Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be tempted

44 replies

JRUIN · 29/01/2020 19:55

to take a photo of my deceased DM? I lost my beloved mother two weeks ago and miss her more and more each day. Even though
I was with her when she died I still felt an overwhelming need to visit her at the funeral directors, which after the initial shock of seeing her in her coffin gave me much comfort. I stayed with her about half an hour and was very reluctant to leave and it crossed my mind to take a picture of her before I left? I didn't mainly because I was worried about the ethics of it and, but now I am regretting it and am wondering whether to go back and take a photo or two? Am I weird and/or unreasonable to do so? Is it even allowed? Why do I even want to so much? Is it because I'm just not ready to let go? Has anyone else done or considered doing it?

OP posts:

DanielRicciardosSmile · 29/01/2020 20:42

When my Dad died last Summer, the nurse suggested we could take a photo if we wanted. Mum and I decided against it as we preferred to remember the man he was, but it's obviously enough of a common reaction for them to mention it.

Losing a parent is awful, you should do whatever you need to do to make it easier, and if having that photo will do that, then you should definitely go ahead.

Sweetdreamer93 · 29/01/2020 20:47

It’s fine to do what you feel is best.
Grief is personal.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 29/01/2020 20:53

So sorry for your loss op!

Ifa picture would bring you comfort I say go right ahead. My darling gran died in the summer, I have a picture of her and I in my purse, when I am struggling or just need a moment I have it with me to remember.

gavisconismyfriend · 29/01/2020 20:57

If you would like a photo and feel it would help, then you should take one. Maybe take it with an actual camera rather than on your phone though - you might not always want to carry it about with you and/or be upset if you lost your phone. Take a picture, print it off and keep it with other keepsakes so that you can take it out and put it away again as and when you want to. Your mum would want you to do whatever brings you comfort, so I’m sure she’d understand.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/01/2020 21:00

If you feel you want to do it then go ahead. If you then find it was the wrong decision you can always delete it at a later date. So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard. 💐

redwednesday · 29/01/2020 21:09

She's your mother and it's your choice, what anybody else thinks is nothing you need to concern yourself with. If you take the photo and later regret it then you can deal with it then but if you don't take the photo and later regret there is nothing you can do. If you want to take a photo of her then you go ahead and take the photo.

2020bluegirl · 29/01/2020 21:12

@JRUIN It's a bit weird I'm not gonna lie. But if you really NEED to do it, then do. You are more likely to regret NOT doing it. (Don't let anyone see you/catch you though. I reckon people will take a dim view of it.)

Sorry for your loss by the way.

Girlmeetsbook · 29/01/2020 21:28

As someone else has said perfectly usual in Victorian times (Victorian's were actually very open about death) and Queen Victoria slept below a picture of Albert on his death bed for all of her widowhood. Using that as an example to demonstrate no right/wrong just chsnges in attitudes. Sorry for your loss and hope you get to do what you feel is right whatever you decide.

PanicAndRun · 29/01/2020 21:32

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do it. Who the fuck cares what others think anyways? She's your mum. It's your loss. It's you grieving. It might help or not, but at least you can take the pic and then decide. You might delete it, you might not. But you have the option to now. In a little while it will be too late.

As for your mum and her opinion, I don't know her but I have a feeling she might laugh at all the hand wringing and worry about what would people think. Just an impression I get from your posts.

TBH I don't think it's weird or bad taste or whatever.

SonjaMorgan · 29/01/2020 21:42

I am sorry for your loss.

I say go for it. You don't have to look at them in the future but you will never get the opportunity again to take them.

Not at all the same but I had a missed miscarriage years ago and the lady scanning me seemed shocked I wanted to keep a photo. I haven't looked at it in years but I am glad I have it.

tethersend · 29/01/2020 21:49

I didn’t want to see my mum in the funeral parlour, but I took photos of her and snipped a lock of her hair when she was almost at the end.

I rarely look at either, but it brings me comfort to know they’re there.

Sending love to you, OP. She was your mum, and you can do whatever feels right to you x

Original poster

JRUIN · 29/01/2020 22:17

Thank you all for your opinions and your supportive posts. You have helped me make the decision to trust my instincts and go ahead and take some photos of my dear mum.
I'm sorry to each and every one of you for the grief that you have also suffered and just hope that there is a place where all our loved ones (including the babies that sadly didn't make it to full term) are happy and waiting for us to join them xx

OP posts:

clpsmum · 29/01/2020 22:31

You do whatever gets you through and helps you. I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

orangejuicer · 29/01/2020 22:52

My sister was out of the country when my mum passed away so we took a photo for her. It's your choice at the end of the day. I visited my mum a couple of times before the funeral, it was comforting in some ways.

user1473878824 · 29/01/2020 22:58

Oh OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. I get why you are umming and ahhing about it but it’s for you. You never have to look at it again if you don’t want to, or it’s there for you if you need it. I think my mother would want me to do whatever gave me comfort, so you could look at it from that view? Again I’m so sorry x

user1473878824 · 29/01/2020 22:59

I’ve just seen your update, so sorry for lumbering in when I hadn’t RTFT

Original poster

JRUIN · 30/01/2020 15:02

I’ve just seen your update, so sorry for lumbering in when I hadn’t RTFT

No need to apologise x . I visited my mum today and now have two photos on my phone for me to look at if/when I feel the need to. Once again thank you all for your lovely comments xx

OP posts:

ItIsAllChange · 30/01/2020 15:06

I’m sorry about your mum.

I’m glad you got the photographs. One thing I was told when my daughter died was to get various mementos (such as a lock of hair etc) because even if they went in a box that was never opened again, at least I wouldn’t regret not having them. As it is they have all brought me a lot of comfort even though usually it’s purely from knowing I have all these things, rather than having to get them out to look at.

MatildaTheCat · 30/01/2020 15:17

Not quite the same but I impulsively took a photo of my MIL when she was dying. She was very peaceful and very clearly on her journey away from this life. I very much shared that journey with her alongside her daughters.

I rarely look at it and wouldn’t share it with anyone- we had our own relationship. It is comforting although obviously I mostly remember her vibrant, full of opinions and views.

Flip

1 2