OH brother staying with us for months :|

[HJ82]

He's been staying for months already. He was homeless so we took him in to help him get work and back on feet. I feel bad but he's starting to get under my skin. He doesn't shower or wash his clothes. Lives on mixed nuts with I keep finding them on rug in living room (we have an 8 month old baby!!!) I've told him repeatedly to clean himself and wash his clothes. I can't handle the stench of cheap perfumed clothing anymore. I've told him I'll wash his clothes for him. But he never brings them downstairs.

Should I just go up there with gloves and wash it all?? 😬

I can't kick him out! He's now got a job so will leave soon, but I'm not sure how long they'll be able to stomach the perfume and will probably sack him 🤪

It's grossing me out and my baby keeps getting sick. I've also noticed he just rinses his cup with water and not soap.

I fear I'll lose it and end up yelling at him. I've asked OH to talk to him but it just keeps getting pushed back...

What can I do?

Tell him to leave. Your baby comes first

Why not call a house meeting (getting your DH onside first) and lay down some ground rules:

• washing clothes: bring them downstairs after 1 wear (or whatever you want)
• washing plates/cutlery: with soap
• keeping his room clean
• leaving food around: eat in the kitchen or his bedroom only

Tell him these are the rules if you want to keep living here. Otherwise, it's a polite invite for him to vacate.

You're not being unreasonable to set some ground rules

@Jokie yes, I think this is the best move.

You’re a bloody saint, OP. Why doesn’t your husband deal with this?

Your BIL is unlikely to be able to settle well his new job if his personal hygiene is so dire.

Most importantly, your baby’s safety should not be compromised.

Has he got clothes to change into if he was homeless?
I used to get very upfront with my DSes when they were teens - 'go and hose yourself down, you stink!' Said with a smile, and affection, it didn't appear to wound them.
Maybe he just needs telling to have a shower and put clean grundies on every day? And spell out this will be required at work.
Can you put up with him if he is cleaner?

Maybe pick up some cheapo underpants and some trousers (Charity Shop) I get you cant kick him out, but maybe have a look for some kind of housing /hostel? Your Baby is not safe with Nuts around .Also even is he has a job he need to keep it! and it expensive for private rented accomodation .If he is quite young there may be help from local churches/charities ?

Why have you put up with this for so long? He is not your responsibility. Your baby is your responsibility and your baby is in danger because this twat leaves nuts everywhere - what if baby picks one up and chokes?

Kick BIL out. Yes, you can kick him out!! You do not have to put up with this any longer. And never agree to this again.

And if your DH won't deal with his brother, then I'd be giving him an ultimatum - DH, it's me and the baby or your brother. You choose.

@Bluetrews25 he has issues. I'm trying my best to help him without getting too angry with him. He has been through a lot. We gave him a whole wardrobe of clothes.

Why are you allowing this around your baby? Get him out!

I think gentle pro action may work best.

Eg, knock on his door. 'I'm putting on a wash - please give me your clothes to wash.' Get him a laundry basket with a lid (£12 Dunelm).

Tell him no nuts on the carpet as the baby might choke and die (flag this one up super clear to him).

Buy him some aftershave you like as a congrats present for his new job. When he's out, go in his room and find the cheap one and throw it away. ...

I'm only suggesting this as he's due to go soon.

If he wasn't, I'd be advising a step programme to get him out.

This can only be temporary. He's a slob and won't change.

Slob sounds mean but just - he's not very clean.

You are both being very kind and supportive. You are helping him to turn his life around, which is truly admirable.
Go to him every morning and say 'bathroom's free - go and have your shower now', 'no, no, it's fine, go and do it now'.'can you bring your laundry out now and we'll get it on'
Gentle pushing, until it becomes habit again.
Hygiene slips with depression sometimes.

Part of him getting back on his feet and getting a job is learning that he needs to shower, wash his clothes and keep a property liveable.

By never telling him 'because he has issues' you are setting him up to fail.

You and your OH need to set some rules or he will be back on the street again.

Jeeeze, I have a friend staying for a few weeks who has no issues. I still tell him to chuck his clothes down when I'm putting a wash on. Why wouldn't I?

@AnnaMagnani oh I've told him. Time and time again!

@Bluetrews25 yes, I'm beginning to understand depression much more now. I feel like I've been too harsh with him. But he's not getting the message. I told him nuts can kill a baby and he just put his head down. Didn't apologise or anything, I think that's due to his mental state. He is like a 5 year old. It's very sad.

@Bluetrews25 sadly it's never been a habit. When he had his own place he was always dirty. He's cleaner now that I've washed his clothes twice in 3 months. Probably never done a wash in his whole adult life.

Being kindly assertive is best. Bit of gentle prodding. Hygiene often goes AWOL with depression. Is he getting help with that, as otherwise he's going to struggle with a job & independence.

Is he a squirrel? (Doesn’t wash, only eats nuts).
Sounds like you have to decide together with your DH whether he’s there for the long haul in which case you come up with rules together, or has an end date to leave. Do you have enough money to set him up somewhere else? not long term, but enough to start him off, as I’m assuming your DH doesn’t want to kick him out as he’s his brother. Difficult with mental illness involved but I’m not sure how he’s ever going to leave unless you have that conversation with an end date.

Yep. A kindly prod.
"Can you bring your laundry down? I'll show you how to work the washing machine"
(He says it's okay and not to worry)
"No, really. Your clothes haven't been washed for ages. Bring them down now and let's get them fresh"
(Don't take no for an answer but keep a friendly and kind tone)

You've done such an amazing thing for him, OP. It's so hard to find that balance between helping someone, but still being able to maintain your own welfare. Does he have any outside help? He doesn't seem to be taking care of himself - not washing, and eating a very restricted diet. Unfortunately, there's only so much that you can do for him. It sounds as if he needs so get some professional input - maybe a trip to the GP to see if there is anything open to him (I know that mental health provision is woefully lacking in many areas). Or maybe some advice from an organisation that deals with homelessness?

@Greta1985 he's just saving for a deposit so hopefully he can find a flatshare in Feb. Although he won't last there is he doesn't have standard hygiene

@Areyoufree I'm afraid to mention help as I don't think he's been diagnosed with anything. Already I'm in his ear about hygiene. DH has a gentler approach but I'm fed up as nothing is happening. I'll just keep prodding. He keeps getting colds too, because he's so unhealthy and my baby keeps getting sick!! I don't want to blame him as babies get cold a lot but since he's moved in she's been sick every month 😭