Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My parents & eldest son support my ex not me

38 replies

Elvis2105 · 28/01/2020 16:18

I split from my ex husband 14 months ago.Instantly my parents took his side not speaking to me for 5 months-we had split as I wasn't happy being neglected in the marriage for his numerous hobbies & lack of interest in me
Although hes their stepdad he still has a relationship with my kids which is great however he goes for lunch at my parents every Sunday-its s year since I was at their house
3 months after the split I met a wonderful man who only wants to be with me-my sons wedding is 6 months away & although he helped them move house my son & his fiancee have banned him from their wedding citing awkwardness as a reason-ive asked if he can come on the evening but it's a flat no
I feel disappointed in my son that hes putting my ex's feelings ahead of my own he even said 'Your feelings dont matter' my ex has previously threatened my new man via text
I'm going to the wedding but I'm not sure whether to leave in the evening to leave my ex play happy families with my parents
I'm very hurt

OP posts:

fairlyplump · 28/01/2020 17:12

Quite simply, its not your wedding, son can invite who he wants, and is bound to want to put his father albeit step first rather than your man

Upstartcrones · 28/01/2020 17:43

Are you being upfront about the timeline OP? 3 months is very fast.

Plus your new boyfriend has only known your son 11 months max (assuming you introduced them really fast) and I'm sure his SDad has been in his life a very long time.

Can you not see how it looks from the outside and why your son might feel this way?

SuperPixie247 · 28/01/2020 17:44

OP it would shine you a very bad light if you sloped off halfway through your sons wedding to go be with your boyfriend.

It is one day/night, I am sure your relationship will cope. I am not sure your relationship with your son would.

MissSueDenim · 28/01/2020 17:50

OP, in the grand scheme of things your relationship is still very new, you’ve only known the new man for 11 months which is no time at all - please do not jeopardise your relationship with your son for a relationship that may not last. You are currently in the honeymoon stage at the moment but as you know for yourself since you’re divorced, relationships don’t always last. In a few years the new man might be long gone but your son will always remember that you created tension / left his wedding early.

Also from your son’s point of view, your ex is his step father & not his biological father so he may have a fear of losing him completely - you on the other hand will always be his mum so although it’s not fair, he may feel more secure upsetting you iyswim.

MurrayTheMonk · 29/01/2020 06:44

Your sons stance is understandable. His wedding is about him and his new wife not you-and he should be able to have who he wants there. It's one night-don't make it a big deal.

Your parents are being beyond shitty. My parents sided with my exh for a little while when we split up (before they found out about his behaviour prior to our split)-I found it incredibly hurtful and although they have since apologised it has changed my relationship with them hugely. I find it quite hard to forgive and I've told them so. I vent imagine ever siding with my girls future partners over them really-so I don't understand that behaviour.

Basecamp65 · 29/01/2020 07:18

I can understand the comments that this must be hurtful from your parents - but tbh it implies there is much more to this. Especially with your sons reaction as well.

I wonder what they would say if they came on here?

Patte · 29/01/2020 07:32

I've known parents take a ex child in law's side. But I've only known it happen when the child had behaved terribly to their ex (cheating, abuse, etc.) I suspect one of you is twisting the truth; either you here, or him to your parents, and maybe to your kids. As I don't know either of you, I don't know which is more likely.

Either that, or both your parents and your son are quite odd. Which seems less likely.

MurrayTheMonk · 29/01/2020 07:37

Or else-as in my case the parents think the son shines out of the ex son in laws arse for no real reason at all, and can't accept that their daughter doesn't anymore for reasons of her own? Or they are judge about 'people giving up on marriages'? Just because you don't have experience of something yourself doesn't mean it doesn't happen...

In my case I'm fairly introverted and had a bit of a complicated relationship with my mum who has always been hugely critical of me. Exh was extroverted, charming and everything she admires-ie he earns a lot. So they thought my splitting up with him was just more evidence of my own stupidity-and because they believed his version of events-until it transcribed incontrovertibly that the version of himself he was presenting to them was false.
Why are we assuming the OP is at fault?

LittleDragonGirl · 29/01/2020 07:45

Your parents sound awful. My DH parents are like this with his ex (although they hated her when they where together as she stopped him having contact with his family and was abusive), and it's always been well known that I'm not welcome.
Unfortunately it's something weve had to live with and weve learnt to just be civil with them. They got better when Dh cut them out for 9months, but although he speaks/sees them every few months, he keeps the relationship very civil and basic for his own sanity.

MachineBee · 29/01/2020 07:48

OP - you need to tell you parents the reasons for your break up, ideally with a trusted family friend or relative who will confirm your side of things.

My parents kept in contact with my ExH after we split. My Dad even carried on playing golf with him. I’d told my Mum about how my ExH was abusive, controlling and a serial cheater and all she kept saying was it was such a shame we’d spilt.

After my Mum died I mentioned the reasons for my divorce to my Dad with my DSis present (who confirmed my side of things) and he said he had always wondered why we split as he knew nothing about the abuse etc. Mum had never told him - I expected her to as she always told him everything.

From that moment Dad significantly reduced his contact with ExH to just family gatherings involving his DGCs.

As PPs say, your Ex may have got in with a sob story first, but they need the truth.

Re your son’s wedding, just go for the whole thing alone and enjoy yourself. Make sure your face aches at the end from smiling.

Quartz2208 · 29/01/2020 07:53

I think your son sees your ex as his Dad and given it’s a fairly new relationship doesn’t want your partner there. Please let this one go it’s the same as if he was

potter5 · 29/01/2020 07:57

your feelings don't matter - that was a bit harsh from your son. Of course your feelings matter. I think that you should go to the wedding. It's only 1 day out of your life. Then NC your parents. They should be supporting you, their daughter. Do they know the real reason why you split up?

differentnameforthis · 29/01/2020 07:58

I am assuming your son and your ex had a good relationship, and therefore your son feels a sense of loyalty towards him? I think it is good that he wants to invite his SD, and of course he doesn't awkwardness at the one of the most special days of his life.

You are being selfish expecting your son to choose between you and your ex. I am sure you can cope one day without seeing your new man.

Flip

1 2