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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU drinking gran and childcare

51 replies

iamsmaller1 · 02/02/2020 16:32

This is a genuine ask as I think I know what the answer is but whenever I talk to people it's tricky.
I'm a long time lurker first time poster so be kind if I haven't quite got the lingo right!
I have two DD, one 7 and one 4. My mum thier grandma does not provide essential child care, but often has them to stay in holidays and half terms for 3 or 4 days. She is very fond of her grandchildren particularly the elder one if she favours a little bit (this worries me when they stay because it's fairly obvious but isn't my main issue.)
My main worry is the amount that she drinks. At the moment she is drinking three quarters of a bottle of wine a day in the evening, and if I ever try and talk to her about it she simply says it's not a problem, makes light of it or says that it wasn't a problem in her day, starts talking about the nanny state etc.. the main thrust is she has no intention of stopping doing this anytime soon. She's in her late 60s and is becoming less able to manage this I think. I've had instances where she's left medication out on the bed and didn't know about it she says this is just getting forgetful but I'm not sure whether it's the drinking. So this is my question do I let the girls carry on going to stay with her for 3 or 4 day. She says she loves it but it tires her out, wheras I think actually the fact that she drinks so much tires her out. We have historically difficult relationship (she was very young mum and fairly absent/irresponsible and again pretty much denies if you ever talk to her about it, or gets really upset and says I'm an awful person and then you end up trying to look after her) One thing that has helped us mend things a bit has been the grandchildren so I really don't want to cause difficulty but neither do I want to put my children in danger so a.. I being unreasonable to say that they can't stay if she is drinking this much? I should also mention she lives with my stepdad so she's not alone looking after them.. he also drinks about the same. They do seem to function during the day and do a lot and maybe I am old fashioned because I don't really drink but I just don't know how you manage to look after children and drink this much

OP posts:
Thingywhatsit · 02/02/2020 16:40

Your duty as a mother is to protect your children.

The fact that you are posting on here means you have some concerns that their grandparents have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. And in turn may not be providing your children with a safe environment.

Therefore YANBU.

I don’t know the solutions- but I would not allow the overnight contact if I were in a similar situation

Urkiddingright · 02/02/2020 16:46

Many parents drink wine in the evening all across the world and whether they like to admit it or not, it probably does often exceed the recommended limit. If your Mum is absolutely wasted after the wine then you have a point but if she’s just a little merry (which she should be tbh if she’s eating alongside it) then it’s not a huge issue.

WhyNotMe40 · 02/02/2020 16:47

Personally I would not allow my children to stay overnight if the carers were drinking in the evenings. If as you say they are fine during the day, maybe just daytime, but I would keep an eye on it as drinking can go from manageable to unmanageable very quickly.

BillieEilish · 02/02/2020 16:49

What is the issue? Don't have them stay overnight anywhere you are not happy with.

Your DM can drink 3/4 bottle of wine in the evening if she wishes.

3 or 4 days seems a lot TBH. A night here and there at Grandma's is normal/if you need helping out as a babysitter etc.

You don't sound like you trust, like or appreciate her help TBH, so don't take it.

PotteringAlong · 02/02/2020 16:52

I had half a bottle of wine last night and my children were in bed and just fine. But I don’t do that every night. If you’re not happy with it then don’t let them stop, but 2 large glasses of wine when they’re in bed does not an incapable carer make.

Delatron · 02/02/2020 17:01

So you never drink when your children are at home? I’m guessing you don’t therefore you have a slightly different view on what is normal. Many parents would drink this of an evening. They are perfectly capable of being in charge of (sleeping) children.

I think YABU. Your mum clearly is used to drinking 3/4 of a bottle and therefore is probably only slightly merry after that.
She’s more than capable of babysitting on that amount of alcohol.

If I refused to let my kids stay over at their grandparents if they had a few drinks they’d never be there.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 02/02/2020 17:11

I think the Boomer generation came of age boozing. Wine every night is quite common in most middle class homes of that generation. Often they have been doing it so long that it does not affect them in the same way as it would you, though it may shorten their lives. I would not be too concerned, but would talk about a safe place for medication and general household safety. But if the kids love their Gran, then that is precious in their lives.

Original poster
iamsmaller1 · 02/02/2020 17:28

Thanks for all the comments. I am genuinely interested to hear them as I know my not drinking really is more unusual and might colour my thoughts ( certainly colours my idea about how much you can drink and function!)
My mum I should mention live a bit away hence the three days in the holidays. Yes babysitting now and then works be easier but it's hard to do with distance so a few days works
@BillieEilish you're right I don't trust my mum and I do feel bad about that. Often feel like I'm the boring grown up one and she's more rebellious! Our relationship is tricky but I don't want that to colour how she gets on with the girls who love the time with her. She lives in an amazing place also so they get to do fun things they can't do in a more urban place
It's not a matter of appreciating the help.. I take them over for her mostly. We get a few days free yes but I don't mind having them either of our doesn't happen.
Really it's about the is it safe thing?

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/02/2020 17:54

She can't have been that young a mum if she is late 60s and your kids are only 4 &7.

As pp have said it's not unusual to have a couple of glasses of wine of an evening. However I wouldn't do it regularly if looking after someone else's kids rather than my own. If it bothers you certainly don't leave your girls there of an evening when you know she drinks, and perhaps generally reduce your reliance on her for childcare

Dozer · 02/02/2020 17:56

Sounds like she has an alcohol problem. If so then cutting down may not help, so unfortunately she is not suitable to have sole charge of the DC.

I have been through similar with fallout because close family members were/are in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt): the fallout isn’t, however, as bad as the risks to the DC would have been. DCs’ safety and wellbeing are much more important than the drinker’s or others’ feelings.

Delatron · 02/02/2020 17:57

I think it’s sad they wouldn’t see their gran as much just because she drinks wine in the evening. It would affect their relationship.

My parents sometimes drink more than that when babysitting and I don’t bat an eyelid. What is going to happen when they’re tucked up asleep in bed?

Dozer · 02/02/2020 17:59

“ Our relationship is tricky but I don't want that to colour how she gets on with the girls”

Your relationship being tricky another reason to have strong boundaries with respect to her time with your DC. Especially if the relationship is tricky because she was less than ideal as a parent.

Dozer · 02/02/2020 18:02

So no, your DC should not stay with her for several days / nights without you being present.

Suggest the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board if you’ve not already seen them.

olivesnutsandcheese · 02/02/2020 18:07

It doesn't sound a crazy amount of alcohol if she's used to it. More than the guidelines for sure but as others have said, it's not unusual for her generation. If she was drinking in the day time then this would raise a big red flag, but when they've gone to bed? Really don't see the issue. Let your children enjoy their time with their DGM

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/02/2020 18:08

Wine every night is quite common in most middle class homes of that generation Only because we couldn't afford it when we were young.

Leaannb · 02/02/2020 18:31

its not safe. Having a bunch of drunks looking after your kids isn't safe. a lot of things can happen even after night time.

One thing that has helped us mend things a bit has been the grandchildren

I find this completely abhorrent. It wasn't your children's job to repair the relationship. And its still not their job to keep it running smoothly

Leaannb · 02/02/2020 18:34

@Delatron roll out of their bed and break a bone for one. Acute appendicitisfor another. How are drunk people suppose to keep children safe? How are they suppose to get help for young children when they are blitzed

Delatron · 02/02/2020 18:38

Oh here we go. ‘Roll out of bed and break a bone ‘😂. Brilliant. I’m sure she’s capable of ringing an ambulance/taxi if that unlikely scenario (which I’ve never heard happen to anyone) actually happens.

But let’s stop the children seeing the ‘bunch of drunks’ grandparents because they drink 3/4 bottle of wine...

Delatron · 02/02/2020 18:40

Many people would not be drunk after that much wine. Especially if drunk slowly over a few hours with food. You’re acting like they are nailing a bottle of vodka.

Skala123 · 02/02/2020 18:44

@Delatron I'm totally with you. Ridiculous scare mongering. The OP has never mentioned anyone being drunk, just that they drink.

And grandchildren helping to mend a previously tricky relationship is far from abhorrent, it's wonderful as they are clearly loving their relationship with grandma.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/02/2020 18:46

I wouldn’t let mine be looked after by someone who was drinking regardless of the amount. Never been a problem though as they don’t stay elsewhere unless a school trip and teachers obviously wouldn’t be drinking.

YummyChipCurryDip · 02/02/2020 18:54

unless a school trip and teachers obviously wouldn’t be drinking

Heh :)

Delatron · 02/02/2020 18:57

Yes @Skala123. Agree the relationship with the grandparents is more important.

Unfortunately the ‘thimbleful of sherry’ at Christmas have piled on to the thread. Shock horror if anyone has so much as a glass of wine whilst the kids are tucked up in bed. Ridiculous and doesn’t reflect reality. Fine if you’re teetotal but many parents/grandparents aren’t. Should they just not have a drink for 18 years?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/02/2020 18:58

Teachers do drink on school trips.

I think I would be ok with this. If its every night she will be used to it, she will be slightly tipsy at worst.

If she was getting through loads and was wasted and out of control then yes that would be dangerous, but I think someone who may be slightly tipsy would still be able to call an ambulance or look after a vomiting child

Dozer · 02/02/2020 19:04

6 units of alcohol most days is not a “thimbleful of sherry”. Especially when in sole charge of DC.