AIBU to be annoyed at my MIL for buying my kids too many toys?!

[raindrops44]

Worst problems to have, I know.

I have 2 kids close in age who both have birthdays near Christmas. They have a ridiculous amount of toys. I'm continually trying to minimise what they have because I feel they can't really play with things properly when there's too much choice. I continually send stuff to charity shops, etc. There's so many things that never get played with because they just get swamped underneath the masses of toys they have.

I've tried to encourage people to not buy them gifts because they have plenty. If they insist I'll offer a suggestion of buying an experience rather than something physical. Cinema tickets, zoo tickets, etc but this rarely happens. My MIL in particular is a nightmare. She says I'm trying to rob her of the 'joy of being a nan' by stopping her from 'spoiling them!'

This week was my youngest s 3rd birthday and she bought him a scooter (already has one at my house, and hers!), a toot toot airport (even though he has the construction site, garage, fire station), a large remote control car, 15 books, large box of duplo (has x3 of them already), and a large walking talking dinosaur thing, and a guitar.

I'm fizzing. Why does a 3yr old need 3 scooters, and why does my house need to resemble Argos?! 😤

Should I just keep my mouth zipped or be more firm, ask if she has receipts etc? Other son's birthday is in 3 weeks! 😩🙈

YANBU. That's a ridiculous amount of things. Studies have shown that children are far more content playing with fewer toys.

You absolutely must be firm and insist on no or minimal toys- ask for receipts if nothing else. If not, then say that she'll need to keep all the items at hers as you have no space left. That should sort things out quite swiftly.

Also, can you rope in your DH at this point and get him to direct the messaging?

I completely sympathise. We have this exact problem with my PILs. It's a continual stream of stuff, & as we don't have a car, it's easier said than done just to donate it all. We've tried, repeatedly, asking them not to bring toys over. Nada. I think the message may be sinking in now, though, as we have to move house & they are helping with transport, & can see first hand that we are completely overwhelmed with stuff. I have stopped being subtle about bagging things up to donate, that they've given DD/us. A lot of items seem magically to have found their way into PILs car though. They'd better not find their way back.

I think you're right. It needs to come from him. We've had several conversations about it when we've both been present but I might suggest he actually goes round to her house to specifically discuss it. She just doesn't seem to have understanding about the fact kids can have too much. Thinks we're trying to ruin her experience as a grandparent. I was so angry on the actual day I almost threw it all in the car boot and took it to the charity shop there and then. 😤

I agree OP that's far too much. You should start insisting they keep the toys at their house. Tell them you have no space for them.

@AwdBovril That's rubbish. I honestly don't understand who wouldn't rather spend the money on a nice experience. Last year I convinced her to spend the money on taking them to a local pantomime specifically aimed at youngsters. They had a great time! But then she still bought them a santa sack worth of gifts too. 😩

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I've tried to suggest they keep things at there's but she always insists on it coming to ours. They downsized recently. 🙄

There’s no “joy” in giving to a child who has so much that it overwhelms them and they can’t enjoy it. I also think the subliminal message that “the more I love you, the more I give you” is very damaging and sad.
My DH actually said he loved his dad less when he was young because, although generous, he didn’t give him as many presents as his mum (who lavished untold fortunes and apparently gave most of it away unplayed with to a local play group). I find that so upsetting and I’ve told MIL I don’t want that for my DS. I want him to love his gran and be happy to see her, not mentally totting up which gran gave him the most stuff.
I’d either tell her the excess needs to be kept at her house or ask for receipts. When she won’t give them, I’d put the stuff straight on Gumtree and use the money for those nice experiences instead. It really does sound as if your DC have loads, they won’t miss it. Too much stuff is a mental burden IMO.

Thanks! I feel better for getting some feedback. She was making me feel like I was the one who was being ridiculous.

My daughter turned one in November....3 weeks before Xmas . I learnt from my
Brother and sister in law, that money is better than gifts at an earlier age as they won't remember they toys they were given, but they'll be grateful for it in the future i.e they put Birthday/Xmas/Easter/ any holiday money into a savings account for their kids to go towards further education, driving lessons, subsidised living etc. And at first I disagreed as I thought they meant no presents for the kids, but now having a daughter of my own, I realise that the money now, rather than the toys, will go so much further for her later on. That's not to say she doesn't get toys, she's still got plenty, but she also has a nice little nest egg building up Xxxx

My mil buys my son toys and sweets. When I say sweets I mean a massive bag of the mini packets - there's something like 86 bags of sweets in this huge bag.

I've taken to hiding them. They come every week and every week it's the same thing. He still hasn't eaten the massive bag from last week and today he got another one.

Don't even get me started on the toys.

6 toys and 15 books?... madness. Ask her to keep all in her house for when you visit

Sell the toys on eBay or have a big garage sale. Use the money for experiences for the kids.

Give he your DC's bank account and when she gets the urge to splurge she can put he money she would have bought the toy with in their accounts. I do this myself as I shop too much and want to buy my children everything for every occasion and just because. Bette way of channelling my shopping mania and better for DC too as the savings are adding up. My family are also directed to the bank account as my DC are the only grandchildren so everyone wants to buy them something.

I was going to say you were being unreasonable, until I read the 3 scooters.

Ask your DH if he'd be okay with you selling the extra stuff and buy stuff your DS needs or put it in a bank account for him.

Your MIL clearly won't be told.
Ebay or Sphock.

I'd ring up any children's hospices and see if they take them. Or sell on ebay & donate proceeds to a children's charity.

My MIL used to do this, she asks what I was getting my DC for birthdays, Christmas etc etc and will go and get something very similar. I simply either donate to my DC old creche, their school OR charity shop. I have asked instead for clothes, but everything she gets is not my DD style(pink, sparkles etc) but the style of the other grandchildren(she wants them all to look the same) So no matter what it gets donated lol. The money for all of the toys would actually be so much better, my DD loves bringing money along to her savings account and putting it in.

Synpathies. I told MIL not to buy my children cuddly toys - they have loads and neither of them are into them. She can't help herself and we always get more. Rather embarrassingly my 3 year old told her he didn't like the latest ones she bought for them

We had the same issue, mil went mad, bought entire ranges of clothes for each size ahead of him needing it. Toys were coming out of his ears. No matter what we said it wasn't listened to. Now ds is 4 he's turned quite fussy so have said that in terms of clothes he has to have the final say (he will turn around and say if he doesn't like something) so she can't buy on impulse anymore. Was also very proud when asked what he wanted for his birthday ds said i got lots for christmas i don't need anything. Mil is starting to listen to him and is calming it down.
But it is hard you feel rude saying anything about it as you don't want to seem ungrateful. What mil said about it to me was shes not going to be around forever so wanted to treat her grandchildren while shes here.

Start a university fund and ask them to contribute to that with a smaller gift. Sell new tots unopened and put money in uni fund.

YANBU at all, we have exactly the same problem and it drives me mad. I’m not even subtle about it any more, I don’t even unwrap some things in the hope the charity shops will make more money if things are still in the original packaging. In our case my mil doesn’t even invite the kids to her house (ever!) so not an option to send stuff to hers. It’s so annoying.

YANBU you only have so much space and each item taking up real estate in your home is taking joy away from the people who live there...ask them to open an isa (or you open an isa) to put money into there and give 2 gifts max. Or ask for useful stuff like clothes, pjs etc

It's so unhelpful to give that much stuff. My flat is overflowing with plastic crap as it is, but fortunately, my DPs appreciate this. For my DC's birthday my parents gave him a 50p toy car from a charity shop and he was happy as Larry. They then gave some money to me to put in a savings account for when he is older, which is far more helpful imo.

DSis on the other hand... don't get me started (ball pool, scooter, toy lawn mower...)

Yanbu. Both sets of gps here are divorced and so buy separately for the dcs. Imagine if they all did that! One lot also have 16 grandchildren between them so I think they were quite relieved when we asked all the gps to just buy a small gift per child or give them clothes all money.
Could she be persuaded to buy clothes instead? One of our parents always buys their school shoes which helps us out enormously and she feels like she's buying them something "expensive".