit resentful.

If you’re really her friend, start seeing the furniture as hers, not as your old stuff, never mention it again, and think of it as little as possible.

But it was a bit rude of her yes.

NameChange84 · 02/02/2020 22:25

I can see it from both sides. When I got my first home people gave me stuff that I felt obliged to take off of their hands to be polite but it wasn’t what I would have chosen myself and I felt that they were trying to get rid of stuff they no longer wanted or didn’t need. It was very kind however and unlike your friend I said thank you and sent cards etc but in all honesty at times it was more of a hinderence than a help and, after years of dreaming of how I’d want things in my home, I felt a bit sad that I “had” to have or use certain things that had been given to me rather than the lovely things I’d seen and wanted to buy myself. They were all very insistent I take them and it felt impolite to say no thank you. It was quite an awkward situation.

I’d agree that if she knew that you were intending on selling it that it’s extremely rude not to explicitly say thank you. If she felt like she was taking it of your hands or didn’t feel she was allowed to say no then she might just be feeling really awkward and a bit beholden to you.

katy1213 · 02/02/2020 22:32

Yes, she was bloody rude. If she didn't want it, she could have said no politely - I can't believe that anyone would be such a drip as to accept a roomful of furniture that wasn't to their taste. Although clearly some mumsnetters are.
Doubt you'd have got £1000 for it, though!

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 02/02/2020 22:56

No excuse for bad manners.

Thehop · 02/02/2020 23:01

That was rude.

teenagetantrums · 02/02/2020 23:06

Some people just rude. I gave a work colleague recently a TV and sofa they really needed not even a thank you. On the other hand l gave another colleague a desk he needed for his child and he was very thankful and gave me a card and a bottle of wine
It was all stuff l was getting rid off anyway so I'm not bothered about the wine but a thanks is always nice

yogo · 02/02/2020 23:07

She probably thinks she was helping you out and is wondering why you've not thanked her!

NoSauce · 02/02/2020 23:07

Is she normally like this? My bet is for some reason she thought you just wanted shut of it all, she should have thanked you though.

MsVestibule · 02/02/2020 23:11

Unless it was exceptionally expensive when you originally bought it, there's absolutely no way you'd have got anywhere near £1k secondhand for what you've described - however good quality it was, people just don't want to spend a lot on used furniture.

Yes, she should have said thank you but if you were happy to, and could easily afford to gift it to her, you just have to let it go now.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/02/2020 23:11

Second hand furniture on eBay goes for buttons so maybe it's not worth what you think 🤔

Ellisandra · 02/02/2020 23:25

Another one that would be really surprised if you got that kind of money for your second hand stuff. Not on the Facebook pages round my way! Of course she should still thank you - but I expect she thinks she’s doing you a favour as much as you are her, and probably thinks her thank you at the initial offer (was there one?) covers it..

FilledSoda · 02/02/2020 23:27

I guarantee she thinks she did you the favour.
How did you ask her if she would like it ?

Skittlesandbeer · 02/02/2020 23:50

I think it’s cheeky and rude. And don’t be surprised to find she’s sold bits of it online. That’ll be the next thing, you turning up to her housewarming and seeing none of it in her lounge!

I’ve had to distance myself from a couple of friends for similar over the years. It’s one thing to say ‘Oh, they just have different ways of being appreciative with favours done’ but I can equally say ‘Manners are manners, and sod them if they can’t pull out a basic thankyou!’

It’s not that they deserve public flogging, but I just won’t put myself out for them again. End of.

OP, check you aren’t just regretting being a (voluntary) people-pleaser. £1000 is a lot of ‘favour’ even between family members, surely? Don’t offer what is likely to cause you resentment down the track. Or put a (low) price on these things in the future, to turn the transaction into something more formal?

GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery · 03/02/2020 00:05

I would have bought you a bottle of wine, a bunch of flowers and a absolutely said thank you.

At the very least, she should have said thank you. YADNBU. Manners cost nothing.

Deadsouls · 03/02/2020 00:08

Why don't you just tell her that you feel hurt by her lack of thanks, and have a conversation about it?

Original poster

Surrey93 · 03/02/2020 07:47

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the replies

So she actually asked for the stuff. She knew we were redecorating and it came up that we wanted new furniture so would be selling the other stuff and she said she would want it if we didn’t manage to sell it.

You’re probably right that expecting £1000 for it all is optimistic ha but I think that’s what we were hoping for because it was all really expensive when we got it!! I’m sure we would have been brought back down to earth when we advertised it!! I had just seen some not as nice sofas on FB market place for about £500 so figured we might get the same.

But either way, she definitely didn’t take it off our hands because I even text her when we were arranging for her to collect to say that I wouldn’t be offended if she would rather buy new stuff for her first house but she said she would actually rather have our stuff because she wouldn’t be able to afford as nice furniture.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2020 07:51

Yep I would expect a bottle of wine/chocolates/flowers plus card at least for that amount of stuff

SunOnAll · 03/02/2020 07:53

Incredibly rude! What a cow not even to say thank you, she knows it's quality furniture and she asked for it. A card and bottle of wine would be easy to sort and show her gratitude.

Don't give her anything else!

OwlBeThere · 03/02/2020 07:57

Did she say thank you when you offered it to her? If so then I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You don’t give things to get praise for it. Give willingly or don’t give at all.

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