WWYD regarding bitey child at nursery

[FrenchtoEnglish]

So, I had a bit of a meltdown at nursery this morning and I'm feeling embarrassed. My DD keeps coming home with bite marks and scratches. There's a nail mark on her cheek that's been there for months now and I'm worried she'll always have it.

I know which kid is doing it. A little girl, the same age (2.5). She has two older brothers and she's a very nasty, pushy, violent little girl. I know that sounds harsh, but whenever I see her she's doing something horrible to some poor sod.

My little one is an only child, very smiley, always dancing and singing and getting involved in whatever's going on. She's not all sweetness and light, she has her moments, but she's not a natural fighter.

She came home with a bitemark on her hand yesterday. It looked like it must have really hurt.

I've mentioned this to nursery staff before, but it's a progressive, inclusive, Montessouri-style place (I'm in France) and they've just explained that because the children can't speak well yet, they express themselves in other ways. OK, I get that... but shouldn't they be doing something more? Does the girl's mother know? How can I help my kid get through they day? Am I over-reacting? I cried this morning at the director of the place and I'm feeling like a bit of a dick now. She told me I needed to go home and have a rest!

I live in the middle of nowhere, I'm a single parent and there are no other childcare options I would feel comfortable with. This is a bi-lingual creche with organic food, eco-friendly, outdoorsey, music, dance, art, theatre trips, wonderful atmosphere, all-singing-all-dancing arty-farty wooden-toy wonderland. I could only dream of having somewhere like this in the UK.

I know how lucky I am and don't want to come across as a whinger... but what can I do about this?

Bloody hell, it is utterly unacceptable to allow children to 'express themselves' by hurting other kids. Ask them what they'll be doing in future to keep your DD safe from this child, and ask to view the accident book record of the incident.

When my child was biting (a definite low) aged about 3 our wonderful preschool made sure he was tracked for a few days. And discovered that the child being targeted (wrongly of course) had been pushing DS over when unobserved. They were separated and DS stopped biting. If there hadn’t been the observation done then the trigger wouldn’t have been found and it would have been much worse all round. Are your nursery doing that (I don’t know if they’d tell you if they were although it was pretty obvious to the adults in our case, if not to the DCs).

I'd be upset by my child being injured frequently too. I think it would be odd not to care about it. It doesn't matter whether the child can help it or not. The staff need to find a way of keeping your child safe. I've got 2 teenagers and i don't think you are being in any way pfb about it

I don't think you were being a dick, I think it is totally reasonable to expect for your dc to be safe at nursery.

I think you are being unreasonable describing a 2.5yo in the way you did, and for implying that number of siblings has anything to do with whether a child is violent (it isnt).

I would go back and ask if the nursery has a plan of how to keep your child safe, as she has come home with injuries on several occasions. Don't mention the other dc at all, how they manage her is not your concern as long as your dc is safe.

I’m in the U.K. and this is the practice at my nursery too. We aren’t told who has committed the “crime” but you are told if it’s your child doing it.
I’d want to know if the child’s mother knows...
expression is ok but not if your child is repeatedly getting injured.

The nursery ought to explain to you what they are doing to help prevent it happening again. For example, closer supervision of the biting child, working on why it’s happening (eg is the child getting overtired or needs help with speech development) etc.

Having said that, biting and other injuries do happen amongst 2.5 year olds at (I’d bet) every nursery in the world, even with the best supervision. So be prepared that the nursery may be able to reduce the incidents but not completely eradicate them.

You say “how can I help my kid get through the day”. Is your child actually scared? Most children tend to be unbothered about such incidents by about 10 minutes after they happen. I would suggest you don’t make a massive deal about it to your child, just tell her to tell a teacher immediately if it happens again.

I'd be looking for another nursery, is there no other option?

Kids bite. It's a phase. I've got twins, one bit and the other didn't although thankfully she mostly only bit her sister.

It is unacceptable for them to say it just happens, they need a plan in place and you should be in the loop. I'd give up on the organic, natural, nature visits ethos and find somewhere that is willing to protect the children in their care.

I think they're very hands-on and everything is detailed in reports. I was told she'd been bitten yesterday, but that they hadn't seen who'd done it. But, it's always the same girl.

This morning, I said that I would want to know if my DD was biting or doing anything to this girl to wind her up. And then, I would talk to her about it.

This nursery is highly subsidised and as part of the contract, all parents have to "work" there for at least an hour a week, so I've seen how they deal with behaviour issues ("I do not agree with what you are doing, please explain in words..." or "Jean-Pierre doesn't want you to push him" etc.). It's all very soft, nobody ever raises their voices. I like how they do things... it's how I try to do things at home... but now I'm wondering whether I should be teaching my kid karate instead!

I absolutely think its unacceptable behavior.

You are paying this company and the staff to keep your child in a happy, secure and safe environment and they ought to do so.

It infuriates me when children are let off with bad behavior and those that exhibit good behavior are just expected to put up with it.

I would ask for a meeting and say you want something done or else you will be making a formal complaint. Has the other parents been notified, what exactly is being done to prevent this type of behavior.

My ds went through a biting phase at nursery - it was awful for everyone, but the nursery took steps to see when he did it and to reduce those flare points. It was a developmental stage when he couldn't say what he wanted to, and he grew out of it and never did it again. Not much you can do as parents if they don't do it outside of the setting either when they are so little, and tbh talking it through with them and not using raised voices is all you can do.

Yes, I agree that I wasn't particularly pleasant when describing the girl. I'm not normally that unkind, but I'm feeling anxious about it all today. Kids bite. I know that. I don't know how upset my DD is. Yesterday I was told that she'd cried and they'd given her some "magic granules" (arnica). But in the car, she told me that the girl was not "bery bery nice" and she did seem sad.

I also think I'm over-sensitive.

My kids also went to a lovely Montessori place and TBH if you’re prepared to call a 2 year-old nasty and violent then this is not a good fit for you. The child is two.

It's unacceptable from the nursery, but tbh describing a small child as:

a very nasty, pushy, violent little girl

Is equally unacceptable.

I think it is more the fault of the nursery than the child. The nursery is allowing your child to be bitten and scratched. Once or twice is unfortunate. Repeatedly is negligent. They should be separating them, keeping a watchful eye, preventing it. I would not be happy with my child spending her days in an environment in which she can actually expect to be hurt frequently. I would move her if it isn't resolved today.

Unfortunately some children bite and it's horrible when it happens to your child but it is common in nurseries. Other than explaining to the child it's wrong and informing the parents there is very little they can do. Most nurseries don't have enough staff for there to be 1:1 for children.
Do you think there is something else they can do? If so I'd bring it up with them. I do know it's not nice as my daughter was bitten a lot by one child in the toddler room. Lasted 3 months and then it stopped. It's a stage that won't last forever and a lot of it is frustration that they either can't say what is wrong or they can't have what they want. Once they are,able to speak more and make adults,aware of their wants biting becomes less common.

Unacceptable. DS was a biter and nursery took swift action backed up by us at home.

Yes they can't communicate well but nursery need to stop the customs being harmed.

Victims not custom ffs

Also my nephew went to a Montessori nursery and I adore him (he's 16 now) but by god he was a challenging and aggressive toddler.

The nursery were brilliant and protected the other kids whilst showing him how to behave in a positive way. It's lazy by the nursery imo.

MoonlightBonnet - Well, it's not as if I called her that to her face or even said it in front of my daughter. I voiced it on an anonymous forum - on a day when I'm particularly upset about my child being hurt. This girl IS more aggressive than the other children. I perhaps didn't choose my words wisely, but her behaviour is worrying and I would be trying to sort it out if I was her mother. My DD went through a phase of pulling the cat's tail and I talked to her every day... and she doesn't do it now.

Its not just that they aren't dealing with how this affects your DD; its also that this behaviour would raise a concern with me about the other child's home life.

Wouldn’t be happy with that at all. Biting though common is horrid and unacceptable and requires firm decisive action from all adults involved.

Dd2 the easiest pleasantest child went through a biting stage at this age. Every time she did it (always her older sister who never bit) I said a firm no and shut her in the porch for a few minutes. I saw my friend use that for hitting and it was quite effective. The lovey dovey approach to this would get right on my nerves

Although whenever she saw another child being violent she would whisper “he needs to go in the porch”

The 'expressing herself ( ie communicating) is fine as a way of explaining why she does it but they should be putting things in place to stop your child being hurt as well as supporting the other child to communicate in better ways.

Your description of the child was 'off'. This could have been your child doing those things.

Agree with MsTSwift. When dd went through a hitting stage i put her in the travel cot in the same room for a minute when she did it. It worked. The lovey dovey approach is all very well but it results in vulnerable children being hurt a lot more than they would if firm consequences were put in place.

This morning, I said that I would want to know if my DD was biting or doing anything to this girl to wind her up. And then, I would talk to her about it.
At that age talking about it after the event has very little effect. They don't think "I'll bite someone today" as they go in. They bite because of the situation they are in at that point, and it's not a rational thought process.

It is upsetting, but as others have said, it could be your child next week. The worst bite I ever saw came from a sweet little 4yo, who never said boo to a goose and had never done it before. Serious chunks taken out of an arm and a big permanent (still there 14 years later anyway) scar.

How do you know it's always the same child? The nursery isn't telling you. Children are quick to blame the same child at that age, especially if they get a reaction off parents for it.
I remember when one of mine was reception she told me a long story on how "Jamie" had hurt someone that day, and I pointed out he'd been off that day, and she looked confused and said "but it always is him".
I spoke to the teacher about it, and she commented that was typical at that age that the children tended to blame the same child, even if they weren't there, or it had happened in front of the teacher who saw it wasn't.