WWYD regarding bitey child at nursery

[FrenchtoEnglish]

So, I had a bit of a meltdown at nursery this morning and I'm feeling embarrassed. My DD keeps coming home with bite marks and scratches. There's a nail mark on her cheek that's been there for months now and I'm worried she'll always have it.

I know which kid is doing it. A little girl, the same age (2.5). She has two older brothers and she's a very nasty, pushy, violent little girl. I know that sounds harsh, but whenever I see her she's doing something horrible to some poor sod.

My little one is an only child, very smiley, always dancing and singing and getting involved in whatever's going on. She's not all sweetness and light, she has her moments, but she's not a natural fighter.

She came home with a bitemark on her hand yesterday. It looked like it must have really hurt.

I've mentioned this to nursery staff before, but it's a progressive, inclusive, Montessouri-style place (I'm in France) and they've just explained that because the children can't speak well yet, they express themselves in other ways. OK, I get that... but shouldn't they be doing something more? Does the girl's mother know? How can I help my kid get through they day? Am I over-reacting? I cried this morning at the director of the place and I'm feeling like a bit of a dick now. She told me I needed to go home and have a rest!

I live in the middle of nowhere, I'm a single parent and there are no other childcare options I would feel comfortable with. This is a bi-lingual creche with organic food, eco-friendly, outdoorsey, music, dance, art, theatre trips, wonderful atmosphere, all-singing-all-dancing arty-farty wooden-toy wonderland. I could only dream of having somewhere like this in the UK.

I know how lucky I am and don't want to come across as a whinger... but what can I do about this?

So one of my children will bite.
He started nursery aged 2 and I was so anxious that he would bite another child, but thankfully he hasn’t (yet).
The thing is, we did ‘punish’ him every time he bit.
Once he even bite a friend who came over when he went to give him a cuddle. I was mortified.
We started with soft punishments, like saying no, naughty step, making him say sorry etc but it didn’t work.
I was determined to stop him doing it, so I stepped up the consequences. ‘If you bite then you will not get x’. He’s 2 and he understands.
If he does bite now, we bypass the naughty step (ineffective) and go straight to quiet time in his cot, which he hates. He doesn’t like being separated and he doesn’t like being in his cot when he’s not asleep.
It’s worked.
We also did other things like praising his good behaviour, rewards for telling me something was wrong (rather then biting), consistently reminding him not to bite.
The nursery need to come up with a plan of how to deal with this child, how to protect the others and how to reassure parents they are doing something. Their response is far too passive. They should be doing some sort of shadowing or monitoring to understand what is triggering it and removing her from the situation before she has a chance to bite. At the moment there’s no incentive for the child to stop.
Oh and I don’t think your language is bad when describing the other child. My older child got bitten once, leaving a bruise for a week. I was pretty pissed off at the child and the parent who did very little. Surely most people know that gut wrenching feeling when their child is hurt?

Thanks Witchend - Yes, what you say makes sense. It could well be my child next week. We'd all like to think it wouldn't be ours, but I've seen her with the cat from time to time and she lives very much in the moment and have no idea of how much something hurts.

It has been this girl in the past because I've seen it happen. But, I think my DD might well now be used to saying it was *Marie-Claire. There could be a bit of that.

I feel a bit calmer now and more rational. They're only toddlers and I'm going to have to brace myself for school (they start at three here) and not be as sensitive. I think I suffer a bit from "my child is perfect" syndrome" sometimes.

There is nothing in the Montessori ethos which involves children biting each other.

Find another nursery.

Thank you Molly! I feel a if I can go into nursery now and speak to the director properly (without crying - I really must have looked a bit of a drip this morning).
At home, I have "consequences" too. We say sorry to each other and there's a blue "thinking chair" which DD has to sit on in the hallway for a couple of minutes if she's done something unkind (cat torture or throwing food across the room or trying to climb up the bookshelf - unkind or unsafe actions). At nursery, it tends to be a lot softer than that. And perhaps it doesn't always work. I'm on the PTA and do a lot of voluntary work for them, so I feel I could bring it up now at a meeting and do so with a bit less drama and give them some ideas as to how to manage it.
I also want to make sure her parents know. I would want to know.

I saw my own daughter push a baby over at soft play and we had a big talk about it in the car and went home straight away. I don't know how much of it she understood... but she heard "we don't push babies" a few dozen times in the car and wasn't happy about going home.

Glad you're feeling a bit better OP, but also, don't panic about starting school. From my experience, PS is very much like nursery, and just a little more structured towards inculcating interpersonal skills and getting them ready for learning later.

YANBU. Ive been there and it’s horrible when your child comes home with a bite mark. To be bitten is much worse than being slapped for instance, teeth can do a lot of damage - the jaw is very strong even at that age and they child is question is obviously in a real rage to be doing that.
The child should be given time out every time she does it and explained why she is being separated. It’s all well and good being happy clappy and organic this and that but if the basic rules of behaviour are not in place how can these children be expected to learn its not ok?
And too right her mum should be told - I would approach her directly (politely of course) if the nursery will not do so.

When dd2 bit there was no aggression whatsoever she thought it was funny

does the nursery have a proper health and safety/ first aid protocol.
any bite that break the skin should be taken for medical assessment.
human /animal bites can be dangerous and often cause infection.
they need immediate medical attention.

It is a normal developmental phase. It’s still the nursery’s responsibility to prevent bites. The child in question needs to be shadowed. An adult should be watching for situations where the biter is likely to strike and step in before anyone gets bitten.

I hope you manage to sort things to your own satisfaction.
DD has been at either end of the biting teeth.
3 or 4 times, she came back from nursery with bite marks, nursery told me when I picked her up, and they made a concerted effort to keep the buyer away from DD.

However, DD has bitten (the same child) twice. Nursery told me immediately, but were very honest when they told me that the reason was that the boy who had been bitten, had snatched the book, that DD had been pretending to read, from her hands. And he'd done it twice. But never again
I got the impression that the nursery staff were slightly amused at DDs response. She's POSSESSIVE about books. And it was totally out of character for her.

There are lots of children for whom timeout and punishment strategies are not going to stop biting. The key is working out why a child is persistently biting or hitting etc.

OP you should stick to "You have a duty to keep my child safe" and not get involved in suggesting strategies of how to manage the other child's behaviour