OH brother staying with us for months :|

[HJ82]

He's been staying for months already. He was homeless so we took him in to help him get work and back on feet. I feel bad but he's starting to get under my skin. He doesn't shower or wash his clothes. Lives on mixed nuts with I keep finding them on rug in living room (we have an 8 month old baby!!!) I've told him repeatedly to clean himself and wash his clothes. I can't handle the stench of cheap perfumed clothing anymore. I've told him I'll wash his clothes for him. But he never brings them downstairs.

Should I just go up there with gloves and wash it all?? 😬

I can't kick him out! He's now got a job so will leave soon, but I'm not sure how long they'll be able to stomach the perfume and will probably sack him 🤪

It's grossing me out and my baby keeps getting sick. I've also noticed he just rinses his cup with water and not soap.

I fear I'll lose it and end up yelling at him. I've asked OH to talk to him but it just keeps getting pushed back...

What can I do?

This is not fair to you, or to your baby. Your DH is being insensitive and selfish, you'd think he'd be mortified by his brother.

It sounds like he might be better living in some supervised care home if he has such profound special needs as you are saying. I think he is too far gone and you're in over your head. You are not equipped to handle someone like that, he needs supervised care/living home. You need to give your DH an ultimatum and tell him that you cannot possibly go on like this another day or week. He needs to leave, now. What your husband is doing by imposing him on you, is unfair, it is wrong, it is selfish, it is unfair to your baby. Either he has profound developmental problems, in which case, you are not equipped to handle him, OR he is simply dirty and lazy and doesn't care - about you, about his brother, or his DN. Either way, it is impacting on your quality of life, and that of your baby's and you are not qualified to look after someone with his needs. He needs proper help that you cannot give him. It is not fair to you or to your DC. It may be harsh, but it is better to kick him out now back to the streets, than feel resentful and miserable and your baby constantly sick. You and your baby need and deserve better than this.

When he says that it’s ok, tell him when he gets his place it might be there but not whilst he’s in yours.

Otherwise all you are doing is enabling him, he’ll never be able to cope with his depression (if I’ve read it correctly) if he not given a hand to help him out

DH has a gentler approach

Fair enough, we're all different - but what's he actually doing about his brother??

With depression you often have to be more specific than you might think.

So a baby can choke on nuts is not specific enough. Say, you can only eat nuts in the kitchen or your bedroom. If you drop one in the kitchen you must find it and pick it up immediately.

Please wash could be, you need to take a shower with soap and wash you hair with shampoo every morning before 9am.

Speaking as someone who's had depression - agree you need to be very clear. So not so much "you need to have a shower every day and wash your clothes every week". More "go and have a shower now and put your clothes in the machine please". FIRMLY said!

You shouldn't have to do this; you and your baby shouldn't have to live like this. Your DHs gentle approach isn't working. Tell DH that it really isn't working for you and he needs to get firmer pronto.

Btw I think you're a saint to be putting up with this. Don't be a mug though, it's not wrong to put yourself and baby's welfare first.

He sounds like he has some fairly serious MH issues going on, and it's good of you to want to help him but just being nice and not putting too much pressure on him isn't enough. He needs professional intervention.

It isn't fair on you or your family to have to live with him as he is, and you also need to take steps - with your DH as well as outside agencies - to make sure that when he is homeless again, as you believe he will be, your home isn't always seen as the default option.

Have you seen proof of savings?
He may have issues but that's not your problem. The baby is your problem.