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Original poster

Those of you who's partners have a business...

35 replies

MrAndMrsCBing · 01/02/2020 17:52

Do you feel lonely?

DH has been self employed for a while now and I can't really remember the last weekend we had where he wasn't working.

I don't say anything because I know he's stressed and just trying to get as much done as possible but I'm getting tired of spending my Saturdays alone and then just watching whatever I choose on telly in the evening because he's busy doing things on his phone when he gets back.

He says he feels bad about it. I'm not really sure there's an answer as he's really really busy and doesn't have much choice but to work as much as possible but it does upset me sometimes.

Is anyone else in this situation? I've spent all day today looking after his kids because he needed to get a job done. So I've sat in alone watching two kids play Xbox (love them to bits by the way but this is a regular occurrence) and he'll barely be 'here' when he gets home either.

He needs to go in tomorrow as well so I'm going to try and take the kids out somewhere but I just feel very lonely.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/02/2020 17:55

My partner doesn't have a business, but I do.

I try not to work weekends, as a rule... sometimes I'll have a bit to do. I also try to be done at a decent time in the evenings, so that we have that time together too. It took a LOT of organisation and thought, and I had to go back to planning my time better and making sure I was allocating time for everything I need to do, because otherwise there's always something else that has just popped up, and the to-do list never feels empty.

I check in with my fiancé every week or so too, to keep him up-to-date with any customers/meetings etc that might mean I have to work late at some points this week, and to check he's okay and not feeling neglected!

Can you talk to him? Small businesses are stressful, but one of the benefits is supposed to be freedom, not working yourself into an early grave. Is it a very new business?

Original poster
MrAndMrsCBing · 01/02/2020 17:58

Is it a very new business?

I suppose it is in the grand scheme of things. It's been coming up to 3 years now.

Don't get me wrong he does try. We are going away in the summer for a week which I know he's stressing about but he agreed to so I'm grateful for that. He's also worked over time one night last week so he could come to an appointment with me at the hospital so he does try for the important stuff.

It just gets me down sometimes. I work all week myself so we rarely get any quality time together anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrAndMrsCBing · 01/02/2020 18:00

I just feel like he's not present when he gets home. His mind is always on it or he's always on his computer just 'finishing up something'.

I feel like I can't even talk about anything/my day etc... Because he's just so far away in his mind that he's not really listening. I just feel like I'm talking to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrAndMrsCBing · 01/02/2020 18:01

The only company I really have sometimes is his kids. I would just like a bit of adult conversation sometimes where he's actually paying attention.

OP posts:
speakout · 01/02/2020 18:03

I have a business, I work 7 days a week, often just a few hours a day.
OH very often works weekends too, and on call,- and he travels a lot with work.

We don't spend a great deal of time together, but it is lovely when we do.

I adore my free time. Today I have been walking in the forest taking photographs, tomorrow I have a morning yoga and meditation workshop. I can't wait!!

Invest in yourself OP.

speakout · 01/02/2020 18:04

OK just read your update- you look after his kids OP?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/02/2020 18:05

I know it's going to sound drastic (and I don't mean it to) but what are you actually getting from the relationship? He's spent three years investing all of his time and energy into this business, what's he giving you?

DH owns a company and is often "on". We've got very different attitudes to work and have both had to learn to accommodate one another's needs to ensure we're both getting what we want and need. If your DP isn't willing to accommodate you in any way, I don't see why you'd want to remain part of that relationship; it's only a team if everyone in it is working in the same direction.

Original poster
MrAndMrsCBing · 01/02/2020 18:05

you look after his kids OP? Yes I do quite often on a weekend as both their parents are working.

He says they can go with him to work but I know they hate doing that so they stay with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrAndMrsCBing · 01/02/2020 18:07

Fudge, I do get what you're saying. I think because I've not actually said anything to him that it would be wrong of me to just dump this all now. Like he does ask me if I'm okay and I say I am because I don't want him to feel guilty. He's worked so hard to get where he is and I'm proud of what he's built so I don't want him to feel like it's me or that iyswim.

I just wish occasionally we could have some time.

OP posts:
LisBethSalander07 · 01/02/2020 18:09

Yep. DH runs his own business. I've always come second. But I'm OK with that because I'm fairly independent, and to be fair, DH doesn't bring work home so he's present when he's here. It was hard when our DC were young, and we did split for nearly a year at one point because I just felt like I was a single parent without any of the advantages. We both learned alot about giving each other more attention and more support during that time.

It's not easy. It can be very easy to feel used and taken for granted at times. I didn't mind so much with our own DC but I don't know how I'd feel about looking after someone elses while they were focused on work....... there are some things that money can't make up for, and time with his kids or you isn't something he should be sacrificing regularly.

Flowers
Insideimsprinting · 01/02/2020 18:11

Both my husband and I run a business. We started it 10yrs ago 2 weeks before my second was born.
We worked together and yet it was still lonely and isolating. He worked 13 hrs a day 5 days a week I did the weekends. This continued for 7 yrs before we felt ready to commit to staff. Another 2 before we started really benefiting from family time.

I have hated it, wish we hadn't started it. I resent that my staff have more rights to me and my family, resent I have covered their illness whilst I've also been sick or had kids in tow.
We have been successful with the business but the shit you have to deal with and the sacrifices we have made I don't think it was worth it, i would rather have stayed in a low paid job and had a quality family life and employment rights.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/02/2020 18:14

Your relationship doesn't sound great to be honest Sad. I mean, what time do you spend with him?

Why is it worth it? What are you enjoying about this relationship?

Sounds like he gives nothing to his kids either.

I think it is time for you to tell him what it's like for you. He will just carry on until you challenge him about it.

Just because he is working hard, doesn't mean he's not being very, very selfish.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 01/02/2020 18:14

DH and I both have our own businesses, mine 5 years old, his 12 years old.

The first 2-3 years were hard for both of us, always on the phone, always 'available' to clients, always working. I remember one holiday where DH's blackberry phone featured in every single photograph Hmm, but then the business hopefully gets to the point about 3 years in where it stabilises and you start to be able to 'protect' your free time/down time a lot more.

How long has he been established? Is he making a living from it? What are his plans for the future?

The thing that struck me about your post is that you're minding his children to enable him to work. I'll be honest, there were times when DS was younger that I felt pretty fucking resentful about DH putting his all into his business leaving us with the dregs and we came so close to splitting up.

I think it's time for a frank discussion with him about free time and putting some effort and energy into the relationship, not just with you bit with his own kids.

Mummynet101 · 01/02/2020 18:14

So you are just free childcare basically.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/02/2020 18:18

If you've never had the conversation, you're going to have to have it soon. He might assume because you've said nothing, he might not have even thought how you feel, he might be so wrapped up in his business that it's not occurred to him to offer you some more of himself. Whatever the reason, you need to explain to him how you're feeling and set some boundaries in place. DH and I have always been very direct with one another; we take lovely holidays and travel often with the DC; we hired a boat and went around the Greek islands one summer and while the DC and I snorkelled DH was sat on deck having a VERY IMPORTANT call about something to do with work; the whole holiday seemed to be one long VERY IMPORTANT call and it was at that point that I realised I had to say to him that when he was home with us, he had to be present and not give us half of his energy and attention. I think he's meowing as he's getting older, and he's had moments where he's begun to realise that the DC are only small for a very short time. It's compromise for us; he is 100% focussed on work during set hours and then when it's time to switch off, he does.

It's not easy to be second place; it's not easy to never get the full "them". And only you can choose if what you've got at the minute is enough.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 01/02/2020 18:19

Hah he's mellowing, not meowing!

ilovesooty · 01/02/2020 18:19

If you say you're ok he isn't going to know how you really feel.

user1497787065 · 01/02/2020 18:21

That's just the way it is for us too. My husband has a business, works every Saturday until about 1.30pm. Sometimes will
Go in for a couple of hours or so on a Sunday. Holidays are usually four to five days, sometimes once, sometimes twice a year. You do become used to it. It is just not possible to book four or five weeks off like when one is employed.

ooooohbetty · 01/02/2020 18:22

My first husband had his own business and worked 6.5 days a week and they were long days. I never resented him working because I knew he had to to do it to pay the bills. What I did resent was what he did when he wasn't working which is why he is my ex husband.

mindutopia · 01/02/2020 18:26

No, having a business doesn’t mean you have to give up your work-life balance. The early years can be intense, but you have to develop healthy boundaries. Dh is home more than I am (despite having a very successful business that turns over quite a lot). He does the school runs 3 days a week and is home by 3 those days. It’s me who doesn’t walk in the door til 7-8pm several days a week! He might return a couple emails at the weekend, but with the exception of about 6-8 weekends a year when he has events to attend, he doesn’t work on the weekend.

But our approach has always been what’s the point of being self employed if you don’t have more flexibility and better quality of life than working for someone else?

OhioOhioOhio · 01/02/2020 18:26

My stbxh used his business as an excuse to never be with me.

ANiceLuxury · 01/02/2020 18:28

We own a limited company with dh being a director. We have 6 full time staff.

Dh works constantly. Due to the large amount of jobs coming in there is always one complaint to deal with which takes an awful long time to resolve.

The engineer who went out to the customer is denying what the customer said. The customer has realised they could of got someone cheaper so tries to claim their money back from us saying we are a rip off. They also threaten us with bad reviews if we dont give them what they want. Oh and they are always a solicitor who complains or their uncle is one etc....

Its endless. Dh wont let staff deal with complaints as he feels they dont deal with correctly and are too quick to just refund to resolve the situation even when a refund is not warranted.

One in 100 jobs is a complaint and we have about 25 jobs come in a day.

If dh books time off then something always happens which means the time he has off is cut very short or doesnt happen at all.

We havent had a holiday in 7 years. Im on my own every weekend and school holiday with the kids.

Dh never comes anywhere with us.

The money is very good and has allowed us to be mortgage free but i do feel we have really sacrificed in other ways.

AriadnesFilament · 01/02/2020 18:29

You need to talk to him.

It’s not about ‘making him feel guilty’, but if this is the way it’s always going to be then, seriously, what is the point?

If he doesn’t actually need to be ‘on’ all the time in the evenings and weekends then asking him not to be (although with the understanding that as a small business owner there will need to be longer hours most likely) is ok - if you don’t feel you can say that to him then that’s a problem in and of itself - and if it’s the case that this is way needs to be for now while he builds the business then that needs to be discussed and agreed with both of you, with a plan with timescales for when he thinks it will change and whether that’s doable for both of you and what can be done in interim to keep the relationship going.

I don’t see that you’ve got any choice but to talk to him. Because fundamentally you sound so sad - how is this sustainable for you?

Oblomov20 · 01/02/2020 18:37

Christ. This all sounds truely miserable.

Not just OP looking after his kids. But all the other posters. Why bother? Surely a 9-5, 5 week holiday PAYE job would be better? What's the benefit?

( I know what the self employed benefit is to many of my friends who are, but none of the posters above seem to have it!)

moochew · 01/02/2020 18:40

Dh has a fairly new business. He works anywhere between 70-80 hours a week. He always works on holiday - usually gets up and does most of it before I get up. Even when he worked for a company he always worked long hours. I do get lonely as he is often stays away during the week but even if he does get home it's usually 9pm at the earliest..
It's who he is - he'd give it up if I asked him and at times I've come close but I know he needs it - I don't ever feel like work is more important than I am - any time I have asked for him to be at home (not often) he has dropped everything - but looking after his kids by yourself - I don't think I'd be happy about that...I can see how that would make his absence even more painful.