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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU drinking gran and childcare

51 replies

iamsmaller1 · 02/02/2020 16:32

This is a genuine ask as I think I know what the answer is but whenever I talk to people it's tricky.
I'm a long time lurker first time poster so be kind if I haven't quite got the lingo right!
I have two DD, one 7 and one 4. My mum thier grandma does not provide essential child care, but often has them to stay in holidays and half terms for 3 or 4 days. She is very fond of her grandchildren particularly the elder one if she favours a little bit (this worries me when they stay because it's fairly obvious but isn't my main issue.)
My main worry is the amount that she drinks. At the moment she is drinking three quarters of a bottle of wine a day in the evening, and if I ever try and talk to her about it she simply says it's not a problem, makes light of it or says that it wasn't a problem in her day, starts talking about the nanny state etc.. the main thrust is she has no intention of stopping doing this anytime soon. She's in her late 60s and is becoming less able to manage this I think. I've had instances where she's left medication out on the bed and didn't know about it she says this is just getting forgetful but I'm not sure whether it's the drinking. So this is my question do I let the girls carry on going to stay with her for 3 or 4 day. She says she loves it but it tires her out, wheras I think actually the fact that she drinks so much tires her out. We have historically difficult relationship (she was very young mum and fairly absent/irresponsible and again pretty much denies if you ever talk to her about it, or gets really upset and says I'm an awful person and then you end up trying to look after her) One thing that has helped us mend things a bit has been the grandchildren so I really don't want to cause difficulty but neither do I want to put my children in danger so a.. I being unreasonable to say that they can't stay if she is drinking this much? I should also mention she lives with my stepdad so she's not alone looking after them.. he also drinks about the same. They do seem to function during the day and do a lot and maybe I am old fashioned because I don't really drink but I just don't know how you manage to look after children and drink this much

OP posts:
eveoha · 02/02/2020 19:08

Woman will be in an ‘altered state of consciousness’ - exactly same physiological effect as narcotics

helpfulperson · 02/02/2020 19:21

'teachers won't be drinking' - Ha! after looking after 30 children it's unlikely none of the teachers will have a drink. They will doubtless have a rota of those 'in charge' but I'd be surprised if not drink is taken by any of them.

Monkeynuts18 · 02/02/2020 19:26

My dad has alcohol issues so I may be allowing my personal experience to colour my view but I don’t think I’d be happy with someone taking care of my child drinking the best part of a bottle of wine. I know we all process alcohol differently but more than half a bottle is when my dad really loses all judgment - and I definitely do - I’d be really drunk if I’d had nearly a whole bottle.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to say the girls can’t stay if they’re drinking that much. Ultimately they are your daughters and you have to feel comfortable!

Spied · 02/02/2020 19:34

I'd be thinking they drink more than 3/4 of a bottle a night each.
What do the do with the other1/4?
My guess is drink it.
I'd be visiting but not leaving DC overnight without me.
I say this as a recovered alcoholic.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 02/02/2020 19:49

I think the issue here is that 3 or 4 nights is very tiring to have the children. It is. How are you measuring how many glasses of wine she has each night?. All sounds a bit judgy to me. All the talk of " I wouldnt allow" Mostly grandparents are doing you a favour

Original poster
iamsmaller1 · 02/02/2020 20:04

With the drinking I know how much she drinks as she stays at ours often and is open about how much she drinks when here... Thinks that she is doing well as she doesn't 'finish the bottle'. They drink 3/4 bottle each also not between them.
I am the youngest of her kids and had children very late (40s), to answer how she was a young mum.
It's interesting with comments as they mirror the internal debate I have...
Don't be so uptight Vs but if something did happen I would never forgive myself for saying it's ok... I feel it's a bit impossible.

OP posts:
Dozer · 02/02/2020 20:32

Not impossible, if you listen to your instincts and prioritise those/the DC over your mother’s feelings.

Bluetrews25 · 02/02/2020 21:14

Sure, they are capable of looking after DCs asleep in bed, (which is a bit like leaving them home alone, surely? - they'll be fine as long as they stay asleep) if you don't mind her leaving meds out and maybe forgetting other things, but it's the unexpected stuff that they may not even hear or be in a fit cognitive state to respond to - a nightmare, a wet bed, a vomit, a coughing fit.
Who does this when minding someone else's DCs?
Look after your DCs and keep them safe.

MIL came to babysit our DCs for the first time when they were about 6 and 3. When we arrived home, she was off her face on booze she had smuggled in. She never babysat again. Died of cirrhosis some years later.

Bibijayne · 02/02/2020 21:24

I'm not sure if it is the drinking, so much as general concerns and strains in your relationship that seems to be the crux of the issue. DH and I rarely drink, and subsequently 3/4 of a bottle lays me out totally flat. But I know plenty of people who, while over the limit to drive, will not be incapable after that amount.

Is it her drinking or her behaviour in general that is the concern? Would it work better to do shorter trips (2 nights?) So she doesn't say she's exhausted. See if the issue continues? A watching brief as it were.

Obviously, if you are genuinely concerned and worried about the safety of your children, you need to prioritize that. But if this is more about general discomfort and your own strained relationship, it may be worth finding a compromise.

The most concerning thing for me would be obvious favouritism at this age. I think that's something you do need to tackle, but may also be minimised by shorter visits anyway.

Rosebel · 02/02/2020 22:03

That wouldn't bother me. My mum often has 1/2 a bottle of wine and my children stay over. It's never been a problem. I usually drink in the evening too (not while I'm pregnant) and my children are still here.
As long as your mum is capable by the morning which it sounds like she is I'd have no problem. And I'm sure she could cope with ringing an ambulance if one of the children got ill

BillieEilish · 03/02/2020 11:08

It's really very simple and you do not need to discuss your Dmum's drinking preferences online to strangers, it's just plain unpleasant of you.

You don't like her choices? Don't accept childcare, not even for a second. End of.

Just visit in the day if you don't trust her.

Beamur · 03/02/2020 11:15

She probably doesn't feel drunk, therefore to her, it's not a problem.
But it probably is affecting her judgement and speed of reaction. Leaving medication out for example, is a worry.
I don't think you'll get far challenging her about the drinking but it's up to you to decide if the risks are worth the benefits.
I think I would be less concerned if the children were older.

Drabarni · 03/02/2020 11:19

Holiday club is the way forward, no alcohol or prescribed medication will be there.

AmazingGreats · 03/02/2020 11:20

I think the issue is that you already barely trust her, and therefore any level of inebriation she might have from the wine makes you feel entirely anxious about her abilities to look after the children and be capable of coping with any emergencies. Honestly, it will impair her. She might not feel or seen impaired, but it will slow her reactions and change her abilities. Things will be missed. That's why we have the drink drive limit.

Bat3 · 03/02/2020 11:27

I understand your dilemma. It’s a tricky situation. I was ok with my in-laws babysitting if they’d had a drink or 2, (less than a bottle) in an evening, but not now they drink during the day. Last time I picked my children up, they were drinking at 1pm! I just won’t ask them again.

They don’t think they have a problem with alcohol, just like to have fun and relax. 🙄

BillieEilish · 03/02/2020 11:44

You seem to feel you are doing her a favour. You're not. She is doing YOU a favour.

3 or 4 night here in holidays and half terms? Such utter luxury.

Honestly, I would of course look after my nephew (4) in an emergency for that length of time. I am 49 with a DD (11) but not more than an emergency.

But 2 DC's under 7? You'd be bringing me the wine and saying thankyou very much indeed. Not worrying if my tiredness was because of drinking.

How insulting.

Jeez.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 03/02/2020 11:48

I think some women get extra judgy with their mums but still expect massive favours from them.

Original poster
iamsmaller1 · 03/02/2020 13:31

I don't ask my mum for any favours. Never have and wouldn't.. I have suggested less days but she gets upset about this. Yes I am aware I might be a bit judgy about the drinking.. Hence the thread

OP posts:
Bibidy · 03/02/2020 13:51

I don't think that's a worrying amount to drink really. It's about 3 glasses of wine, which if you've been drinking it for many years won't do much.

It's completely up to you though, if you genuinely feel concerned then don't let them stay anymore. But I'd say on the whole your kids are safe.

Herringbone31 · 03/02/2020 14:02

@Delatron. I’m 100% teetotal. Have never had a drink with my kids ever in the house. Not even once. Not even a small glass of wine

There are some of us...

raspberryk · 03/02/2020 14:03

My Gran has my kids sometimes, recently while I was ill she had them for a few weeks with a break at the weekend and I bought her a bottle of Gin and a crate of tonic. I'd be horrified if she didn't need the drink, not horrified she had the alcohol.

Also what's wrong with having a drink in the day? What's the difference between having a glass or two at lunchtime compared to after dinner? Makes absolutely no sense.

liviadrusilla · 03/02/2020 14:25

I wouldn't be happy with this - fine to have a glass of wine but 3/4 of a bottle is a lot. Most of the time it would be absolutely fine but the 'what if' would haunt me. Are you near enough to be there in an emergency? I wouldn't let them stay for 3/4 nights. If she really wants them to stay she should be able to moderate her drinking, if she can't/won't stick to shorter visits or stay there with them.

Delatron · 03/02/2020 15:42

@Herringbone31 Well done! Do you want a medal?

There is nothing wrong with moderate drinking. In fact moderate drinkers live longer than teetotallers (for whatever reason, maybe they’re less uptight?).

Some people don’t drink and are therefore horrified when others have 1/2- 3/4 bottle of wine at night when the kids are in bed. Millions of parents and grandparents will do this. There’s noting wrong with it. If the OP doesn’t like this then fine, stop the GP from having the kids over. She’s doing you a favour. But let’s not act like this doesn’t happen in many households.

Dozer · 03/02/2020 16:56

6 units most nights isn’t “moderate drinking”.

Dozer · 03/02/2020 16:57

OP’s mum isn’t doing OP a favour in this case, she wants to see her GC, seemingly without OP being there, and OP has facilitated this in the past but now has misgivings.