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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not answer the door?

29 replies

Thebearwentoverthemountain · 28/01/2020 09:30

Was due to meet my parents this week as I do every week but I’ve sent them a message to cancel as I feel like shit.

I have a feeling they will want to come over anyway and have a tendency to just show up unannounced or give me a 5 minute warning.

My house is a shit tip and I just don’t want company today.

If they do show up unannounced can I just not answer the door? It drives me mad and they know I don’t like it!

It comes across like they think their time is more important than mine.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 28/01/2020 09:33

Dont answer it you have cancelled therefore no one should be coming

Put loud music on or go swimming get outside today if you can winter intensifies shitty feelings in my case

CripsSandwiches · 28/01/2020 09:34

They're being very rude to show up unannounced so I would just not answer the door. What if you're asleep in bed ill do they just expect you to wake up to entertain them?

MsChatterbox · 28/01/2020 09:34

Don't answer. Say phone was on silent and you were trying to sleep off illness. Close curtains!

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2020 09:36

Send another message...

"Oh btw, please don't pop over as I'm too ill and I'll be sleeping".

Drum2018 · 28/01/2020 09:42

I'd send another message as suggested.

Oh btw, please don't pop over as I'm too ill and I'll be sleeping

Otherwise if you don't answer if they call, they could end up thinking you're very ill and panic, call an ambulance or barge in.

opticaldelusion · 28/01/2020 09:44

This is mumsnet. Where doors are sealed shut and phones are never answered and even looking in someone's direction requires an appointment.

PsychosonicCindy · 28/01/2020 09:45

I'd be gutted to think that one day one of my children might leave me stood on the doorstep ignoring me just because their house was a bit untidy or they are under the weather. Really sad.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 28/01/2020 09:46

It isnt unreasonable to ask to not be disturbed

Shockers · 28/01/2020 09:47

They are your parents- they don’t care whether your house is a mess- they care about you!

RandomUser3049 · 28/01/2020 09:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 28/01/2020 09:47

Oh btw, please don't pop over as I'm too ill and I'll be sleeping".

^^
I agree with this. You won’t be able to relax otherwise, and some people just need telling specifically.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 28/01/2020 09:48

To pps saying why don’t you want company - some people don’t, especially when they are ill. Introverts in particular.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 28/01/2020 09:52

I'd be gutted to think that one day one of my children might leave me stood on the doorstep ignoring me just because their house was a bit untidy or they are under the weather

Conversely, you could respect your offspring's wishes and not turn up on their doorstep when they've cancelled a plan to meet up because they'd rather have some peace and quiet to recuperate.

user163578742 · 28/01/2020 09:55

Just because they are her parents doesn't mean the op loses the right to decline a visit!

Original poster
Thebearwentoverthemountain · 28/01/2020 09:56

Thanks all.

Doesn’t look like my parents will be popping over. Yay.

And no I’m not depressed and although the house is messy today it isn’t usually Grin we have an 11 month old who is a little tornado. I’m going to try tidy when she goes for a nap it’s just I’m 23 weeks pregnant, feeling sick and crampy and DD has a cold.

My parents would make a judgement if they saw the house a mess and my mum has commented on it before. They did the same with my brother (who has SEN) when he got out of hospital instead of offering to help.

My mum especially will just talk at me for the duration of my time here. It’s a very one sided conversation and it’s usually her moaning about the same thing so I wasn’t in the mood for it today either

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 28/01/2020 09:59

I'd be gutted to think that one day one of my children might leave me stood on the doorstep ignoring me just because their house was a bit untidy or they are under the weather. Really sad.

This says far more about you than it does about the OP.

OP wouldn't be leaving them on the doorstep - she has cancelled and if they turn up and insist on waiting, they're leaving themselves on the doorstep.

It sounds like the OP's parents don't respect her boundaries (to the point where she has to ask MN whether it's ok to say no to them).

That you would force yourself on your child like that against their wishes is selfish and controlling.

Willow2017 · 28/01/2020 10:00

I'd be gutted to think that one day one of my children might leave me stood on the doorstep ignoring me just because their house was a bit untidy or they are under the weather. Really sad.

If your child had cancelled you visiting because they didnt feel.well (or for any reason tbh) what makes you think your demands to see someone trump thier right to chose not to see you?
Op nor any of your kids are not obliged bow down to anyone else's demands in their own home, even you.

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 10:03

My Mum is the same OP, I rolled my eyes at the comment about parents caring about you and not how messy your house is because my Mum is like yours and she definitely would pass comment. YANBU at all, turning up unannounced is rude.

Tombliwho · 28/01/2020 10:15

I'd be gutted to think that one day one of my children might leave me stood on the doorstep ignoring me just because their house was a bit untidy or they are under the weather
Hopefully you'll cultivate a respectful relationship with your kids then. I am pregnant and unwell with a chest infection today, no questions asked my dad turned up sent me to bed and is watching my son while I rest. He has always been that kind of parent and I know there is no judgment from him. If I had parents that would rock up and judge my home regardless of me asking them not to then I would feel the same as OP. Think about how you treat your kids if you want a decent relationship with them in the future.

PsychosonicCindy · 28/01/2020 10:36

@Tombliwho
I think that was my point. I want to be like how your dad is, you wouldn't have to worry I would never judge a messy home, would always do whatever I could do look after my children! I'm hoping to have a relationship with my children where they would want to let me in!

Original poster
Thebearwentoverthemountain · 28/01/2020 10:38

I’m fairness they did offer to take DD for a bit but she’s pretty grizzly today as well. They would want to stay and chat and talk at me (my mum never talks to me, she talks at me and if I try start a conversation with her she’ll just ignore what I’ve said and start talking about something else) so it wouldn’t just be take DD and go.

I think they mainly want to come round to see DD. Although I feel like I’m the favourite child (even before DD) as they only want to visit me and not my siblings Hmm they don’t do this to them.

In the past when I’ve cancelled they’ve either just turned up or not taken no for an answer and will say “we’ll we will just pop round but we won’t stay long” which annoys me as well but I struggle setting boundaries with them but I have gotten slightly better at it since falling pregnant with DD.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/01/2020 10:50

Even if you get on fine with parents, there may be days when you just want to curl up under the duvet and not bother with anybody/not have to make conversation. And certainly not feel you have to tidy up, if your dps might be the sort to raise an eyebrow, even if they don’t comment.

If you’ve asked them not to come, OP, IMO it’s fine not to answer the door. Doors and windows closed, maybe some music on, you can just say you must have been too fast asleep to hear.
If either of my dds said they felt too rough for company, I’d respect that and wouldn’t be offended. There have been days when I’ve felt the same.

Leaannb · 28/01/2020 10:51

PsycosonicCindy if you were to call your child before just showing up then you won't have to worry about being left on the stoop

Leaannb · 28/01/2020 10:54

@Shockers So? That isn't the point. OP doesn't want visitors

BottleOfJameson · 28/01/2020 10:57

I'd be gutted to think that one day one of my children might leave me stood on the doorstep ignoring me just because their house was a bit untidy or they are under the weather

If you imagine that there will never be a time in your children's lives when they just want to lie in bed without seeing anyone (or fancy a quiet night in with just their kids, or really want to watch a film on the TV etc) then you'll be disappointed. However much you love and adore your parents there's bound to be a time when you actually don't fancy seeing them that evening for whatever reason. If you can't respect that you're going to push them away and you probably will be left standing on the doorstep!