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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to husband's step dad's funeral?

28 replies

Orangesandbananas · 02/02/2020 17:40

  • Husband didn't like his step dad, he beat him when he was a kid
  • Me and our DCs not close to this man either and hardly saw him

WIBU not to go to his funeral? It'd mean a very long drive to Scotland, time off work and school etc.

This is just for me and DCs - husband will go.

OP posts:
SpeedofaSloth · 02/02/2020 17:41

Does your DH want you there?

recrudescence · 02/02/2020 17:42

I think the only reason to go in these circumstances would be to support your husband. Doesn’t sound like he needs it.

Upsiedasie · 02/02/2020 17:43

Depends if your husband needs the emotional support- it’s him you’d be going for.

Elouera · 02/02/2020 17:46

I'd go to help support the other family that would be going, not to 'honour' the step father in any way.

Purpleartichoke · 02/02/2020 17:48

It all comes down to if he needs you there. If he does, then go.

I’ve attended more than one funeral that wasn’t really for me. I attended to support a friend or family member or my husband. Your simple presence can make a big difference.

But, he might be able to grieve better knowing his kids are home with their mother.

So really, it’s all about what he needs and nothing to do with your relationship to the deceased.

MrsAJ27 · 02/02/2020 17:51

If your husband needs you, then you should go.

Original poster
Orangesandbananas · 02/02/2020 17:59

He's said he doesn't need me for emotional support, but thinks it's weird and 'makes a statement' if we don't go.

He thinks it's just what you do, go to a family member's funeral. I find it confusing because he's never liked the man. He says it's to show solidarity with his mum - who is lovely - but I think there are other ways to show solidarity e.g. send flowers and nice messages.

Sorry probably should have said that in my OP.

OP posts:
Misandra · 02/02/2020 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purpleartichoke · 02/02/2020 18:03

Then you are going for his mother. Flowers are not the same thing. Make the trip.

ddl1 · 02/02/2020 18:03

I don't think you're required to go to his funeral, no. If your dh wants you there to support him, then perhaps you should make the effort for his sake. If not, then I don't see any reason why you need to go!

TipseyTorvey · 02/02/2020 18:09

How old are your DC? Personally I think it sounds like a monumental effort for someone you didn't like and who, frankly, doesn't sound like he deserves to be honoured. If your DH doesn't need you I would just send a nicely worded card to his mother.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 18:11

This man beat your husband? Did his mum not intervene?

Hotseat · 02/02/2020 18:17

What about support for dh and mil?

CalmdownJanet · 02/02/2020 18:21

Your husband is right. Assuming they are still together you go to pay your respects to your mil, anything else is just odd and no flowers won't cut it

Marlouse · 02/02/2020 18:26

I totally agree with your husband. It’s what you do, you go to the funeral of a family member. Even more so if the widow is your mil and she is lovely.

Tbh, me & dc will go to any funeral if my dh would want us to be there.
He wouldn’t even have to have a ‘valid’ reason. If one of us wants the other ones there, then we’re there. Doesn’t matter if it’s inconvenient or not.

Bluetrews25 · 02/02/2020 18:27

Can the DCs stay with anyone? Or someone move in for a couple of days?
I would not go for FIL.
But I would go to support MIL. If DCs could stay at home.

chinam · 02/02/2020 18:29

YABU, your husband wants you there. You need to go.

Kanga83 · 02/02/2020 18:32

I would go for your husband, you never know what may be said to him on the day and whether he finds it hard to contain himself considering the past. I wouldn't shed a tear though and I wouldn't take the kids. If he's adamant he doesn't want you there that's a different thing, but if indifferent it might make it easier for him. He'll be surrounded with mourners whilst his anger about the past probably rises in him.

RaininSummer · 02/02/2020 18:37

Why is your husband going if this man was so vile?

KarmaStar · 02/02/2020 18:37

You should go for your dh and his mum.this is about them,not the inconvenience to you op.your dh will be glad you are by his side ,there could be all sorts of emotions coming out when he actually attends the funeral.go with him.

TheWernethWife · 02/02/2020 18:39

OP doesn't NEED to go. I won't be going to my partners step fathers funeral. Always been treated differently from his DILs (eg birthdays) , my MIL thinks the sun shines out of his backside so goes along with it.

Ghastly man.

handbagsatdawn33 · 02/02/2020 18:56

I think it's very hypocritical to go to the funeral of someone you didn't either know and/or like.
DH will have others there to "support" him, it certainly doesn't warrant the time off work & especially school to say goodbye to a violent bully.

3teens · 02/02/2020 19:12

Why does he want to go if he had a terrible relationship with him? My DF refused to attend my GM funeral (we didn't go either) and there have been no regrets.
If there's no relationship in life, there needn't be one in death.

icannotremember · 02/02/2020 19:16

Yanbu, but I would go if that's what he wanted.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/02/2020 19:18

For me it would depend on the ages of the children and the situation with work. Will it cause problems later in the year if you use annual leave to go? Or would you be able to use compassionate leave for this? Would the children be affected/would you be fined because of missing school, or would you get permission?

Also, how would they feel about attending a funeral for someone they didn't really know? All of mine would be violently ill if they have to be in a car for so long (and they are used to the roads in the Highlands) so I wouldn't want to make the journey with them unless I really had to.

If you don't go, would MIL understand? I think that most people would, if you explained the problem to them and made it about school or work rather than not liking/knowing her husband. I live in a fairly (okay, very!) remote corner of Scotland and it would be totally normal for the whole family to not attend because of school or work, given the length of the journey. People would notice if your husband didn't go, but your absence wouldn't cause comment really.