Is a Polygraph test degrading

[GoingCrazy99]

Long story sort, caught husband of 20years having an online emotional affair with someone he knows in another country.

Went on for 2months, sent photos, videos, etc so did get sexual.

He has admitted since telling her it's over that she made contact one time about 2 weeks later while she was drunk and told him she hated him and they exchanged a few texts over about 10minutes where he apologised for hurting her and said he couldn't be in contact.

He only just admitted this when I told him I want a polygraph to confirm this has been only contact after an argument last week. We have been trying to recover and reconcile for past couple of month since he told her it's over and it has generally been better, total transparency, leaves phones around, we have both been having individual and couples counseling.

He said he would do it but has tried to suggest waiting a while and then seeing if I still want one as might not if I feel our relationship is getting better and then this week when I said I want to book it this week, he suggested we discuss with our couples councillor before booking.

So had our session and she was totally down for it but did say I have to make an agreement if he does it that I can not bring up the past again, keep asking questions about affair and have to focus on the future not the past which I said I feel I will be able to do as will know that he has not been lying about it being over and not contacting her.

Want to start our new relationship with no secrets and feel this will settle all my fears that he has been keeping things from me.

He got annoyed in session which I thinks is cause he thought counsellor would be against the polygraph and said he will do it but doesn't want to do it as it's degrading.

I said I'm not going to force him and he asked but then what does that mean for us, and I said I'm not sure I need some truths for him, I had given him about 30 questions to answer that I said would be on polygraph that he had answered a day before all with the "right responses"

So in session he admitted that at the moment he does feel half like giving up and half working on us, that at the moment the main reason he is staying is for the children, that he was very flirty with her and started the inappropriate exchanges with her, did think of ways to contact her after he sent text to say it's over but he didn't do it and has made no contact. But was thinking/had feeling of her for about a month after saying it's over but now doesn't feel anything now, is like a bubble burst.

He was crying during these confessions and I really didn't think they were huge things to keep from me so I still feel like he is keeping something major from me which is why he doesn't want to do the polygraph.

Do you think it is degrading to make/ask someone to do a polygraph/lie detector test ? AIBU

Why is your therapist saying you can’t bring it up again? As far as I’m aware part of the healing process is being able to bring it up when you need to (so long as you are moving on) and for the other party to show they are sorry and that they do realise they damage they have done. Over time the need to do this fades (and if it doesn’t then you have to leave). It’s NEVER the same and they need to understand that but it can become part of your history. However the fact that your therapist is saying you have to not bring it up again, and the confusing message your husband is giving saying he’s sorry and engaging in therapy v’s he’s only 50:50/ he’s staying for the kids would concern me. Please be careful, you sound like you’ve understandably been blindsided by this. Look after yourself.

She said if he agrees to the polygraph and it comes back that he has been honest, he hasn't been in contact accept when she messaged him the one time after. Then I can't keep asking the same questions over and interrogating him on the questions he has answered and I receive the proof of honesty.

I can discuss feelings and things, just no more interrogations is what she meant.

But seeing all the advise I agree the polygraph maybe isn't a good idea, if I can't trust without it, then what's the point.

I guess I need more time to sort out what I want to do and decide if I believe him right now to carry on without any proof.

OP I think you are maybe on the wrong forum for the support you are seeking.

I also believe like you, that a hitherto happy, twenty year marriage and children is worth trying to salvage from this deception. However the majority of MN posters has a very black and white attitude to ANY kind of infidelity- wether real, imagined /fantasised about.

Sadly that simplistic. 'LTB' attitude rarely considers the real life hand-grenade that will rip your family apart. The divorce, lawyers, fights about money, children forced to leave family home and shuttle between parents at weekends, new partners and relationships with your children.. it's a massive life change - which in certain circumstances where is is clearly in the best interests of the children (abuse of you, them or both) of course the upset of separation is preferable to continuing an unsafe and unhappy home but....

Where there is no abuse and the issue is infidelity- and there is a genuine desire by the injured party to forgive and a genuine desire to atone by the transgressor, then yes OP , I believe you are absolutely doing the right thing, for you, your children and family future.

I am also long term married and have friends and family in similar long term marriages, several of which have overcome infidelity successfully, some have not. For those that have, the secret seems to be the ability for the 'forgiver' to genuinely forgive and stop going back over the incident again and again. To draw a line in the sand after COMPLETE disclosure and move forward. If you can't do that , then the chances of affecting a 'new relationship' are pretty slim and leaving would be the best option. No ones interests are served in a marriage of eternal conflict.

I hope you can find a way forward that makes you happy.

Hmmm...I think your husband is still lying to you. He will have spun the truth and minimised as much as possible, and there are probably loads of things he has decided "you don't need to know".

He was extremely resistant to the lie detector - not on the grounds that it was unreliable but because it was somehow "degrading". On what possible grounds could he - a proven liar and a cheat - find a lie detector degrading?? I personally would be offended if my partner wanted me to take one, but that is because I am a trustworthy person who tells the truth. He can hardly say the same.

I don't think you should go through with it, but I might be tempted to use it as leverage - tell him that I have decided he needs to take a lie detector, then the night before, show him the 30 questions and tell him he has one last chance to come clean.

Polygraphs are as has been stated before unreliable and not accepted in court. The US police use them to see if there is value in investigating further.

Another problem is they are programmed to detect variation which suggests the person being tested is exhibiting stress when asked a question that if they are "guilty" may stress them to answer, this implies a moral consideration. Trouble is that moral quitient is based on western judeo-christian reactions.

Thank you Fivetillmidnight, yes your right I am on the wrong forum for this. I need to stop coming back here for advise as it is a lot of LTB so I really appreciate your understanding and kind advise.

What you say is true and we talked last night and he said, yes he is 50/50 and a big reason is the kids cause this is so difficult to navigate through on top of his depression but he doesn't want to not try and then regret it later that we could have got us back if he had just tried and that is pretty much how I feel to. I don't want to throw away my family life, have to struggle financially, have to spend time away from my children and not try and make things better with my husband cause everyone makes mistakes and it's 1 mistake in 20years but this is hard and painful and giving up does feel like the easier option !

Before this fling we were fine, we were not unhappy but we weren't loved up, we have become parents and lost us and we have amazing family time together we just don't have a lot of quality us time and got to lazy to make time for each other.

We were talking last night and he says he loves me, loves spending time with me, there is no one in the world he would die for, but me but said we are like a camp fire with a small flame and we need to slowly wave a fan and add some fire to make the fire grow again into a roaring one ! (think he must have got that at his counseling session) but i thought it was a great analogy.

I always say to him he is the only person I want around even when I want to be alone as he feel part of me.

It's just so difficult to connect, his depression is so hard for us as he doesn't display a lot of emotions but has said he is going to make a bigger effort to make me see he cares and that want he wants, is for us, to get us back and better then we were before.

I just feel so sad right now.

I don't think a polygraph, even passed with flying colours, could fix all of this.

They are bunkum anyway.

His half refusal to do the thing in the first place and lame excuses why he doesn’t want to should tell you everything you need to know