To think there will always be a sadness there

stamping · 2020-02-02T11:10:37+00:00

No children. I haven’t totally given up hope but it’s a possibility it won’t ever happen. Does the sadness ever go?

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 11:12

I don’t know your circumstances but could you possibly not adopt? IVF? Foster? So sorry OP.

RedIsWhereItsAt · 02/02/2020 11:14

How old are you?

Original poster

stamping · 02/02/2020 11:14

IVF yes. It isn’t guaranteed, though.

Fostering and adoption - no. Wouldn’t be suitable. As adopters frequently remind you its about finding homes for children not children for parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

stamping · 02/02/2020 11:15

I’m 40.

OP posts:

SerenDippitty · 02/02/2020 11:16

I never had children. Tried IVF etc. It does get better, honestly.

bigchris · 02/02/2020 11:16

It doesn't go unless you put it into another direction in my experience
Like adoption or fostering

MermaidUnicorn · 02/02/2020 11:19

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't relate, but a close friend went through this - years of treatment with no baby at the end. It took her a long time (years) but I think she is over it a lot more than before and actually can bear to go to baby showers etc now. She threw herself into her work and doing up her beautiful house which I think really helped. Good luck

SerenDippitty · 02/02/2020 11:20

It doesn't go unless you put it into another direction in my experience flowers
Like adoption or fostering

Or a pet, or accepting life without children and doing the things that are easier because you don’t have children.

Besidesthepoint · 02/02/2020 11:28

Is adoption so easy and cheap in the UK? I always see it on here: "just adopt". In the Netherlands it is a very long, very expensive process and most people don't actually get to adopt a child because there are just a few to adopt.

Original poster

stamping · 02/02/2020 11:29

Same here besides but in any event we wouldn’t be suitable.

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Griefmonster · 02/02/2020 11:29

Dear@stamping - not my experience but one of a close friend. It is like grief (a loss of the life you won't have now) so you move forward with it and life will still bring wonder and joy. And the loss or gap will not always be so raw or hurtful but it is something that at times will bring sadness.

I have a core belief in life being about light and dark. You don't get one without the other. I think the more we really accept that, the better we can manage dissapointment, loss and grief.

Underhisi · 02/02/2020 11:31

I think it is one of those things in life where there may always be some sadness but that doesn't mean there cannot be happiness/fulfillment in other ways.

Although I do not speak from personal experience of that situation but from other life events which did not go as expected/ as they do for most people.

TheHouseWithTheBambooDoor · 02/02/2020 11:43

I had a bit of a crisis in late 20s / early 30s as it dawned on me that it was possible I wouldn’t meet someone and have kids. I remember feeling horrified and heartbroken that that version of life might not work out. I reconciled myself during that time to the possibility of it never happening. I’ve since met someone willing to have kids (although not insistent) and having seriously considered it, and probably having a more realistic/ less romantic idea of what it will/would involve, I’m no longer so certain that it’s something I want or need to do. So in my case, yes, the sadness went, and has stayed gone, despite the possibility now arising of actually trying for babies with a committed partner. I can see so many other, equally appealing possibilities for life.

joystir59 · 02/02/2020 11:49

I think it's about channelling parental love in other ways. Supporting nephews and nieces as they grew up helped me. I did go on to parent an older child in an unofficial way. Life takes you forward in unexpected ways if you keep your heart and mind open and use your pain. It won't make much sense right now, but give yourself time to grieve, and then start to look for new openings

Ikora · 02/02/2020 12:04

I know four women who wanted dc and circumstances meant they didn’t and we are all about 50 now. Two are my best mates from school, one is my ex work colleague and DS Godmother and one is SIL and also DS Godmother.

The first two have amazing careers one is a tearful type of person overall but incredibly sweet as a person. She does talk about it with sadness. The other just pretends it’s not an issue and is very closed and never brings it up. My friend from work travels a lot with her DH and is always doing something, she has put all her love in to him and is great with my DS her godson. My SIL became incredibly bitter and took it out on the rest of the world for quite a few years, she now has a lot of cats and treats them as her dc. It was like if she was suffering then everyone else had to.

People experience grief and loss in very different ways. Wishing you the best.

Fifthtimelucky · 02/02/2020 12:12

I'm so sorry you are in this position. I have a couple of very good friends who were unable to have a child despite several attempts at IVF. I know it took many years for them to come to terms with it, but they did. In some ways the IVF made things worse as it they kept having their hopes raised, only to face another disappointment. Once she had passed normal childbearing age I think she found it easier to accept.

I also know some single women (some, like me, in their late 50s but mainly the generation above) who would have loved to have had children but never married.

I hope it happens for you one day, OP.

Pineapples1980 · 02/02/2020 12:26

I’m in the same position as you OP. Not given up hope but worry that it might never happen and how I will reconcile that and what a future looks like with no children.

Streamside · 02/02/2020 12:39

Joystir is so correct about nurturing others. It's such a cruel world out there for so many children. I've taken children in from the Chernobyl project for the past 10 years. They arrive with the clothes they stand up in and come here for respite, to have medical checks etc. Most of the children I've had are living with and supported entirely by their grandmother's, one lived with a great grandmother. This year's children were sent home with enough clothes and school resources to last about two years. The level of contact or support you provide afterwards is up to you really. Some people visit and bring them back afterwards.
I'd recommend anyone with a few weeks leave to consider it.

Noooblerooble · 02/02/2020 12:48

Op have you come across Gateway Women? It helps a lot of people in your shoes.

I don’t know your circumstances but could you possibly not adopt? IVF? Foster?

Can we please, as a society, get to a point where we don't say stuff like this when people are talking about not being able to have children? It might be very well meant but it's rarely the right response. Adoption and fostering will have been considered already by 99% of people voicing these feelings and they definitely aren't right for everyone for very good reasons

MetallicPaints · 02/02/2020 12:51

@Streamside how amazing, what a wonderful thing to do

user1487194234 · 02/02/2020 12:52

Can we please, as a society, get to a point where we don't say stuff like this when people are talking about not being able to have children? It might be very well meant but it's rarely the right response. Adoption and fostering will have been considered already by 99% of people voicing these feelings and they definitely aren't right for everyone for very good reasons

This

cuckooken · 02/02/2020 12:57

I don’t know your circumstances but could you possibly not adopt? IVF? Foster?

Can we please, as a society, get to a point where we don't say stuff like this when people are talking about not being able to have children? It might be very well meant but it's rarely the right response. Adoption and fostering will have been considered already by 99% of people voicing these feelings and they definitely aren't right for everyone for very good reasons

I agree. It's really rude and assumes that you are so stupid not to have already thought of every single option. It's not a quick fix. It doesn't help.

Kit19 · 02/02/2020 12:58

Well said @Noooblerooble I’m infertile too and get so tired of the adoption thing like its something I’d never have heard of.

Anyway OP it does get easier with time but finding other ppl to talk to in the same position really helps. Gateway women is great, also the dovecote on Facebook too.

user1487194234 · 02/02/2020 13:02

I have experience of desperately wanting children,but as I was fortunate enough to go on to have children so I cannot really help from personal experience

From other people I think you first to get to the end of your journey and then have a time of grieving and reflection

I have a few friends in their 50s in that position,all but 1 seem to have come to terms with it,on the surface anyway,although I am sure they have their moments

hidinginthenightgarden · 02/02/2020 13:18

@Besidesthepoint adopting in the UK isn't easy but you don't "pay" for it. They will be costs incurred by attending training and assessments but there is no fee.
I often suggest adoption to people as having done it myself, I feel it is rewarding. It isn't without caution though. It is not an easy process and children do come with some trauma.