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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my child's friend and her mum

32 replies

Sockmonster23 · 28/01/2020 23:29

A few months ago I had a spare cinema ticket sland asked my daughter to choose a friend and I know her mum, she is alright quite nice lady but can't make her out too much, her child is on a child protection plan and as far as mum says it's all lies from social workers and everyone else's fault. I will not get into all that. A few days after the cinema mum comes up to me and says your child will not stop following my child around can u have a word. Ok I said, nothing more was said and her child carried on being friends with mine although her mood swings vary, I have noticed she is constantly telling her mum about my daughter doing this and that.

Anyway now apparently my daughter is scaring her. Playing scary games. Ghosts and scary dolls. My daughter says yes they play it at break sometimes but said child joins in and tried to scare her too and they are just playing . She comes round some nights after school and mostly plays ok but has I said this child has mood swings and doesn't seem happy sometimes but seems to want to get dd into trouble constantly. Apparently her daughter is now terrified and its all my daughters fault and also that of the other kids at school. She also told her mum my daughter swore at her when I heard her daughter say arsehole!! I can tell this kid maybe trouble for my daughter.

As a family have had a lot of trouble hence why social are involved but my daughter does like her and tries hard to be her friend but this girl constantly turns things around to her mum and wants to get my daughter in trouble now wants to tell teacher at school.

I have told my daughter to try and play with her less like that at school.

AIBU to stop play dates?

OP posts:
Sharpkat · 28/01/2020 23:42

You might want to get @mnhq to remove the name above.

user1473878824 · 28/01/2020 23:49

....well is your daughter doing any of these things?

BackforGood · 28/01/2020 23:52

How old are they ?

Lionsleepstonight · 28/01/2020 23:52

Life's too short for friendship dramas. I'd ask my DC to back off and stop play dates.

Forcryingoutloudwtf · 28/01/2020 23:54

You really should stop playdates now.

selmabear · 28/01/2020 23:56

YANBU to stop play dates. Sounds cruel perhaps to do so but this child is causing nothing but trouble for you and your daughter. Maybe have a word with the class teacher?

Ttcbabybennett · 28/01/2020 23:58

As sad as it is for the child who is clearly going through some stuff your main concern is protecting your dd and family, the main concern here is the mother seeming to make stories/ exaggerate/ cause drama and blame anyone but her dad... if she’s at battle with social services daily anyway there’s a risk she could start passing blame onto your daughter and dragging social
Services into your life which is a majorly unnecessary stress you could avoid xx

Hellbentwellwent · 29/01/2020 00:02

Stop play dates and go to school with concerns that there could be something brewing that’ll cause issues. Are they in the same class? Can they be moved tables so they’re not beside each other in class time and maybe buddies up with other children on breaks etc?
You’re daughter needs to form some friendships outside of this one as it doesn’t sound healthy

Piixxiiee · 29/01/2020 00:04

Yes obviously you're not happy with the childs behaviour so stop playdates.

Still1nLove · 29/01/2020 00:11

Don't have this chid around for playdates and tell your child, and the school, that they are not to play together

1Morewineplease · 29/01/2020 00:18

I would voice your concerns to your class teacher and avoid any more play dates.
You will have to talk to your daughter but be a tad vague , if you can , else she might say all to her friend which may reach friend’s mum and mum may well change it around to suit her.
I don’t envy you.
Good luck.

Haffiana · 29/01/2020 00:21

Maybe child simply shares her day with her Mum, and her Mum is the one making all the dramas from it.

Is your daughter happy playing with her friend? If so, then don't get dragged into the Mum's story. Rise above it.

Can you not tell the Mum something like 'children's friendships are always up and down at that age aren't they? Best friends one minute and arguing the next'.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/01/2020 00:21

I hope you don’t mind OP, but I’ve reported your thread and asked Mumsnet to edit it, as I think you’ve accidentally named your daughter. Of course that may not be her real name and I’ve just woke them up for nothing. 😁

For what it’s worth, I do think you should speak to the class teacher about your concerns and explain that you’ll be encouraging your daughter to play with other children.

Dayshaview · 29/01/2020 00:25

Yes stop play dates. Don’t go into the reasons if the mum asks. Explain that they have been having some ups and downs with their friendship so some space will be good.

I’d mention it to the teacher so they are aware.

Keep supporting your daughter, instead of telling her to play with this child less maybe suggest she plays with another child more.

GreenTulips · 29/01/2020 00:27

Child maybe using your DD to seek attention from her mother.

I’d watch out Incas the mother blames you for something that happens at your house.

cheesemongery · 29/01/2020 00:34

Cut ties as much as you can. My daughter became best friends with the local coke heads daughter - was a nightmare - one night sleep over turning into 3 for example, my daughter learning inappropriate behaviour from the other girl, my daughter falling behind at school...

It's a shame really as she wasn't a bad kid, but you have to put your own child first.

lisag1969 · 29/01/2020 01:11

Stop them playing together altogether. She is not a friend she is a trouble maker. Social services never get involved for nothing.
Child seems odd. I would not get involved with them. X

Worryworry91 · 29/01/2020 01:27

Yanbu. The other child sounds as if she has a lot going on behind the scenes and the mother too. Encourage your daughter to make other friends but to still be polite and kind to this girl.

Worryworry91 · 29/01/2020 01:31

I also meant to add that you should be very wary of having the girl over for a play date at your house in case she makes something up and tells her mother. You have said she is known to tell lies and cause trouble so beware!

Nomel · 29/01/2020 01:34

You’re getting too involved and it sounds tit fit tat. Talk to your daughter hear her side and if she’s happy to continue them let them sort it themselves if the mum continues on at you about your daughter tell her that you’ll stop the play dates as you don’t want her daughter upset, that will soon show the mums real feelings

Beautiful3 · 29/01/2020 02:05

Stop play dates. Encourage her to play with lots of different friends. Keep away from x mum.

Bluerussian · 29/01/2020 02:06

I would speak to their teacher, confidentially. The teacher and other staff will watch how things go on, especially if a parent broaches the subject. There is a strong possibility that your daughter is not the only one so accused.

Nobody likes going to a teacher about another child but sometimes it is actually helpful. If the child is lying, trying to get others in trouble and obviously wanting to be the centre of attention, she could maybe do with a bit of experienced, gentle counselling - where she would legitimately be the centre of attention for the duration of an appointment. Mum may need the same.

In the meantime do tell your daughter to be very careful not to trigger anything and at the first hint, walk away. She has to protect herself, it's a shame such lessons must be learned while still young.

I hope all is resolved satisfactorily.

Flowers
KC225 · 29/01/2020 02:19

I would stop the playdates for the moment. I wouldn't make a big deal of it with in front of your daughter just say 'not this week' 'maybe it's xyz'ds turn to play' You don't want your daughter saying to the other girl 'my mummy doesn't want you to come over' but it does seem as if the other girl is quite intense about the friendship. At that age there really shouldn't be that amount of drama.

If the girl's mum asks if you have pulled back, tell her after what you've been saying you thought perhaps they could do with some time apart.

Basecamp65 · 29/01/2020 02:30

I would stop play dates - with very young children it is always difficult to know what is really happening - maybe your daughter is going too far and scaring her or upsetting her, maybe the other child is very sensitive, maybe her Mums making it all up.

You will never know but its best for everyone if you keep your distance and try and reduce the friendship. Don't make a big deal out of it just take a step back and encourage other friendships.

I would only speak to the teachers if this does not all fade away.

Daftodil · 29/01/2020 04:13

Rather than stop the play dates, could you invite another child along? The dynamic will change, put less pressure on the 2 girls and will probably mean different games are played rather than the "scary" ones (which at school age probably just involve shouting "boo" at each other rather than anything darker or upsetting). Agree with @Haffiana that maybe child simply shares her day with her Mum, and her Mum is the one making all the dramas from it.

If your DD enjoys the playdates and this other girl has an unsettled family life, it seems a shame to stop play altogether.

I think speaking to the teacher is a good idea too as s/he may be able to keep an eye on them, encourage broader friendship circles or give you more context to the "scary games". The scary games might be a way that the girl is trying to explain her own home life (eg if SS are involved, there may be merit to the teacher hearing some of the scary stories, for example if the girl is talking about a scary man that comes to get her in the dark or something, she might be trying to communicate her own experience and the teacher should be aware).

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