Is it considered cheating? Was he in the wrong?

[mmm111]

First of all, I'm not a troll, I couldn't NC on my other account so created a new one and I can NC on this one.

Technically not a AIBU but posted for traffic.

I went out to the pub with my friend this evening and was sat next to a large group of people (didn't know any of them) and they got into a big heated debate, a lot of raised voices and crying and we, and probably most of the punters, couldn't help but overhear.

Anyways, 1 of the women declared she left her husband of 10 years because he'd been masturbating over photos of women she and her H know personally including one her close relatives. I think she found out due to him bookmarking photos these women had posted on Facebook. He tried to explain that the photos were just visual stimulation and nothing more and that he only 'did it' when the mood strikes and she wasn't around. She knew he masturbated to porn occasionally and had no issues with that but she was devastated that it was also to women she knew personally and I think she said that he proved he hadn't reached out to talk any of these women and that the photos had popped up on his news feed but she still couldn't trust or be around him anymore.

A couple of them women and the men in the group were outraged with his behaviour and were telling her that her H had basically cheated and that he was sexual deviant while others jumped in and said all men masturbate and it was just unfortunate she found out what he was masturbating over and that he was an absolute idiot for bookmarking the stuff but technically he had nothing wrong.

I've been sat here thinking about what I would do or think if I found myself in the wifes situation and thought I'd also ask the mumsnet community.

But to answer the actual question OP, would I consider it cheating? No, would I think it's a bit 'ick'? Yes. My Dd makes no bones about the fact she thinks her DPs partners dad is 'pretty fit' for his age, apparently 😂. However if she was found to have a secret stash of 'inspirational' pics of him on her phone then she'd expect her partner to be very much less than impressed I'd imagine!

I've been in a temper before, but there is no way in hell I'd have that sort of conversation in a pub! Were they drunk or something?

I don't think it’s technically cheating, but it is pretty seedy or as my G’ma would call it : grubby. It would invoke the ‘ICK, and I personally would have to LTB.

I doubt there's many celebs in this day and age that you can't find a picture of them in their underwear

Terry Wogan?

But this never happened did it 😂

You'd have to be listening pretty intently to get all that detail. Must've been a quiet pub.

She said a name and another women said something along the lines of "aren't you two closely related

Nobody says this. They would say "Isn't she your cousin/sister/aunt". If it's not close enough that they would name the relationship (eg. third cousin twice removed) then they aren't closely related

Assuming this happened and it might be that OP is more "involved", I don't think it's cheating. Surely to cheat another party needs to be involved? No other party was involved so he didn't cheat.

Sleezy and distasteful it is.

I don't think its cheating
I wouldn't stay with him though, it's disgusting behaviour

It's not cheating. Cheating is emotionally or sexually engaging with another person outside marriage/committed relationship.

Would I be hurt if my husband was masturbating over a picture of my cute girlfriend? Yes. Would I accept that for him was visual stimulation only? Yes as well.

My answer may not be popular but most of us, men and women, are capable of dissociating/fantasising/stimulating for sexual pleasure with stuff we wouldn't want to be made public during something as private as masturbation. For the wife who left the husband and friends who were outraged and thought he was deviant, I recommend them a classic of female sexual fantasies - My Secret Garden of Nancy Friday.

I couldn’t give a stuff if my DP was knocking out one to Aunty Janice in her Asda bikini. I’d find it funny.

Oh come off it OP 🙄

What’s the real story?

“Aren’t you two closely related?” 🤣

It's not cheating but I wouldn't be able to get over it. It'd make me super paranoid about him being around these women.

There was a thread a while ago about a woman who found her DH wanking over pictures of her sister. are you sure that's not you OP?

I think if one person in the relationship considers it cheating then it is cheating (for them). That's what matters really, it's important to have open conversations about these things early on to avoid these situations.

That said, I would also be extremely unimpressed if I caught DH wanking off to photos of people we knew. Random porn is one thing, actual people we know is a betrayal. Suspect pub lady was doing right by herself to leave that marriage.

The truth hurts- I imagine most men do similar tbh, it is unfortunately fairly normal to find other people sexually attractive.
Bookmarking the photos is creepy (and stupid) and obviously this man fancies the person in question which raises various questions (how much, does he still fancy his own DP, are there feelings involved, would he go there if he could etc) but anyone who thinks their DP has never had a wank thinking about someone else is most likely just mistaken.

Not cheating, but very hurtful to know ,or hear about nonetheless.

As an aside - weird story OP, I just can't imagine this happening . Bizarre behaviour.

I wouldn't consider it cheating but it's definately not ok. Porn, celebs etc. Is completely different fantasy than going through my sister's Facebook and masturbating to her images. I doubt this was the only thing that was wrong in their relationship

Token bloke on the thread here.

It's minging.

Have a great weekend everyone.
Maybe keep the fantasy in your head???

I really don’t think anyone would be happy about their partner wanking over photos of their cousin/sister/mum/aunt or whoever it may be or even just their friend, lets face it.

Porn is one thing but at least that’s just random people your partner will never meet. Wanking over photos of people you actually know is completely different.

I couldn’t give a stuff if my DP was knocking out one to Aunty Janice in her Asda bikini

Let’s face it, it’s probably not Aunty Janice. I don’t think you’d find it funny if it was your younger quite attractive sister.

Random person -ok , not too pleased at the thought but whatever
Family member/friend- hell no, that’s grim and so offensive .
Don’t see it as cheating but it is really bloody awful

Why are people troll hunting? I overhear conversations all the time in restaurants, bars, whatever, especially if people are really loud drunks. This isn’t all that implausible.

I'm not sure how different it really is to masturbating to thoughts of people we know irl which I'm sure many men and woman do.

I can understand it would be extremely upsetting for a partner to find out about which is why most people keep their private fantasies exactly that, private.

I also think to share a partners private fantasies with a group of mutual friends (No matter what you think of them or how you found out) is a massive betrayal.

@Surplus2requirements I think sharing your partners fantasises is different to explaining to your friends why you left your husband.

I wouldn't like this at all. Any time you came in contact with that 'close relative' you'd be wondering if he was fantasising about them.