To be slightly hurt and embarrassed by not being asked to be a bridesmaid?

[polkadotsundress]

Although not entirely surprised? The friendship has had a few off moments in recent years, but essentially I thought it was on an even keel.

She has said to me several times over the last year that she wanted me as a bridesmaid. I find it awkward now it’s just not mentioned and have suddenly been added to a Facebook group chat about the hen weekend by the ones I assume are the actual bridesmaids.

I’m not going to the hen, it’s really expensive and I just don’t feel comfortable now, it seems awkward.

I had a tiny laidback wedding and this friend was my (very casual, just wore a dress she had already type of thing) bridesmaid and I was very happy to have her, have good memories. All I can think of is maybe because my wedding was small and not fancy, she somehow doesn’t think I’d be capable of being a fancy bridesmaid at her very formal wedding? But why all the nonsense about always saying she wanted me to be hers, and then just complete radio silence?! I feel that’s odd.

AIBU to be a little hurt?

If she said she wanted you as her bridesmaid several times in the last year was she not already planning her wedding then? Or did she only recently get engaged?

If she was engaged at the time, what did you say when she said that she wanted you as her bridesmaid? It wasn't her way of asking you, was it? And you didn't respond appropriately so she thought you didn't want to be her bridesmaid?

If not, then I think the bad thing is that she didn't have a conversation with you about it. There are all kinds of good reasons for not having someone as a bridesmaid whom you're close enough to have, (money, numbers, friendship groups, family obligations etc) but I think if you value them you have the conversation and explain why you aren't asking them.

I hadn’t really thought of exact coatings but yes if I’d been a bridesmaid as she’d said, I would have expected to push the boat out, and would have enjoyed it as a fun mini break away in honour of a close friend’s wedding.

But no I hadn’t factored in stuff like champagne helicopter rides (I’d thought more like meals in good restaurants and nights out) so if that’s what she wants then I see why she changed her mind about asking me. Ok then but I’m not feeling like we’re close enough friends anymore to go the expensive mini break.

I was up for it when I thought I’d enjoy it I guess? Now I feel snubbed essentially, and don’t want to spend not only money but also time stuck with them for a weekend, feeling awkward.

I think they’ll have lots of fun and that’s great, I want her to enjoy herself. I just don’t want to go as the friendship dynamic is changed.

Costings! Not coating!

Y (and it’s not just you, a lot of mners do this) abu for referring to someone as a ‘friend’ when you can’t just be real and talk to them. Imagining that anyone would have the ridiculously snobby view that someone who had a small wedding wouldn’t be capable of being a bridesmaid in a big fancy wedding is just plain daft, and if i genuinely thought this of anyone i knew I certainly wouldn’t class them as a close friend . I think you feel a bit hurt and daft and it’s making you view her in an unjustly negative light.

Why not just talk to her? Be real with her? Tell her the hen is very expensive for you and ask her if you can get together and do something less spendy in the run up, either as a twosome or with your usual friendship group. Ask her why she changed her mind about the bridesmaids, she may have a reason you hadn’t thought of. You’re married yourself, are you ttc, for example? She may have thought you wouldn’t want to be pg and be a bridesmaid if so, or it may be that this big fancy daft hen do is what her heart desires and she knew you’d feel like you had to go along with it reluctantly and maybe spend more than you were comfortable with. None of these are easy conversations to have but friends should be able to have them.

As others have said, she can have the expensive do, but messing you about is losing her a genuine friend.

Really honestly, you don't want to go. How you back out of this?

X posts

So you could afford it but don’t feel like you’d have a good time? All the more reason to have a proper conversation with her about what’s going on.

“ Imagining that anyone would have the ridiculously snobby view that someone who had a small wedding wouldn’t be capable of being a bridesmaid in a big fancy wedding is just plain daft, and if i genuinely thought this of anyone i knew I certainly wouldn’t class them as a close friend”

Just to clarify, what i mean is that if i thought anyone was shallow and up their own arse enough to think the above, I wouldn’t class them as a close friend! Not that I wouldn’t be friends with someone who had a small wedding.

Yes I have backed out as I don’t want to go. Have texted her to say I’m not able to go. So there we are, it’s done now.

No I don’t feel like having a conversation about it and I suppose that speaks for itself too - that I’m just not willing to make the effort to have a conversation. Frankly I don’t see any point. I mentioned in my first posts there had been a couple of bumps in the friendship before and sort of think I want to back off for now.

Who knows down the road things could shift again, but for now I’m backing off.

A lot of women decide for some bizarre reason to choose the bridesmaids from family or friends they have known the longest as opposed to those they are the closest to. A number of my closest friends did this and then regretted it later when they realise they missed out on sharing their wedding day with people they can have fun with.

I was railroaded into having my sister. When I told her I got engaged her first words were take it I’m bridesmaid. Wen she was planning hers it wasn’t mentioned by me as I knew she’d not ask me. Didn’t end up going because it was in Bali so way out of my price range. She did want my son as page boy because he’d balance out her niece so she was a bit annoyed wen I said no. No way I was spending that kind of money though.

OP, decision made now you can relax. Can you plan a few straightforward things with other friends, meal or walk type thing, to focus ahead?

Also a colleague got married last summer. She never shut up about it. Months leading up to it.

Now though that's it no one even speaks of it again not even her.

These things blow over. No one is really that interested in another's wedding unless it's your son / daughter