Does anyone else feel like an absolute loser all the time?

[ethelfleda]

I’m not quite as witty as everyone else. I’m not quite as intelligent as everyone else. If I try to be funny, it’s usually cringe inducing.
I work in a corporate environment- I’ve been there for about 12 months now and my previous job was 12 years in a very small, very informal environment.
Suddenly, I find myself surrounded by ‘professionals’ who seem to know exactly what they’re doing. They’re intellectual, they talk about my industry (that I thought I knew really well) and sometimes it’s as though they’re talking a foreign language. I almost always have a knot in my stomach these days going in to my office as I feel as though I embarrass myself on a daily basis. I come home and analyse everything I have said to everybody and mentally chastise myself for it.

Anyone else? I really feel like I don’t belong in this world. I don’t know why they even hired me!

I absolutely feel like this, OP. I dont work now but, when I did, I felt like I was useless, incompetent and would be caught out at any moment. It was like living on the edge all the time. I used to dread being asked a question and put on the spot.
I tried to overcome these feelings by remembering that I got through a tough interview to get the job and I also tried to list the positives I brought, like empathy etc. Like you, I did, and still do, beat myself up over things, even work mistakes I made 25 years ago! I cant go back and sort it, so I just try to change the subject in my head, maybe put music on and sing along. Anything to distract my mind.
I still sometimes feel inadequate socially. I'm not naturally witty or sharp, dont get jokes most if the time and feel I have little to contribute to the conversation. Haven't come up with any strategies for this yet. Hope other posters might have some ideas.
You're definitely not alone in feeling the way you do.

I've found you to be witty and interesting on here, and I'm sure you know your industry perfectly well, so I suspect you're overthinking thinks. It's easy to get caught up in yourself and over-analysing / overthinking events is a common type of anxiety. Perhaps your colleagues just use some different acronyms that you'll get used to in time. You have a toddler, so maybe sometimes you've been overtired too, as well as the hormone changes from stopping breastfeeding. It might be useful for you to look up some techniques for managing anxiety or talk to your GP about it. As for work, try to make just one friend; we all need somebody we can relax and be ourselves with.

Thank you for replying
Sometimes I don’t feel too bad but I seem to have a serious case of imposter syndrome at the moment

Mrex what a lovely thing to say. Thank you
And I will - I just need to get over this feeling of always wanting the ground to swallow me up!

When I was a little girl, my Nana bought me a ring and kissed it on my finger. She said whenever I felt nervous I could touch the ring and her love would be with me. It's just a cheap silver ring but I still have it and still fiddle with it on my finger when I'm nervous, it's a useful focal point that calms me. Could you do something similar with someone you love?

You are good enough. They hired you, they’ve kept you on. You are the one being hardest on yourself. Give yourself a break - talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone who confided the same feelings to you. Make a list of evidence that you deserve to be there (eg you know your industry). Try not to compare yourself to other people because you’re only seeing a tiny snapshot of them at work. The most confident colleague could be going home to a shitty marriage or sleeping in his car or on his last warning before he’s fired. You are good enough.

I worked my way up to a responsible position in a tough male dominated industry, I was there 18 years but left due to ill health. I look back now and think wow did I really do that? Sometimes I felt like I was out of my depth and convinced myself I was there in that position because they couldn’t find anyone else to do it. But on a trip away with my director and after a few drinks we were having a heart to heart and he said that my lack of confidence in myself made him sad and it was a good job he believed in me as I certainly didn’t. Whenever I feel my confidence drop I remember that. You need to do the same and remember you are there because at your interview they believe you could do that job over all the other candidates. As far as all the corporate waffle your colleagues come out with? They are desperately trying to fit in! They probably feel just like you do

I absolutely feel this but not in an imposter syndrome way. More what you were saying about people talking another language and being ‘professional’. What it seems to me though is people use an unnecessary number of acronyms and phrase things in an unnecessarily complicated way to sound clever. My boss does this all the time. Says a load of jargon which actually means very little and doesn’t have a point. I have taken to not worrying how I sound and after each meeting just saying “so what do you actually want me to do?” and not leaving it until I am clear what is expected of me and how I achieve it. You are not alone in feeling like this and many of your colleagues will no doubt be too.

Oh and my pet hate word of the moment is ‘diarise’ as on to put in diary

I’m a strong believer in everyone feeling a bit like this.

I’ve been promoted recently and I was having doubts about whether or not I was up to it. I talked to a few people who I’m close to at work and they seemed to have no doubts at all that I am up to it. Tbh this made me feel a bit worse.

Then I started to look closely at my peers and superiors at work and noticed that many of them make mistakes/aren’t up to certain aspects of their role and yet they persist in them.

I find that weirdly comforting tbh. We are all human, and can only do our best.

Yep this is absolutely me. I’m a lab technician, the only one, everyone else is a scientist or doctor or surgeon. I know I’m good at my job but I can barely hold a conversation with these people. I sound like the village idiot and find myself just laughing along a lot. I’m constantly cringing at my attempts to join in with the banter. I haven’t got a clue what they’re on about half the time. Put me with ‘my’ people and I’m a very normal human being-I’m chatty, funny, witty, can hold topical conversations. All that goes out of the window is he second I step into work.

I feel like this and I'm sure some of the "professionals" you work with do too.

IMHO anyone who never feels like this is probably a psychopath

I used to think similar things, felt everyone else in work was so much more capable. But eventually I realised that a lot of people talk in that way because they DON'T know.

I now refuse to engage with that rubbish, and ask them to say it in plain English. Most of them can't.

In the public sector it's considered a must for leaders to be able to communicate with a varied audience...and often the higher up the chain you go, the more simple you need to be (Minister's are NOT experts).

So call people out on it, and you'll probably see a lot of their bravado disappear!

You are there OP, you’ve earned the position and kept it. People around you may sound (to you) more intelligent, funnier, more educated...but in the end they are just people and your colleagues.

I am sure that you are your own biggest critic and the way you negatively replay things in your mind probably does not really match the reality. However, most of us have been there done that!

Try not to worry so much! Good luck OP!

I agree that a lot of people who use jargon use it to cover up what they don't know. The more you know, the more you spot these usually men, spouting off using large jargon words to hide that they are not saying anything remotely useful or profound.

Its hard, but having the confidence to say - what does that mean? shows it up.

I feel like this sometimes too though OP.

Moving from a small company environment to a corporate environment can be very difficult. Different language and terminology spouted by people who are probably the ones who really struggle to relate to what they actually mean.
Even blue sky thinking. Aargh.

Don't be confused into thinking they are more intelligent than you. Loads of corporate people don't have any idea what acronyms they spout really mean. They probably love having you there. You sound nice and normal.

The way you have written your post shows you are articulate and thoughtful. That said, maybe that scene isn't for you. I preferred working in a small to medium-sized company rather than in a global organisation. I liked being somewhere where I could make a difference.

I feel like Woody479 all the time.

Every interaction with people at work leaves me cringing & thinking “why did I say that?....why did I laugh too loud? ....they must think I’m an idiot”

I regularly drive home thinking I’m crap at my job & they think I’m useless. I’ve been there 5 years fgs & still can’t interact like a normal human being with them & constantly worry about my performance.

I had one job that made me feel like this in 20 years, and I quit and got a new job and felt so much better. Some company cultures are belittling and it can vary a lot even in the same industry.

You're clearly overthinking it, but are the folk with the 'amazing' industry knowledge similarly looking for validation? A new person unsettles the established hierarchy so perhaps they are feeling insecure too and a company with that much showboating I'd want to know why they're always on 'sell' mode.

You need to look into your post work calm down routine and steps for lessening the anxiety, that stress knot in your stomach isn't good for your health.

I feel like this often at work. I work in a small very specialised team with 2 others who do similar roles who are more experienced, confident( very dominant) and dynamic than me. In fact, we all 3 work quite differently.

My boss has said she appreciates my strengths and we couldn't work with 3 people working in the same style, there would be huge power clashes!

I now recognise I have specialities they don't ( and never will) and I bring a total different dynamic to the team. One which pulls the team together rather than leads it from the front and that's ok.

It still doesn't stop me having wobbles at times but the knowledge I am appreciated grounds me.

You are there for a reason - be kind to yourself and if you really hate that environment then look for a change.

Op - how do you know that your colleagues don't go home and feel the same way? How do you know they are not thinking, you know that ethelfleda really has her shit together and manages to do it without speaking gobbledegook or grandstanding?

I remember doing my finals at university and a swaggering patched- elbow tweed -jacket- wearing "classmate" told me how hard he had been working and (looking back) deliberately tried to make me feel worried and undermine my confidence. As a naieve 20 year old I fell hook line and sinker for his "act" and confident swagger. Let's just say that when the final results were published, there was quite a gap between our grades, and it wasn't me who got a third ... .

Yes! I've been feeling this more and more so lately!

Another one about to say that your post is witty, interesting and insightful! I found my confidence was low as a teen and increased to late 20’s, fell off in 30’s and jittered significantly in 40’s.

Just to add , if on the other hand , you genuinely think there is a bigger issue than self confidence and you think your colleagues are talking sense and seem to be much more knowledgeable and effective about their work - then maybe you need to ask management for more training? It's interesting that you are asking this question after a year in your new role when most people are getting to grips with a new job. How was your induction? Have you been thrown in to the lion's den without proper preparation, support and training? Could this be a poor management issue?

YANBU OP I fell like this a lot of the time.