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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My old Flatmate has become best friends with my sister

65 replies

Tulip1011 · 30/01/2020 13:17

I know this sounds trivial but really irritates me. I moved in with two girls when I became single in my early thirties and we had a blast. My sister was living around the corner and I’d invite her to join us when we went out and stayed in drinking wine etc. Those girls were vital for me at that time to get over my ex and move on in life. The girl I was closest with seemed to have more in common with my sister and when my sister fell out with her best mate they became best mates. At the time I was a bit snnoyed but not like there was anything I could do so we all hung out together. Then my sister started arranging holidays with her and sometimes they’d invite me along. I felt my sister was taking over my friendship. It lead to me falling out with her as well as other things. She didn’t speak to me all the way through my pregnancy because I had an argument with her boyfriend. I started to see my old Flatmates by themselves although I knew they were friends separately with my sister. My sister started to send lots of presents to them and make a big fuss of them. After a while my Flatmate made my sister bridesmaid at her wedding. I went To the wedding and got on ok with my sister but I was a bit hurt. My sister and I started to speak again when my baby was born and we now get on ok, but I would not say we are as close as we were. Now my old friends are starting to want to meet up in a group with me and my sister. AIBU to feel annoyed my flatmate did not as my friend take my side and wants to include my sister in our friendship?

OP posts:

BrimfulofSasha · 30/01/2020 14:13

This sounds like a conversation i'd have with my 10 year old. You don't own friends, just because you know them first doesn't mean they like you more.

Elderflower14 · 30/01/2020 14:16

This is like the school playground!

BrimfulofSasha · 30/01/2020 14:16

this is another one of these posts..

OP: blah blah blah, AIBU?
every reply: Yes
OP: No i'm not

PooWillyBumBum · 30/01/2020 14:17

Your sister hasn’t taken anything away from you.

I’m forever telling my DD that “best friends” just causes issues. Just spend time with and support people you like and don’t worry about who else they’re spending time with.

heartsonacake · 30/01/2020 14:18

YABU. Your sister didn’t steal your friends, your friends are allowed to be friends with whoever they want.

Friendships develop naturally. It just seems your sister has more in common and is closer with one of your friends. That doesn’t (or shouldn’t) affect your relationship with either of them.

dayswithaY · 30/01/2020 14:19

OP, I understand where you're coming from and I don't think it's childish. Your sister sounds a bit like mine. She didn't have many friends and so sometimes would hang out with me and my friends. Once, myself and one of those friends fell out. That night when I walked into the pub, there was my sister with the ex-friend, heads together in conversation. They both looked up and gave me a filthy look. They became inseparable after that and my sister stopped talking to me. I was furious because I thought, as sisters, she should have had some loyalty to me. The difference is, I was about 19 at the time and you are older, that's probably why people on here are a bit snarky with you.

I understand the value of precious friendships but sometimes this can stop you from seeing things as they really are. Neither your sister or your friends have behaved well. Your friends were there for a difficult time in your life, but you're through that now and you don't need them. They served a purpose.

They say friends are for a season, a reason or for life. People change and grow, just as you have. Sisters, you're stuck with them. But I choose to feel sorry for my sister, she lacks confidence and is quite a weak character with a nasty streak - not a good combination. I still love her, but friends come and go. You'll be fine, just move on.

RhiWrites · 30/01/2020 14:22

I ticked YABU but the responses are so harsh I’m going to soften it and comment to say:

Look if my best friend just clicked with my sister to the extent she made my sis a bridesmaid or went on holiday with her, I’d be upset. But that’s my best friend.

I’ve had friends who became friends with my sisters. I’ve had friends who became flat mates with one of my sisters. I friends who’s sisters I’ve met and liked.

I can’t tell if it’s you or your sister who’s making this a competition so I’m guessing a little of both. I think you should have backed off from the competitive aspect awhile ago before it led to a falling out.

Now it sounds like the others want to mend fences and see you AND your sister. This a good time to let go of the grudge and be friendly with everyone.

Have a think about why you’re so worried about people liking your sister more. Does it have to do with how you were growing up? Was she always the “pretty one”? Something’s going on there.

Happityhap · 30/01/2020 14:25

I did say this was a trivial post - read first line and don’t bother reading the rest if not interested

People often say that at the start of a post that turns out not to be trivial at all.

It's clearly having a non-trivial effect on you.

You can't insist on people behaving in a way that you want, tho, so you need to let it go.

2monstermash · 30/01/2020 14:27

You all sound quite childish, from constantly 'falling out with people' (surprised that women in their 30s are like this...), to being jealous over who is friends with who, and your sister swapping in one best friend at a time. Honestly, my advice is just to grow up.

VettiyaIruken · 30/01/2020 14:27

Is there any reason why she can't be friends with both you and your sister? It's like you think that your friend has one unit of friendship available and it was in your possession then your sister came and stole it from your handbag.
But in reality there is nothing preventing people from cultivating multiple friendships. It doesn't have to be a competition or an either/or.
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad about it, you've had a lot on your plate which is probably why you feel the way you do. Everything seems worse when you're already down.

audweb · 30/01/2020 14:29

My best friend in my teens ended up becoming my brothers best friend and then his girlfriend. It never got in the way of anything. Why would it? I would suggest relaxing and just let friendships be friendships. Them being close doesn’t take anything away from your individual relationships with them.

ItIsAllChange · 30/01/2020 14:34

I would imagine this felt worse than it because of how you were feeling at the time. I wonder whether you felt you had friends that you lived with whereas she felt she had a flat mate who was fun to hang out with and she made a best friend through.

monkeymonkey2010 · 30/01/2020 14:36

so she Wendied you basically - took over your mate as hers and then made you feel like a 3rd party.

Don't involve her with your other mates like you did with these - she'll do the same again.
Seems like she's got some weird competition thing going on with you - to the extent that she even ignored you throughout your pregnancy.
She sure is shitting all over anything 'good' in your life and making it all about herself.

HaudMaDug · 30/01/2020 14:37

It is bloody trivial but you are the one bleating on like a child who does not understand the meaning of trivial and YES we've probably all gone through some sort of relationship or friendship separation in our 30s. You have the chance to rebuild a support network with these old flatmates but you are cutting your nose off to spite your face because of an immature, jealous tiff with your sister. Rise above it and enjoy the future relationship with them. They did not cut you off.

Doyoumind · 30/01/2020 14:39

I get it, even if it does seem trivial. I think whether YABU depends a lot on your sister's intent.

whydoihavetogothroughsomuch · 30/01/2020 14:44

This happened to me with one of my friends years ago. So I understand how infuriating it is.

ddraigygoch · 30/01/2020 14:52

I had a friend like you once. Obsessive. Suffocating and selfish.

Because we were 'best friends' she thought she should come before my actual best friends who I'd been close to for over 10'years. I'd known her a year.

She hated that me and her other friend were getting on. Our children went to the same school!!! We would stop on the school run and chat.

Well eventually I binned her because that is crazy!

You don't own anyone. You are the common denominator in all of these relationship breakdowns. You need to seriously stop and re think your attitude before you lose even more people.

ddraigygoch · 30/01/2020 14:54

Your sister didn't take anyone away. They got on with her. They became friends with her. Completely independent of you.

MatildaTheCat · 30/01/2020 14:54

You became friends with your flat mates very quickly and because of your situation they became important to you emotionally. To the flat mates you were probably a nice new friend who they enjoyed socialising with who also had a nice sister.

From that place a deeper friendship developed between one friend and your sister. I can see it’s hurtful to you but honestly, be graceful and accept that. Your life has clearly moved on in a positive way.

It’s entirely up to you whether you want to join them in a group but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face if you would, in fact, enjoy their company.

Pukkatea · 30/01/2020 14:56

It doesn't sound like your sister took over anything? You say it yourself that they have more in common and they would also invite you along to things, so you weren't even excluded? It was YOU who then went to the effort to see those friends without her...

It sounds like all of this falling out has happened not because your sister tried to get in the way of your friendships, but specifically because you refused to share your friends and therefore created awkward situations. What exactly is the problem with all of you being friends?

Also, what was the argument with the boyfriend about?

Thedeadwood · 30/01/2020 14:57

Secondly: I did say this was a trivial post - read first line and don’t bother reading the rest if not interested

actually you didn't. You said it sounds trivial BUT. It's clear that it's anything but trivial to you with what you've said.

Catsandchardonnay · 30/01/2020 14:59

Your friends’ idea to meet up as a group with both you and your sister is the perfect ending to this drama, do you not see it? They just want to include everyone and for everyone to get along. If you carry on with anymore of this nonsense you’ll lose all of them, and I wouldn’t blame them.

Savingshoes · 30/01/2020 15:02

I don't think you are acting immature at all. I think having same sex siblings close in age is difficult when it comes to friendships and people can often assume you come as a pair/think the same way.
You mentioned that your friends were what got you through a difficult time after a relationship breakdown so to watch these people, who you were so close to move forward without you must have been upsetting particularly with pregnancy hormones on top... it might feel like you were you just a stepping stone to who they really wanted to socialise with.
It might be better to move forward without these friends. You have positive memories from your time living with them and that's great but leave them in your past, just politeness when you cross paths and don't involve them in your family disputes.
As for your sister, hard lesson learnt. No more introducing her to people unless you want her to take the reigns on that friendship. You have your own little family now, focus on enjoying what comes with that and spend time with your sister at family events only to reduce a repeat performance.

sonjadog · 30/01/2020 15:18

You do talk about your friends a bit like they are objects to possess. They were "your" support network and she "took them away from you". People are autonomous beings and friendships wax and wane throughout life. Now they are closer to your sister, at a point in the future they may be closer to you. Try to treat your friendships with a lighter hand and enjoy the time people give you, rather than thinking about who else they are close to and comparing what you have with them. People generally react badly to someone trying to control their friendships like that and it will often push them even further away.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 30/01/2020 15:21

OP, I think it would have been worse if you were still not friends with your sister. That would have stung. No matter how "trivial" it appears on paper, things like this do affect us. Feeling left out doesn't feel good whether you're 7 or 70.

Now you are all friends again maybe you could take it as a sign of reconciliation.

Your old flatmate has brought you and your sister back together. Relish the time together. When you're older the two of you will appreciate this new opportunity.

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