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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To yearn for my old life?

29 replies

notyourmummy · 31/01/2020 18:59

I know that I'm very lucky to have two healthy children, and a home to live in and money to buy food, and I'm quite prepared to get flamed, BUT..
I was thinking today of what I'd be doing this weekend if I didn't have children, how I'd probably have a bit of a lie-in on Saturday, do the food shopping then have a coffee and read the papers, maybe watch some sport on telly or go to the rugby. And I felt really sad that actually that's not what I'll be doing. My life revolves around a 2yo and an 8yo and I've morphed into "mum", I have no sense of me anymore, other than trying to cram in going out for a run around family life.
But then I started feeling guilty for feeling like that - I desperately wanted children and feel like I should treasure them, after all they're only little once? Should I pull my head out of my arse and accept my life's changed?!

OP posts:
Cookiecrumblepie · 31/01/2020 19:03

I don’t think it’s wrong to yearn for your old life! You should seek balance, maybe reclaim some time for yourself. Regardless of whether you have children or not, you are still a person and deserve to do the things you enjoy. That doesn’t make you a bad or neglectful parent!

CantstandmLMs · 31/01/2020 19:05

Did you plan to have these children? Maybe think back to what you thought you were lacking in your life and why you decided to have kids. Maybe you are looking through rose tinted glasses?

I don't have kids so I probably can't talk but I know I don't want them and I want my alone time lol.

SunOnAll · 31/01/2020 19:06

I very much wanted children and family life but with infertility I had to concede our miracle was never going to happen - and even I'd say you shouldn't feel guilty for not loving every minute of every day as a parent!

I see with friends that it's relentless, exhausting and actually it's pretty tough never coming first - and yes, of course you love your children but it must be really tough to lose yourself amid it all.

Can you organise childcare so you get a few hours to yourself one weekend?

justasking111 · 31/01/2020 19:07

One day you will do that again when the last one goes to college, it is awfully quiet here and I miss the chaos. We are never satisfied.

puds11 · 31/01/2020 19:08

Meh. I’d rather look after kids than do your ideal Saturday Grin I had my first at 20 so I don’t know what I’m missing 🤷‍♀️

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 31/01/2020 19:09

You don't mention a partner so I presume there isn't one. Do you have any support nearby? Friends with kids that you could trade off a day here and there taking turns to have the kids for playdates? Once the 2 year old is up a bit the 8yo will be in secondary so off out with friends and you'll be able to reclaim a bit of your sanity.

Do you have friends who visit so you at least get some adult conversation, or who could come over for a chat and -wine- tea once the kids are in bed?

Grobagsforever · 31/01/2020 19:24

If you have a partner he should be making sure you get time off. Fix that first.

If you're a lone parent- yup it's shit. Relentless and lonely.

Liverbird77 · 31/01/2020 19:26

I have a 13 month old and I am pregnant.
I am shattered. I know life will be challenging for a long time!
Whenever I miss my old life of lie-ins, boozing etc, I remember the reality. I was really, really fucking lonely and all I wanted was a family. I'd feel aching jealousy of those who had one. At 42, I know I am really lucky to have been able to have one.
You're not being unreasonable for missing the good bits of life pre-kids, but try to remember the negatives as well as the positives.

Original poster
notyourmummy · 31/01/2020 19:44

I do have a husband. He works shifts though so isn't around much, so childcare etc falls to me. I knew that would be the situation before we married though.

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 31/01/2020 19:44

Just sounds like you need a day off. Have you got any family that would be willing to watch kids for a day? Then you will probably miss them and remember all the reasons you prefer your current life.

Original poster
notyourmummy · 31/01/2020 19:45

No family nearby, they do go to childminder one day every weekend when I'm at work though.

OP posts:
deareloise · 31/01/2020 19:47

It’s a difficult one, because I don’t think it’s wrong to look back fondly at all.

However, while you don’t say how old you are, I think it’s important to be aware things naturally change anyway.

Your perfect weekend would be pretty soulless if that’s all it was.

Verily1 · 31/01/2020 19:50

Shifts aren’t 7 days a week with no annual leave though so why are t you getting the occasional Saturday like before?

No grandparents?

pumpkinpie01 · 31/01/2020 19:50

Do you plan nice days out at the weekend when you don't work ? Sometimes having things to look forward to can help not feeling in a rut.

Cath2907 · 31/01/2020 19:51

One of the joys of being divorced- EOW child free. I love DD (9) but I also love love love my free weekends. Tonight I’m drinking Prosecco, eating non-child friendly food and watching a movie. I’m looking forward to a lazy morning tomorrow followed by a long dog walk.

FuzzyAtmosphere · 31/01/2020 19:51

I miss lots of things from before I had children. I love lots of things now I do have them. I figure I have the things from before to look forward to in a couple of decades but with the added bonus of some of the things I love now (I’m not convinced all of the toddler affection will remain, sadly).

MeetmeinParis · 31/01/2020 19:52

I think that's normal OP and you will get your life back eventually, its all consuming being a parent but it gets easier/different problems as they get older Flowers.

Reginabambina · 31/01/2020 19:53

I’ve had this recently. My young children now have to suck it up and humour me with trips to the art gallery and conversations about politics. You can still do that things you love with young children, children are much more interesting than most people think.

EmeraldShamrock · 31/01/2020 19:53

It is normal to reminisce. I was thinking today I'd love to go back 15 years then I realised life is good as it is, even if it is going to fast.

gaffamate · 31/01/2020 19:55

I'm with you, two kids,.work and no childcare sucks. Even more so when everyone else seems to have grandparents to step in and children who sleep or husband's who work short hours. I don't know what the solution is, I'm just waiting until they move out!

myidentitymycrisis · 31/01/2020 19:58

Yes
When my Dc was growing up I sometimes found it hard but I didn’t yearn for my old life. I suppose I saw it as a progression and as my life now.
Now Dc grown and left I have a different life now and I don’t yearn for my old life

Original poster
notyourmummy · 31/01/2020 20:51

@Verily1 he works 6 days most weeks, he'll entertain the 2yo when he's home but he and the 8yo don't get on and he was brought up in a household where the man didn't do much at home, and that's how he feels it should be. I don't mind that, just feel like I've lost who I am, I'm just wife/mum.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 31/01/2020 20:54

What do you mean they don't get on ? They clash ? Argue ?

Surroundedbycats · 31/01/2020 21:57

Do you work at all? Could that help? Evenif most of the cost goes to childcare I find that this helps me feel like me!

bumblenbean · 31/01/2020 22:03

I’m exactly the same. I love my kids and they’re amazing but I miss my old life A LOT and am very envious of people who can spend all weekend doing exactly what they want - or nothing! Weekends used to be the best part of the week, now they just blur into the rest of the week..

But I know if I had chosen not to have kids I would wonder what I’d missed out on so it’s swings and roundabouts

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