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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my sides and call it quits?

27 replies

allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 18:20

I’ve asked questions on various things about this situation so people may recognise it.
I’ll try my best to make a very long story slightly shorter. Grandad lived very near to my mum all my life, so although I didn’t have a close relationship with him he was always around. He died earlier this month. Mum didn’t really bother with him when he was poorly (she tried to do things for him in the past and he was always ungrateful) I knew he was an abusive father when she was a child and her brother said that he wanted to speak to her when he was really ill. She went and he didn’t say anything remarkable.
He died and afterwards her brother was arguing saying she didn’t bother with him and she’s just jealous as they got money and items from him and she didn’t. It was then revealed that he used to sexually abuse her when she was a child. All hell broke loose and both her brothers were very angry with her and very nasty. One apologised, one didn’t. The one that did apologise I am quite close to and he’s been there for me in the past and I know he cares for me. Mum didn’t go to the funeral but I did, to try and keep the peace and due to the fact mum had promised them she wouldn’t tell me what grandad dad.
They have now all deleted mum and dad off Facebook but kept me, I know it’s only Facebook but to me it speaks volumes.
I’m due to get married soon and they were all invited but I’ve not had one response, leaving a full table empty and potentially a bridesmaid down as all part of that side of the family.
what do I do? Take mums side now and cut ties? Stay civil? I just feel like I don’t know when the point is that I say I’m now standing by mum 100%. I would be sad to lose them but I can’t stand my mum being hurt for something that has not been her fault.

OP posts:
GorkyMcPorky · 28/01/2020 18:23

100% take your mum's side. Family is a coincidence, not an obligation. Fuck them.

GruciusMalfoy · 28/01/2020 18:24

This wouldn't even be a question for me. If they treated my mum like this, after her being so brave as to disclose the abuse, I would cut every single one of them, who treated her poorly, out of my life.

frazzledasarock · 28/01/2020 18:24

I’d have taken my mothers side when I found out. I wouldn’t have gone to his funeral and I wouldn’t invite anyone who is defending a paedophile to my wedding.

Why do you want to let them cause you harm, by purposely playing piggy in the middle?

They’ve kept you on fb so they can see what’s going on in your mothers life and use it to their advantage/gossip.

Cut them off. Invite people who love and support you to your wedding, and have a wonderful happy married life.

MummyFriend · 28/01/2020 18:27

I'd cut them out completely. You need to be there for your Mum. She is the innocent victim in all of this and they're treating her like dirt. If this were me I'd tell them to go to hell.

Drum2018 · 28/01/2020 18:31

I'm surprised you went to the funeral given what you knew about your abusive grandfather. I assume you belive your mother wholeheartedly so therefore you should support her 100% and tell your uncles and the wider family who have blocked your parents to get stuffed. And then block them all on Facebook and all SM. Oh, needless to say you can tell them they are no longer invited to your wedding. If your bridesmaid is siding with them then she should not be at the wedding either. Your mother takes priority.

Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 18:31

Thanks everyone for your responses I appreciate them. The thing that gets me is it wasn’t even poor mum that said it, they were being very nasty to her and dad had taken enough of their shit and told them the truth - poor mum just didn’t deny it as it’s exactly that, the truth. If they were to cut dad out at that point then it would make sense to some extent but to punish poor mum who has done nothing wrong apart from not go to the police 40 years ago.
Should I just tell them it’s best they don’t come to the wedding? I don’t want things to be awkward for my poor mum, we deserve a happy occasion! It gets me cos they have been good to me throughout the years and I’ve ran to them many times but, it’s my mum and you hurt her and you hurt me Sad

OP posts:
DoesNotMixWellWithOtherPeople · 28/01/2020 18:32

Cut them out. Support your Mum.
Enjoy your wedding. Flowers

GreenTulips · 28/01/2020 18:35

I wouldn’t stand by them!

But I assume this is a shock to them? Maybe they question why they didn’t see it or stop it or what their mother did to help?

So many questions!

However I would take you DMs side. She no doubt hurt.

Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 18:39

@GreenTulips they are both younger so they were probably oblivious. Turns out my gran knew as mum moved in with her gran (grandads mum) and she said to her that my mum would not be living with her as he had been ‘interfering’ with her. Apparently threatened to leave him but never did and she died young.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/01/2020 18:45

Who said it if it wasn't your mother?

I'm assuming they were close to their father so accusing him is incest and sexual abuse mid argument about money is clearly been taken by them as a lie and an offence against their father.

You need to support your mother on this. And simply accept its the truth. You also need to understand that they don't wish it to be true, so would rather think badly of your mum

I'd just speak to them and cancel their attendance at the wedding

Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 18:50

@Bluntness My dad said it. She had told him years ago as she needed someone to confined in. I don’t know how he was so civil to grandad I couldn’t have been.
That’s exactly what it is but it’s true and I know it. The brother I am closer too was physically abused by him, think beaten until he wet himself, scars on his hand to this day where they put them in the open fire etc. The other brother got no abuse at all and was golden boy.
I think you have really hit the nail on the head though and thank you for that perspective. They are just in denial and would rather blame mum than admit the truth to themselves as to what kind of a person their father really was. It makes perfect sense, she has always been so protective of me and when gran died she never let me spend time with grandad alone - as I would’ve been the Same age (10) then that mum was when his abuse started.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/01/2020 18:51

Sorry cross post,

Op hearing your father is a paedo who committed incest is not something any one takes easily, blurting it out in anger when arguing about money is usually going to meet with some resistance and horror. In fact the reaction is to protect your parent and attack the accuser.

Unless they are all willing to sit down and discuss it and your mum to explain what happened, then I think uou need to accept the family is split for ever more.

Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 18:53

@Bluntness100 I totally agree with you. Thank you for helping me to see it how it is as with me being involved it’s hard to see it from the outside.
I just feel so hurt for mum, she’s not in a good place and all. It’s so unfair. It was the wrong time to say it and it shouldn’t have been said in anger but it’s the truth so when really is a good time to find out something like that.

OP posts:
Iambloodystarving · 28/01/2020 18:56

Your mum needs support without a doubt. However, her brothers probably also need it. After all, who among us would like to face this about a parent? The abuse may not have stopped at your mum either. There are many possibilities here, all of them heartbreaking and destructive.
There may be a way of accepting the "no show" at your wedding that will not result in schism. You may well be the only bridge left for this family. All while supporting your mum. I do also OP that your DP is supporting you. It is an unpleasant shadow over what should be a joyous occasion.
Congrats by the way! Smile

Iambloodystarving · 28/01/2020 18:57

*I do also?
I do hope OP.....Grin

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2020 19:00

Op, it was your mother's secret to tell. Not your fathers, and your father should have been congniscent of the fact this is the mans children, you can't use something like that as a weapon to hurt them, to score points, which is what he did.

I think he owes them an apology, he should explain he understands that's their father and itnwas wrong of him to tell them like that, and he needs to apologise to your mother, for telling her story when she had for all these years chosen not to, and she needs to explain to them gently what occurred.

If they aren't willing to do that it's not resolvable.

Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 19:02

@Iambloodystarving Thank you. That’s why I’ve been reluctant to cut ties in the hope that there may be hope for her and the brother I am closest to at least. With him getting physical abuse as a child from him I think he has the seed that knows deep down it’s true. The other brother who didn’t get any abuse has him on a pedastool so won’t believe mum ever, I don’t think.
I don’t want to lose them but I don’t want my loyalty to mum ever doubted too as she’s been through enough because of that evil man in her life. Luckily he got the painful death that was coming to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 19:05

@Bluntness100 I understand this and even though they antagonised him he shouldn’t have done it. But it’s the fact that they’re also cutting mum out that is getting me. It was not her doing. They were saying how she wasn’t there for him, she doesn’t care, she was bitter and clearly that was the reason why and I think dad had just had enough of them speaking to her like shit as they didn’t know what their father really was. I see both sides in that respect but it wasn’t mums fault so why punish her too.

OP posts:
Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 19:06

I also have a feeling dad has already said it shouldn’t have come out like it did to the brother who I’m closer to. They had a long phone conversation after it had happened and it wasn’t with raised voices. I think he said it shouldn’t have come out in that way but he was goaded and had had enough of mum being made to be the bad guy.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 28/01/2020 19:13

What does your mum think should happen wedding wise?
What in your mind is the outcome you want wedding wise?
Are the two answers the same/very similar?

Original poster
allcoloursoftherainbow · 28/01/2020 20:26

@happytoday73 mum just said to not be surprised if they don’t turn up and that she’s sorry cos it’s all her fault (it’s not)
She doesn’t want me to fall out with anyone but it’s hard.
I just want everyone to be getting on and none of this to have happened! But in reality I just want everyone to feel comfortable and that they can relax on the day, and given the current situation I’m not sure if that’ll be a possibility if they’re there.

OP posts:
foodandwine89 · 28/01/2020 20:53

You can’t make people get on. And by trying to appease your uncles, you’re hurting your mum even more and making her feel even worse. Defend your mum, stand by her and accept you cannot control what 2 grown men do. The best thing you can do is to say to your mum that you don’t care if they come and you are happy to have her there as your mum. Re-organize the seating and stuff. Stop feeding the drama. The man was a paedophile and these 2 men are defending him. The victim is getting very little consideration in all this.

Coyoacan · 28/01/2020 21:04

Obviously you have to take your mother's side. You could write to them and explain how you feel, being grateful for the kindness they have personally shown you, but that you cannot accept them punishing your mother for being the victim of a paedophile.

Iambloodystarving · 28/01/2020 21:13

I have to agree with foodandwine. Why not proceed as if they are not coming and then if minds change slot them in. Stop talking about their non attendance. Now that your mums secret is out I am sure she feels very vulnerable. Wrap her up! The wedding is about toot and about her as your mother. Celebrate each other.

mansviewpoint · 28/01/2020 21:15

Please if you feel you can, pass this onto your Mum. Your mum has nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be sorry for. She was a child and a victim of anything which happened, and unfortunately she has lived with this huge burden her whole life, which goes to show how strong she is. She has been able to bring up a child, and through her strength she has tried to keep helping her family. She is stronger than she will ever realise, because she survived, because she carried on and because she will now be able to carry on without this silent burden. She might not realise any of this at the moment but she is amazing.
....
If you get married and your mum is putting on a brave face at the wedding then that's not good for either of you. There is no point in having people there who don't get along.

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