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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel angry over this?

76 replies

LoveinParis · 30/01/2020 13:58

I just wondered how others would feel about this.

For context this happened a couple of years ago, but I still feel annoyed when I think about it, there have been other things too which may add to my annoyance and general mistrust.

When ds was a baby he was a really bad sleeper, wasn't easy to get him down for a nap either.

Once when he was around 6 months old mil was watching him for a few hours, when dh and I got back, mil announced that she'd been pushing him around in his pushchair to get him to sleep but he wouldn't give in. They have a conservatory with direct sunlight beaming through. She told me grinning that she'd "been a bit wicked" and she'd positioned his buggy with the sun in his eyes to force him to close his eyes so he'd go to sleep.

At the time I didn't say anything, I'm shit at confrontation and was quite taken aback. I told dh later but he didn't say anything. I regret not saying something at the time, I wouldn't bother bringing it up now, but when I think about it I still get really annoyed that she did that.

I could list all the other things where her judgement has been poor and I know people would agree, but I'm just wondering how people would feel about that specific thing.

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 30/01/2020 15:18

It isn't very kind but it's also unlikely to be harmful.

I would try to put it behind me TBH.

If you don't trust her to be kind, you don't have to let her care for him for long periods.

paulinespeaksmanylanguages · 30/01/2020 15:20

I have the faintest idea about this because you've along, told everyone about this incident and how you felt about it.

I posted my reaction to your tale and it makes a lot more sense than your reaction to the incident-years later.

Take yourself by the hand and stop yakking on about a non event that happened years ago. If something worse had happened since-like stubbing a toenail- you would have forgotten all about it.

That's why I'm concluding you have little to worry about you if you're still harbouring a grudge about nothing.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 15:21

Don't think she'd have done that much damage but she does sound like a bit of a dickhead.

Original poster
LoveinParis · 30/01/2020 15:25

^*It isn't very kind but it's also unlikely to be harmful.

I would try to put it behind me TBH.

If you don't trust her to be kind, you don't have to let her care for him for long periods.*^

Thanks. Unfortunately this is what sometimes happens with me, I get quite upset about what seems like a small thing, when it's actually a build up of lots and lots of things that I haven't dealt with.

I could have posted how mil has done this, that and the other and I'm under no doubt that I'd have had hundreds of replies saying to not let her near the child, just one example is kissing him with active coldsores and dismissing dhs concerns.

For some reason I'm really cross about the sun in his eyes. I'm also cross with myself for not dealing with all of the issues.

OP posts:
Glitterb · 30/01/2020 15:39

I presume your MIL has managed to raise your DH and possible other siblings without any problems? You are massively overreacting about this!

Poppinjay · 30/01/2020 16:00

just one example is kissing him with active coldsores and dismissing dhs concerns

That's not just unkind. Does she intend to continue doing this?

AngstyAnnie · 30/01/2020 16:03

I wouldn't like it either OP. People are pretty horrible to babies I find, even "good" people don't treat them with respect a lot of time. It's one of the things that shocked me since having DC.

She knew it wasn't nice thing to do or she wouldn't have said she was wicked... and yet she did it anyway. It's too late to bring up now but I don't think YABU to be annoyed by it.

Oulu · 30/01/2020 16:12

I'm with you, OP. Deliberately leaving a child in glaring sunlight that will hurt his eyes when he can't easily turn his head to evade it is quite nasty. I also come from the perspective of having been told recently that my eyes are showing some sun damage, so it's not as harmless as people think.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 16:12

one example is kissing him with active coldsores and dismissing dhs concerns.

I stand corrected. She isn't a dickhead. She's a total fucking asshole. A friend of mine's son developed neonatal herpes at 6 months, precisely because of this. He very nearly died. I wept when I saw photos of him - I defy anyone not to. You couldn't put your pinky nail between all the dots. They were in and out of hospital for months.

I know what you're saying about not wanting to say anything - I'm like that. But if she won't listen about something as serious as that, I wouldn't take him around there.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 16:14

To be honest, she doesn't just sound stupid, it sounds more like cruel.

As for all the twatty comments earlier on the thread, they do it because they want attention. Misery loves company and all that.

MintyMabel · 30/01/2020 16:15

That's a big leap from using the sunlight to get them to sleep trick...

Of course it is. Because we weren't hating MIL enough.

You really would think this would be the thing to stew about for two years, wouldn't you.

dorisdog · 30/01/2020 16:18

I'm with you OP. I've never heard of this 'trick.' When I read your post, I though it sounded pretty mean tbh. I hate it when people grin and say they've been 'wicked' or 'mean' to children as if its a joke.

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 30/01/2020 16:26

OP, all these people who've replied on here are very lucky. They think you're being unreasonable because they are clueless as to the damage it can cause.

This was done to me as a baby (only once, my Mum went mad!) and as a result I have solar burns at the back of my eyes which make me even now so photosensitive that even an led light from a phone accidentally shone near my face can trigger hemiplegic migraines. It's quite honestly been the bane of my bloody life and I hate living with this stupid fucking thing that was bloody preventable.

It may well be that your little one is ok (I hope so) but I'd definitely get his eyes checked at the opticians just in case. They can give you advice about it too and I'm sure as heck sure they won't tell you you're being unreasonable!!!!!

Oulu · 30/01/2020 16:32

I can't even see how this would work. A child who has to close his eyes to shut out painfully bright light is going to be distressed and is hardly in a relaxed frame of mind and able to sleep.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2020 16:42

This is one of those

Aibu
Mn yes
Op, well I'm really not

threads.

🤣

Original poster
LoveinParis · 30/01/2020 16:49

If I just wanted 100s of posts saying how shit my mil is, I could have said a load of other stuff. I didn't because a) I don't want my thread ending up in the DM and mil recognising herself b) for some reason despite all of the other stupid things she's done, this is what I'm most cross about, because it felt so deliberately mean c) I didn't want 10545744 posts just telling me how I should never let my near ds again and how I have a dh problem

I've already explained I'm angry with myself I fact I'm furious with myself for not being more assertive about lots of things.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who things it's mean and stupid to put a baby with the sun in its eyes. I had no idea this was a frequently used tactic. I've always tried to keep the sun off a baby

OP posts:
Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 16:56

I can't even see how this would work. A child who has to close his eyes to shut out painfully bright light is going to be distressed and is hardly in a relaxed frame of mind and able to sleep.

Exactly! It's like being tortured till you surrender to sleep. I keep picturing how it would feel to me. Perhaps, empathy is needed here.

It's one thing for it to happen while out and about, in the car, on the bus, etc there's really nothing you can do if you have no suitable shade but to intentionally do it? Not nice. Never even heard of people doing it as some "sleep trick".

Oulu · 30/01/2020 17:07

This is one of those

Aibu
Mn yes
Op, well I'm really not

Except that it isn't, is it? What has actually happened is the usual MN sequence: OP posts something, the first few posts jump on her - quite possibly just because, well, it's AIBU and that's the kneejerk response - then some more follow that bandwagon, then some others come in and disagree and it becomes more balanced.

Original poster
LoveinParis · 30/01/2020 17:12

Except that it isn't, is it? What has actually happened is the usual MN sequence: OP posts something, the first few posts jump on her - quite possibly just because, well, it's AIBU and that's the kneejerk response - then some more follow that bandwagon, then some others come in and disagree and it becomes more balanced.

Also I'm sure I said several times that I accepted what people were saying, accepted I might be in the minority, that I was angry with myself for not speaking up about things I wasn't happy about.

I'm glad it's become apparent that I'm not the only one who thinks it's a mean thing to do to a baby.

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 30/01/2020 17:13

I think it's very mean. It's the same as shining your phone torch in their face. Actually it's not, sunlight is more damaging. I don't like it when I see babies in the summer exposed to the direct sun, no sunshade on the pram, no hat on. But it's their parenting choice. We always used a little cotton hat and pulled it over both DS's eyes and put a dummy in - worked every single time, just instant relaxation.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2020 17:16

then some more follow that bandwagon, then some others come in and disagree and it becomes more balanced

Lol. Clearly your definition of more balanced and mine differ, it's clearly hugely in thr majority thinking it's unreasonable.

We can all see the responses you know. 🤣

Urkiddingright · 30/01/2020 17:16

Weird you’re still thinking about this two years later...

saffronshawty · 30/01/2020 18:36

When my baby was 4 weeks old I remember being at mil house. My baby was sleeping on my stomach and out of nowhere she picks her up, dd starts wailing then she grabs an expressed milk and starts feeding her and goes "Mamas magic" (she thought her grandma name was going to be mama, LOL)

2 years later it still makes me want to drive to her house and kill her. Yanbu.

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 20:17

@saffronshawty I think I want to kill her for you.

Oulu · 31/01/2020 01:43

We can all see the responses you know

Exactly. Therefore we can all see that it's untrue to suggest the whole of MN thinks OP is unreasonable as you suggested. Indeed, it's not even the huge majority that you claim.

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