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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it considered cheating? Was he in the wrong?

51 replies

mmm111 · 31/01/2020 00:35

First of all, I'm not a troll, I couldn't NC on my other account so created a new one and I can NC on this one.

Technically not a AIBU but posted for traffic.

I went out to the pub with my friend this evening and was sat next to a large group of people (didn't know any of them) and they got into a big heated debate, a lot of raised voices and crying and we, and probably most of the punters, couldn't help but overhear.

Anyways, 1 of the women declared she left her husband of 10 years because he'd been masturbating over photos of women she and her H know personally including one her close relatives. I think she found out due to him bookmarking photos these women had posted on Facebook. He tried to explain that the photos were just visual stimulation and nothing more and that he only 'did it' when the mood strikes and she wasn't around. She knew he masturbated to porn occasionally and had no issues with that but she was devastated that it was also to women she knew personally and I think she said that he proved he hadn't reached out to talk any of these women and that the photos had popped up on his news feed but she still couldn't trust or be around him anymore.

A couple of them women and the men in the group were outraged with his behaviour and were telling her that her H had basically cheated and that he was sexual deviant while others jumped in and said all men masturbate and it was just unfortunate she found out what he was masturbating over and that he was an absolute idiot for bookmarking the stuff but technically he had nothing wrong.

I've been sat here thinking about what I would do or think if I found myself in the wifes situation and thought I'd also ask the mumsnet community.

OP posts:

devilsadv0caat · 31/01/2020 00:46

If it was just for “visual stimulation” any porn would do, not images (not even “visually stimulating” ie naked) of someone you know personally. That’s emotional stimulation and super degrading to the relatives and to his poor wife. I’d LTB for that too.

Ughmaybenot · 31/01/2020 00:50

Yea nah that’s disgusting. Porn is one thing (altho I disagree with the industry generally personally) but photos of women he actually knows is gross, and disrespectful to both his wife and to the woman in the photo. As above, if it was just about visual stimulation, it didn’t have to be women he knew, and clearly fancies.

Monty27 · 31/01/2020 00:51

Really OP? You all listened?
Doof doof doof

Lalala205 · 31/01/2020 00:52

Was it pictures of her mum?

Retroflex · 31/01/2020 01:18

Nope nope nope nope nope!!!

The line he's crossed is so far behind him he doesn't even realise it's there anymore!!!

dwum · 31/01/2020 01:23

I would say technically he has done nothing wrong, I would class this as more fantasy than cheating, but I would feel super icky about it.

PawPawNoodle · 31/01/2020 01:26

I don't think it's cheating (as that would involve another consenting adult) but it is a betrayal and exceedingly disgusting.

Please tell me it was her gran.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/01/2020 01:37

I agree that visual stimulation can be anyone. But to look at particular women he knows and has met is a step too far, it implies attraction and a desire to be intimate with them in particular rather than just getting off on a random picture or video.

I wouldnt necessarily say its cheating, its difficult to define, but I would leave for that too.

Original poster

mmm111 · 31/01/2020 01:40

@Lalala205 @polPotnoodle I have no idea who it was. She said a name and another women said something along the lines of "aren't you two closely related"

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/01/2020 01:54

I’d find that really difficult to get over. I certainly wouldn’t think it was the same as masturbating to porn. And I’d be really creeped out if I found out a friend/relative had been masturbating to images of me, too.

JingsMahBucket · 31/01/2020 02:03

@mmm111 so how should we vote? What do YABU & YANBU equal in this case?

Spamantha · 31/01/2020 02:12

I'm sure the majority of people have sometimes fantasized about people they know who aren't their partner. All well and good until you're dumb enough to keep a paper trail for your partner to discover.

Not cheating, I can understand her upset though.

notangelinajolie · 31/01/2020 02:12

Wierd. Sounds a bit of a deep conversation to be having with people you don't know. Next time you go out just stick to people you know.

JingsMahBucket · 31/01/2020 02:14

BTW I don’t class this as cheating but it’s definitely fantasy as @dwum said. Yeah it would weird me out a bit, but this pretty normal for both sexes. It’s fantasizing about people you know or see every day — completely normal. Coworkers, classmates or professors, a bus driver, checkout cashier, friend’s mildly attractive husband or wife, etc. No big deal.

The issue is you normally keep that to yourself and never let your partner know. He was dumb enough to save the pictures themselves and then bookmark the pictures in a really obvious way and his wife found out. * That * was the societal threshold he accidentally crossed which skeeves people out. Most of the people at that dinner table have probably fantasized about a friend or friend’s partner at some point in their lives but are shouting just a bit too loudly to avoid being lumped in with him.

JingsMahBucket · 31/01/2020 02:15

@notangelinajolie the OP wasn’t having the conversation with people she didn’t know. Her and half the pub overheard the loud conversation coming from a particular table of friends.

LinoVentura · 31/01/2020 02:18

Women have admitted all sorts of dodgy sexual fantasies to me. And a number of them watch porn. I don't feel I have the right to judge or, if they're my partner, police them. Yet a man fantasising about women he knows in the real world is unforgivable?

Lalala205 · 31/01/2020 02:18

I'm not an avid FB user but out of curiosity I had a quick scroll through my feed. It brought up; picture of someone on dog walk, at at farm their kids, sitting eating food in restaurant, on holiday (no bikini just sat with partner fully dressed), selfie with cat, picture of feet in new trainers, doing a thumbs up with work award, another one on holiday ( But alas again no bikini shot, just holding up cocktail).... I now feel like the people I know just aren't 'trying hard enough' 😒 Where is the wank fodder?! 😭

LinoVentura · 31/01/2020 02:22

Most of the people at that dinner table have probably fantasized about a friend or friend’s partner at some point in their lives

Don't know how true it is but I have read that men are more likely to fantasise about women they know in the real world and women are more likely to fantasise about celebs etc. Or maybe I imagined reading it somewhere. Anyway it might be correct in which case it would explain a lot of the contents of this thread.

LinoVentura · 31/01/2020 02:25

Where is the wank fodder?!

If a woman is in lust with a celeb and can't find a photo of him in his underwear is it really inconceivable that she mind find a shot of just his face or of him clothed attractive?

agonyauntie2020 · 31/01/2020 02:36

Why the massive song and dance about the name change and new account if this was something you overheard in the pub?

Also people don't talk like this: "aren't you two closely related" do they?

I think this is a bit closer than you're admitting. Maybe a reverse or something.

Regardless, I think the person who says we all have the odd fantasy about someone we know (or most of us do), just keep it in your head. Photos was silly but is it really such a massive big deal? I don't think so. As for LTB recommendations, sheesh.

AnnDaloozier · 31/01/2020 02:43

In a pub? Yeah.

Posted for traffic. Why?

emmetgirl · 31/01/2020 02:44

I don't think I could ever get past that. That would be the end for me.

Original poster

mmm111 · 31/01/2020 03:01

@agonyauntie2020 I live in a really small village that has 2 little pubs. There was maybe 10 locals in there. We have regular visitors that climb the mountains and use the bike trails nearby so I'm assuming that's what they were here for considering I didn't know them.
I name changed or attempted to for the first time on my other account because I've never started a thread before only lurked and occasionally commented and most folk always start the post with 'I NC for this.' My apologies if it caused confusion or offenc.
And i said 'something along the lines of aren't you two closely related' because she did say something along those lines. I'm literally just repeating what I heard.

OP posts:

Lalala205 · 31/01/2020 03:03

LinoVentura I doubt there's many celebs in this day and age that you can't find a picture of them in their underwear 😂

Original poster

mmm111 · 31/01/2020 03:04

Sorry, the bit about the pub was for @AnnDaloozier.

OP posts:

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