Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopping contact with dcs dad

31 replies

Goldilookingchains · 31/01/2020 11:28

I need some advice before I go nuts, my exdp Dcs dad hasn't seen our kids properly since August last year, there is a whole back story but the long and short of it is, it kicked off a few months ago between myself and his gf, as she kept stalking my social media, calling my phone on private and calling me every name under the sun and hacking into private information about my kids. So at the time he chose his gf over the kids and didn't even try to contact them for over 7 weeks, when he did I told him that he can go away and leave us all alone as were better off without him, he's a compulsive liar and a textbook narc.

He saw them for all of 30 mins on xmas day as she was calling and moaning that he was I at my house and again hasn't seen or spoken to them since.

He is now calling asking me for overnight contact with them, but I have point blank refused as I've since found out that both him and his gf are taking drugs daily and that she is a habitual drunk driver, they live together 3 hours away from me and the ex doesn't drive so has no other mode of transport to pick up our kids and he doesn't seem to understand why I wont allow them to get in a car or be around either of them, as they're both so angry and violent towards each other, he thinks I'm wrong to stop contact and is trying to make out im just jealous.

For the past week all I've had is abusive messages, so much so that I've had to block him as it's getting too much for me. I don't know what to do anymore, he doesn't listen to a word I say and is just so ignorant that it really is doing my head in.
Any advice and where I can go to resolve this issue?

OP posts:
GinDaddy · 31/01/2020 11:32

You need to go to somewhere like Citizen's Advice Bureau - but before then, can I ask

  • Is there any currently mandated court arrangement in place regarding the children, whether that be access, child maintenance etc?
  • What do you want out of this; do you want your children to stay away from their dad because you think he is unsafe? Or do you want your children to stay away from their dad so you can punish him for his continued absence up until now?
Original poster
Goldilookingchains · 31/01/2020 11:39

There is no court order in place and he pays regular maintenance through CMS.

I do not want to keep my DC away from their father indefinitely, but I do feel that currently they would be in an unsafe and unstable, volatile environment.
There is no need to punish anybody I am purely thinking about the best interests of my children.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 31/01/2020 11:57

Well, never mind anything else, if the children have seen him for a total of 30 minutes since August last year, then even without the drugs and drinking etc it seems ridiculous to do an overnighter? I can't believe they would be comfortable with that.

If possible, he needs to accept that if he has the kids it has to be for limited periods while they get used to him again and, if all goes well, THEN you'll consider overnights?

Curiosity101 · 31/01/2020 11:59

Definitely talk to CAB - based on what you've describe I wouldn't feel comfortable with unsupervised visits, but if you do feel your children would benefit from time with their father then there are services that allow supervised visits in things like specialist contact centres.

Original poster
Goldilookingchains · 31/01/2020 12:15

This is what I'm trying to make him understand, he hasn't even spoken to them in 5 months. I have suggested that he sees them once a week or eow and call them a few times a week just to rebuild some kind of relationship, but as I said he is very immature and ignorant so only wants to get his own way and is not actually thinking about our DC.

They were devastated when everything happened and have pretty much come to terms with the fact their father isn't going to be around for them. I really don't want them being messed around, because I don't know how long he is going to keep up contact this time before something else comes along and he doesn't see them again.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/01/2020 12:53

I would stick to your guns; as you say, you don't know when the wind will change again and he stops seeing them again. If he's also taking drugs daily then DC need to stay as far away from him as possible.

And never allow your DC to get in his GF's car...

UYScuti · 31/01/2020 12:56

Keep very detailed records of everything that he does and stop all contact

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/01/2020 13:00

My DBIL still has very clear and traumatic memories of being driven by his drunk father on a contact visit, being terrified for his little sister and shouting at his father to stop the car. They begged their mother not to have to see him again.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to keep your dc safe from potentially being driven by a drunk driver, and you absolutely should not be expected to leave them in that kind of household for an overnight.

If he gets the train/bus up to where you live and wants to take them for a meal/cinema etc then I would facilitate that.

slipperywhensparticus · 31/01/2020 13:01

If he is being abusive call the police if you know for sure she is drink driving call the police with her reg number and favourite pub

We had to call a neighbour on a regular drink driver we had to give them her car reg regular pub and usual time of leaving they watched out for her (they didn't stake her house out or anything dramatic just kept an eye out) caught her after two weeks just under the limit then about a month later way over

Louise91417 · 31/01/2020 13:02

I could have written this with my experience of ds father (now exp). I suspended contact due to similar concerns regarding drink/drugs and abusive behaviour..i done this on advise from solicitor. It was up to exp to pursue contact through court, he didnt bother. Whilst it is sad to have an absent parent you have to decide what is best for your children. A father that comes and goes and has issues like you have stated will do a lot more harm to your children (if you give contact) than an absent father. Screen shot all messages etc..incase he decides to go to court (highly unlikely if he can go so long nc)..

Original poster
Goldilookingchains · 31/01/2020 18:27

I don't have a clue where she drinks or the car she/he drives( he drives it too without a license)

I knew he was taking drugs, but mainly when he was out I didn't know that it had got to a point where he was using every day, he never once took anything whilst we were together.
The only reason I know of the drug use and drink driving, is because of exbil who told me that something quite serious happend between ex and his gf a few weeks ago and thought that I deserved to know incase I did send my dcs in the car with them.

OP posts:
ButtonandPickle19 · 31/01/2020 18:31

Contact Center. If he loves them and wants to see them he will attend. Make sure they’re booked well in advance so he has no excuse for not making it and see if you can build some trust with him. I’d also suggest mediation for you and him. All DC deserve their fathers, not all fathers deserve their DC. So give them a way to have him and he makes the effort

Original poster
Goldilookingchains · 31/01/2020 18:35

How do I go about getting a contact centre? I don't want my DC growing up without a father, even a crap one.
I know he loves them, but I am just so tired and frustrated with the situation that its affecting my own mental health.
I've been asking him for years to try mediation but he's refused as he doesn't want people knowing his business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldilookingchains · 31/01/2020 18:38

Button you've hit the nail on the head, I don't trust him anymore I don't believe a word he says and honestly don't think he's being serious about the situation.

OP posts:
BringBackLangCleg · 31/01/2020 18:47

You need some professional advice. My gut feeling upon reading your posts is that he is a feckless bloke who is unlikely to bother chasing contact if he has to go through the courts to achieve it. I don’t know the legalities and you really do need to make sure you do things by the book, but I’d be exploring the options around offering him fortnightly supervised contact for a couple of hours and letting him go through the courts if he isn’t happy with that.

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/01/2020 19:21

If you are receiving threatening messages should they be reported to the police?
I know you say you wants the kids to know their dad, but is this sensible if it puts them at risk of harm from drugs, drink etc?
I think you need to get some advice, if he really wants to see them a contact centre, but putting the kids at risk to facilitate an unhealthy dangerous relationship with a hapless dad seems foolhardy

Original poster
Goldilookingchains · 31/01/2020 20:19

The messages aren't threatening, he's just spewing anger and calling me all sorts.
He would never take me to court it's just not in his nature, he would much rather continue how it is now as it means he can show when he chooses and not have a schedule to stick to.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 31/01/2020 22:18

I know he loves them
really, he doesnt act like it, he's a dick who will only bring chaos
why do you want to subject your children to this?

Original poster
Goldilookingchains · 01/02/2020 02:29

I agree he doesn't act like it, which is what my problem is. I love my dc and although I'm not perfect I try my best to be there, he doesn't.

I don't want to subject them to any of this, but what options do I have? I've done the best thing I know how right now, which is to stop contact and put boundaries in place but it's such an awful feeling of guilt, I didnt want this for myself or my dcs.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 01/02/2020 05:54

Don’t feel guilty.
How would you feel if DC were injured or killed due to their Dad?

Being around drugs means they are more likely to take drugs as adults.

Suggest contact centre in writing. It allows him to see the kids in a safe environment. If he won’t do that, that’s on him.
No dad is better for kids than a deadbeat inconsistent neglectful dad

You got this

UYScuti · 01/02/2020 10:56

OP you can examine your feeling of guilt and understand that it is missplaced, allowing this man into your life and the lives of your children will only cause more stress and heartache, get him gone so that you can recover and work on yourself.
There are other ways that your children can have positive male role models, you can find age appropriate ways of explaining to them why some people are not strong enough or capable enough to make good parents.

UYScuti · 01/02/2020 10:58

We know you didn't want this and it is awful when you have to accept that things aren't going to work out in the way that you wanted, but you can process this and you can get through it.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/02/2020 11:07

Keep a record of the contact you have offered...

Phone calls, short visits to build up again after X amount of time, mediations offered, supervised contact while you suspect drug use. Etc etc.

MrsBertBibby · 01/02/2020 11:12

How old are your children, and what do they want?

UYScuti · 01/02/2020 11:17

From your description this man is extremely dysfunctional and he invites other extremely dysfunctional people into his life, the writing is on the wall in big neon letters these people should not be in charge of children they are a complete disaster.
Keep a file on him make a dossier, everything that happens, everything you hear about keep detailed notes so that you have a clear picture of what's going on with this man and you can be in no doubt that he is not a person who is able to be a parent.
It is hard, it's very upsetting that he won't step up and do the right thing, thankfully it should be easy to stay several steps ahead of him and minimise the impact of him.