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Original poster

My parents & eldest son support my ex not me

38 replies

Elvis2105 · 28/01/2020 16:18

I split from my ex husband 14 months ago.Instantly my parents took his side not speaking to me for 5 months-we had split as I wasn't happy being neglected in the marriage for his numerous hobbies & lack of interest in me
Although hes their stepdad he still has a relationship with my kids which is great however he goes for lunch at my parents every Sunday-its s year since I was at their house
3 months after the split I met a wonderful man who only wants to be with me-my sons wedding is 6 months away & although he helped them move house my son & his fiancee have banned him from their wedding citing awkwardness as a reason-ive asked if he can come on the evening but it's a flat no
I feel disappointed in my son that hes putting my ex's feelings ahead of my own he even said 'Your feelings dont matter' my ex has previously threatened my new man via text
I'm going to the wedding but I'm not sure whether to leave in the evening to leave my ex play happy families with my parents
I'm very hurt

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 28/01/2020 16:20

That's awful shitty behaviour from your parents. I would just cut contact completely with them tbh if they treated me that way

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/01/2020 16:21

Wow! That has to be hard time live with. Your son I can understand but your parents?

What have they ever said to you about their behaviour? That's really a very odd thing for parent to do! And I say that as a child of very odd parents!

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 16:23

Your parents are shit, they really are. I don’t know how anyone can drop their own child like a sack of potatoes and side with their ex instead, it makes no sense.

I can, however, understand your DS’s perspective. It will make things awkward and he obviously doesn’t want the fall out on his wedding day.

Apirateslifeforme · 28/01/2020 16:23

No wonder you're hurt.
I can understand your sons reaction, as his wishes are to have his step dad at his wedding, and he wont be there if you turn up with new man.
For that one day I'd say maybe go, be there and enjoy your sons wedding, and do as he asks for the day. Its about him for that day.

Have you spoken with your parents about the way they've been? Why have they taken his side? I'd feel quite upset about that myself.

okiedokieme · 28/01/2020 16:24

I can see why your son only wants his stepdad, he doesn't want awkwardness on the day. Pretty sure my kids would be the same on that time scale

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 28/01/2020 16:27

Did your parents know why you split up or did ex get in first with a sob story? Cos I don't understand why, unless they're just shitty people, they would side with him.

I'm also not sure what you mean about your new man only wanting to be with you. Does he not want your son visiting you?

saraclara · 28/01/2020 16:29

Your son is right to keep his wedding as free as possible from family stress. It's already going to be difficult enough for him with the relationships between you, your ex and your parents. The last thing he needs is new man and ex under the same roof.

Why are your parents supporting ex? What do they think you did wrong?

saraclara · 28/01/2020 16:32

Oh, and you not going to the evening do is only going to make him things worse. That sends a terrible and public message that you don't care about your son, whether that's your intention or not.

Brazi103 · 28/01/2020 16:36

Looking at it from your sons POV, he wants his dad there. And you moved on pretty fast after the split so why your partner be anything to them? Your son is right in that he wants a peaceful wedding. You've painted a picture of yourself Vs them but have you looked at what's best for your son? Sounds like theres more to this.

Notonthestairs · 28/01/2020 16:37

I think you ought to take the wedding on the chin and do your best to be there for most of the day - and do it in good grace. The wedding should be focused on your child and their fiancé. You've presumably had your own wedding and chose guests and will know how hard it is to accommodate everyone's wishes.

Don't know what to say about your parents as it does seem very disloyal of them - do they think you cheated on your ex?

Stompythedinosaur · 28/01/2020 16:41

I think your ds is being reasonable tbh. I think you should stay for the evening, it isn't about you.

It seems really strange to me that your ex and parents get together. We're you together a long time? Were they close then?

Tara336 · 28/01/2020 16:45

This is similar behaviour to my parents, I left my husband after a very unhappy marriage and rather than support me, I spent my first Christmas out of the marriage alone while they had my husband round for lunch. They saw/see nothing wrong with their behaviour and apparently it is not my business. When I met someone new they would not allow him to visit their home and refused to meet him for over a year. I don’t know why they behaved like this (still do in some ways) I just wanted you to know it’s not just you that has to put up with this kind of crap. Your son I understand a little as he doesn’t want a scene on his wedding day and wants to minimise the risk, that’s not a reflection on you at all, let him have a worry free happy day

Funkycats · 28/01/2020 16:46

Your parents' behaviour is very hurtful. I would be upset too.
Re the wedding, I would act with good grace, put your son's feelings first and go alone. I know it's hard.
But your parents sound awful. Concentrate on your relationship with your son x

pallisers · 28/01/2020 16:47

Your parents are being horrible. They should have supported you.

I would say nothing more to your son. In fact I would tell him you completely understand where he is coming from and there is not problem at all. Say you are really looking forward to his wedding, thrilled for him etc. Go, enjoy it, be happy, stay till the end. Go over to your parents and say hello to them and your ex (if he is sitting with them) with a big smile and then walk off to your cousins/aunts/friends/whoever.

Your new boyfriend is very new. It is fine for your son not to want him at the wedding. He may feel differently in 6 months time - but I certainly wouldn't ask him again.

SlatternIsTrying · 28/01/2020 16:48

The only time I have seen this happen before - parents siding with the ex - it turned out the daughter had been economical with the truth when she was telling everyone else about the split. She was nowhere near as innocent as she portrayed and the parents new rightly.

I’m not saying you are lying OP, I’m just suggesting that there may be another version of events.

IntermittentParps · 28/01/2020 16:49

I disagree that the wedding thing is understandable. My divorced parents (divorced only in my adult lifetime, not for decades) recently both attended my nephew's – their grandson's – wedding. Both were with their new partners.

They stayed away from one another. It was a bit weird going between them to chat etc, sure, but my nephew and his wife do not take sides and clearly decided that was better than one of them not going/not being invited.

The 'awkwardness' at the wedding would only be because your parents and son have turned on you and your new partner and because your ex has threatened your new partner. None of it has been caused by you and him.

Was the threatening text reported to the police? If not, do it now.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/01/2020 16:49

The whole thing is weird. Really weird. Your parents sound horrible and spiteful, and your ex is a flat-out nutter.

There must be one hell of a back story...

Incidentally, my exHs father refused to come to our wedding because he didnt like exHs mum... they'd been divorced for 25+ years at that point. I carried a lot of resentment towards him for that, for a long time. Dont be him. Be there for your son.

MouthBreathingRage · 28/01/2020 16:49

There are separate issues here. It's very odd your parents have 'taken his side's, is there a reason for that? Unless you left him completely out of the blue/cheated, it's very hurtful that they have been taking his side in this way.

Your son I'm more understanding of. He seems to have a parental relationship with your ex, and I wouldn't want to upset my dad by inviting the guy you very quickly moved on with. I'm guessing they all have their suspicions that you may have had a 'cross over period' between the two, even if that's not the truth. Three months between dumping your husband and 'finding a wonderful man would be difficult for most close family members to process. I'd go to the whole wedding and not make a further fuss about it, it's a day for family and that evidently doesn't include your new partner.

IntermittentParps · 28/01/2020 16:51

Also, your new partner helped your son move house. It is very ungracious to accept that help and then ban him from the wedding.

TheDeep · 28/01/2020 16:52

There must be more to this...

Josette77 · 28/01/2020 16:54

Your DS is doing the right thing. You leaving the wedding is awful. You've only known this new man a year, and he doesn't need to be there.

Why have your parents taken your ex's side? What would they say?

PGtipsplease · 28/01/2020 16:54

I can understand why he doesn’t want him at the wedding. It’s his day and he is still obviously close with his step dad.

Why have your parents done that? What conversations have you had with them about it?

Bluetrews25 · 28/01/2020 16:55

Parents probably think you should have stuck it out.....it wasn't that bad. Then maybe they also think that a woman only leaves a marriage if she has cheated, and you got together with your now DP fairly rapidly, confirming this in their eyes. You can deny it all you like, but 'you would say that, wouldn't you'. And Ex has probably pushed this POV too, as it is easier to be wronged than to be the cause.

HelgaHere1 · 28/01/2020 16:59

Is ex the son they always wanted? Or seen as a friend?
That doesn't excuse their attitude to you.
I've just read a problem page story in the Times mag which is similar. The answer is to socialise with family other than just formal occasions.
Weddings are too long imv who wants to chat for 6 hours. Invite children over for Sunday lunch to socialise withnew DP.

Cath2907 · 28/01/2020 17:01

Your parents are really strange!!!

I'd assume your boyfriend of 18 months would be at least given an evening invite. Does your ex have a new partner and are they invited?

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