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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be tempted

44 replies

JRUIN · 29/01/2020 19:55

to take a photo of my deceased DM? I lost my beloved mother two weeks ago and miss her more and more each day. Even though
I was with her when she died I still felt an overwhelming need to visit her at the funeral directors, which after the initial shock of seeing her in her coffin gave me much comfort. I stayed with her about half an hour and was very reluctant to leave and it crossed my mind to take a picture of her before I left? I didn't mainly because I was worried about the ethics of it and, but now I am regretting it and am wondering whether to go back and take a photo or two? Am I weird and/or unreasonable to do so? Is it even allowed? Why do I even want to so much? Is it because I'm just not ready to let go? Has anyone else done or considered doing it?

OP posts:
Halloweenbabyy · 29/01/2020 19:56

I wouldn’t want a picture of a deceased person. What would you actually do with it? You wouldn’t surely team it would you?

Offredismysister · 29/01/2020 20:03

Many cultures do this. As brits, we’re pretty uptight about death. As a 15 year old, I visited my dad at the funeral home many times as it brought me comfort & closure. I didn’t take any photos though as i preferred to remember him smiling.

Comps83 · 29/01/2020 20:03

Sorry for your loss . I also lost my mother a few weeks ago
I refused to go see her in the chapel of rest. I just know it would disturb me but I can understand why some ppl choose to do this
As for the photo , no i wouldn't . Dig out all your old photos of her and get your digital photos printed instead

Tombliwho · 29/01/2020 20:06

I personally don't think I would want a photo of my deceased mum but it wasn't so unusual in the past and is still a "thing" n other cultures.

Original poster
JRUIN · 29/01/2020 20:12

I have already been through all my dm's photos as we are going to put the ones of her onto a disc to display at her wake. My DM was Italian,so maybe it's in my blood not to be so uptight about death. Seeing my mum dead does not erase any of my memories of her beautiful smile. In fact I feel honoured to have been there to watch her slip peacefully away. I don't know what I'd do with the photo, just keep it to remind me that she is merely sleeping I guess.

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Riojasmoothy · 29/01/2020 20:17

I think it is entirely up to you.
I would find it distasteful to show it to people or display it but if it brings you comfort, who is anyone to judge?

twoshedsjackson · 29/01/2020 20:19

Very much the "done thing" in Victorian times. If you took the photo, that gives you the option, but my instinct is that, as the shock wears off, you'll find pictures taken in happier times are more consoling, and the final photo will remain tucked away.
My condolences; last Tuesday was the anniversary of my DM's death, and I still miss her. But it has to be said, the picture of her on display in my living room is an artist's impression of a photo taken when she was young and carefree (before I started giving her grey hairs!),

CoffeeCoinneseur · 29/01/2020 20:20

If it’s just for you, and you don’t intend to make anyone else look at it or put it on Facebook and tag all your family in, then why not?

Sorry for your loss Cake

ChazP · 29/01/2020 20:23

I’m very sorry for your loss. This decision can only be yours.
However, I personally am very glad that I have no photographic record of when my mother was ill, dying or dead. The brain is an amazing thing. I now have absolutely no recollection of what she looked like when she was ill. Even if I try and force myself to remember, I can’t visualise it. All I see is her as she was. And I’m so grateful for that.

But everyone deals with grief differently and you must do what you need to do to help you through this.

Original poster
JRUIN · 29/01/2020 20:25

I most definitely would not be putting it up on FB or hanging it up on my wall. It would be for my eyes only. I most probably wouldn't even look at much,if at all, but I suppose I'd just like the option to.

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iklboo · 29/01/2020 20:26

Sorry for your loss. I wouldn't take a photo myself. What's left is just the vessel to me, not the person I loved any longer. But if you think it would bring you comfort that's up to you.

TheMemoryLingers · 29/01/2020 20:26

I'm sorry for your loss.

As a pp said, this was a normal thing to do in Victorian times - probably because the number of photographs taken in a person's life time would be small or nonexistent back then, so it might have been the only recent picture people would have to remember a loved one.

I think it's the kind of thing you should do if you think you might regret not doing it and if you feel it brings you comfort. You shouldn't worry about what others think - as the Victorian practices show, it's about social convention rather than taboo.

Strangerthingshere · 29/01/2020 20:29

If that's what will bring you comfort then do it. If at a later date you feel uncomfortable with the photo it is easily deleted

Cecily75 · 29/01/2020 20:30

I'm sorry for your loss.

When my mother died, I took a photo of her hands. I don't really know why, I rarely look at the photo and don't think I've ever shown it to anyone else. I think it was just an act of holding on to her at the last.

I think you should do whatever you need to do to help you grieve Flowers

Original poster
JRUIN · 29/01/2020 20:33

I guess I'm worried the most about what my mum would think rather than anyone else. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if it was just for myself to look at, but I can't know for sure. I am also a bit worried that I'm a bit of a weirdo, but then again I'm thinking it takes all sorts so so what if I am?

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SnappedAndFarted18 · 29/01/2020 20:33

Op I’m so sorry for your loss may your dm Rest In Eternal Peace & always watch over you 👼 with regards to taking the pic no you’re definitely not weird or unreasonable go for it take the pic/pics, I lost my aunt back in 2014 & she was like a mum to me losing her felt like my heart has been ripped out & stamped on I took about 3 pics of her when I went to see her in her coffin, those pics are still on my phone & although it was hard to look at them after her funeral I have just recently been able to start looking at them again and feel at peace with losing her. It’s not weird regardless of some people’s opinions on it. 💐 xx

Original poster
JRUIN · 29/01/2020 20:34

Thank you to those who have offered their condolences by the way. I appreciate it xx

OP posts:
Batshittery · 29/01/2020 20:35

Sorry for your loss OP Thanks
I was early teens when my dad died. My mum took a polaroid photo of him in the coffin. It wasn't really upsetting. He looked peaceful. You do what you need to do.

category12 · 29/01/2020 20:37

If you want this, go back and do it. You can always delete it later if it feels wrong or when you don't need it anymore. The opportunity will pass and you may regret it.

OneUsernameOnly · 29/01/2020 20:37

I wish I had. I am sure The image I have of my mum in a coffin is far worse than the reality. I wish I knew if my memory of what she looked like is real or not. Not sure if that makes sense but yes, I wish I had taken a photo. For my eyes only obviously.

NaviSprite · 29/01/2020 20:38

Take the pictures, even if you never look at them again, I’m of the belief of better to have and not need, than to need and not have.

Different situation but I have pictures on my phone after a much beloved family member passed, I know that they are there and sometimes they help me remember how peaceful they looked. Sure it may not be to everybody’s taste, but in this time do what you feel you need, I’m sure your Mum would want you to do what is right for you.

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

Strangerthingshere · 29/01/2020 20:39

Who cares if it makes you weird. You dont have bad intentions. I personally wouldn't do it but certainly would judge someone else if they were getting comfort from it. I guess only you would know how your mum would feel. You wont get the chance again but you will get the chance to delete it if you decide it was the wrong decision.

Strangerthingshere · 29/01/2020 20:40

That should say that I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for doing it!

Gigia · 29/01/2020 20:40

So sorry for your loss. When my mum died I took a photo of her and one of us holding hands which was just the hands. The hospice nurse actually suggested it and now, two years later it does bring me some comfort to have those photos.

Original poster
JRUIN · 29/01/2020 20:41

Thank you so much SnappedAndFarted18. Your understanding post made me cry, and it's so good to know there's someone else like me out there. I think the overwhelming grief I am feeling is sometimes making me doubt my own thoughts and decisions so reading your post really helped x

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