Re housework and manners?

[Keeva2017]

Context
I’m on mat leave with second baby now 10 weeks and also have dd age 3. Dp left for work today at 1 and will finish at midnight. Prior to maternity leave I worked full time (as does dp) and will be returning full time. Just for Info.

To the issue. Both of us downstairs, whilst dp was getting ready for work, pottering around, I was sorting clothes that I had washed, folded packed and unpacked (literally just moved house a few days ago). I put them in a pile and said “don’t forget to take these clothes up with you when you go upstairs”. He replied with “a please would be nice”

There was no thanks for my effort into doing his washing and unpacking btw. Manners are important but in this case it wound me up because it felt as though he viewed it as doing me a favour?

I know this is ridiculously minor but it’s just bugging me and maybe I was unreasonable not to say please? Collective wisdom please so either way I can stop annoying myself with it!

Thanks

Maybe it's time for him to do his own washing?

YANBU op, he clearly thinks he's doing you a favour! Time for a change up I think.

It would annoy me too.

Asking you to say please implies that he is doing you a favour rather than a chore that Benidorm both of you

Benidorm!! Benefits

The reply is ‘Don’t you mean Thank you for gliding my washing?

Folding

Stop doing his washing.

Thanks guys. And yes give or take that was my reply. He didn’t say anything to that but I could tell he thought I was being unreasonable which wound me up more!

I know it’s a small thing but we have been working through bigger issues and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t looking for things that annoyed me if that makes sense.

My DH used to tell people how he would bring me a cup of tea in bed in the morning and how lucky I was. He stopped telling people when I pointed out he was doing it in the clothes I washed and ironed using the kitchen I cleaned and the tea I bought! Appreciation works both ways!

Also at this stage post partum everything he did irritated me but it didn't last just in case that's a factor x

If you say please and thank you, your DC will follow suit, so he had a point, but he could have said thanks.

Maybe you should speak to him politely instead of barking orders? He probably doesn’t mind the task but does mind being spoken to like a chump

Depends how you said it, I think. If you basically told him to do it (like you might a child), then I might well have reacted how DP did!

I think mat leave fucks up dynamics in a lot of cases. Men get used to their wives doing everything.

The solution? Do less. Do far, far less. Become incompetent at stuff.

There probably is some merit in this - I was not rude or barking orders in anyway but it was the 3rd time I had said it - he had been upstairs a couple of times and not taken them and was about to go to get ready ie. last chance before having to make a special trip. Perhaps there was some annoyance in my voice. Unsure but it gives me his perspective so thanks.

Maybe you should speak to him politely instead of barking orders?

Where do you get that she barked it at him?

It's bad manners to use manners like this. If you have good manners you're not looking to pull people up like that. Pretty sure me and dh don't say please and thank you all the time

Hmmm, I started to do less as people said it would mean he has to do it. Now we just live in a mess with socks in the floor. I do say please when I ask him to do something but I always feel “why should I have to ask or say please!”

You shoud both be saying please and thank you.

I think two of the PP on here are obviously men.
Go on strike.
Wash clothes for you and kids and cook for you and kids but not for him.
You're meant to be a team. You're not his slave while on maternity. On maternity I did less housework as dh did most as I was exhausted with kids.

Surely what you said was a reminder, not a request? (And therefore didn't require the addition of "please".)

Also you don't have to suck up, or be on best behaviour "Please can you do that for me etc" with partner. He's not your bloody boss. It's not a professional working bloody relationship.

DH, DS and I rarely say please when asking stuff like this

"Could you take that bin out"

"Grab those socks and put them away while you're heading upstairs"

"Can you get the salt and pepper out"

"Will someone set the table"

DS shouted upstairs earlier today "mum can you bring that French book on my desk down with you".

It wouldn't occur to me to say a please wood ken nice. We all do things for each other.

Honestly if DH reply to "Grab those socks and put them away while you're heading upstairs" was "a please would be nice" I'd never ever sort a pair of his fucking socks ever again in my life!

If it’s symptomatic of a general lack of appreciation for your efforts then it’s worth addressing. Does depend on your tone though I think.

I’m on maternity leave and seem to now do all laundry which suits me fine as it’s always appreciated and it makes sense to get it done during the day when I’m here and he’s our, DH knows it’s me and not some magical laundry fairy responsible for his clean pants. There are plenty of jobs he does that I don’t, and I’m equally appreciative of that.

This. I don’t expect a thank you everytime I chuck a load in. Just like when I shout upstairs to him to grab the kids some socks on his way down I just don’t think to holla a please with it.

Think he was being a bit of a knob but as we are working through other things I need to mindful about my tone.

Thanks all.

What are these 'bigger issues' in the relationship? Let me guess . . .