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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly hurt and embarrassed by not being asked to be a bridesmaid?

62 replies

polkadotsundress · 27/01/2020 20:28

Although not entirely surprised? The friendship has had a few off moments in recent years, but essentially I thought it was on an even keel.

She has said to me several times over the last year that she wanted me as a bridesmaid. I find it awkward now it’s just not mentioned and have suddenly been added to a Facebook group chat about the hen weekend by the ones I assume are the actual bridesmaids.

I’m not going to the hen, it’s really expensive and I just don’t feel comfortable now, it seems awkward.

I had a tiny laidback wedding and this friend was my (very casual, just wore a dress she had already type of thing) bridesmaid and I was very happy to have her, have good memories. All I can think of is maybe because my wedding was small and not fancy, she somehow doesn’t think I’d be capable of being a fancy bridesmaid at her very formal wedding? But why all the nonsense about always saying she wanted me to be hers, and then just complete radio silence?! I feel that’s odd.

AIBU to be a little hurt?

OP posts:
crustycrab · 27/01/2020 20:51

Vegas? Go for it and be glad that you don't have all the wedding day faff and 500 dress fittings to attend. Just sit and drink the wine and eat the food

Elbels · 27/01/2020 20:54

This kind of thread makes me worried about asking my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids. Three people I've been bridesmaid for won't be my bridesmaids and one who I wasn't bridesmaid for I'd like to be mine.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/01/2020 20:56

@Elbels

If it makes it better, though I'm unlikely to ever have a traditional wedding, if I did I would still have the woman who didn't have me as mine!

Original poster
polkadotsundress · 27/01/2020 21:00

@Elbels but have you asked several of those friends and now suddenly changed your mind?

Fair enough if you have, it’s your wedding so you must do what suits you, but it’s still hurtful to be on the receiving end.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/01/2020 21:01

@bananaskinsnomnom

That's really harsh. What on earth was her reasoning?

BeNiceToYourSister · 27/01/2020 21:02

Frankly anyone who would ask their mates to fork out that kind of money for their hen do would have me distancing myself pretty fast, OP! She sounds like hard work. Be glad you dodged a bullet there!

ALemonyPea · 27/01/2020 21:03

YANBU to feel hurt Op. Better to bow out now rather than fork out a small fortune and feel worse at the hen.

I had a close friend who had asked me to be bridesmaid. She had to delay the wedding a year as she had a baby. I then received a generic invitation to her wedding (first I'd heard of new date), night time only, whereas all our other friends from our friendship circle were invited to the full wedding and received beautiful handwritten invitations. She never gave an explanation, I never went to the wedding as felt so hurt and embarrassed. Still hurts 10 years later.

Mumdiva99 · 27/01/2020 21:03

How much for the hen do?!?! She hasn't asked you to be BM because you aren't wealthy enough and night actually tell her it's crazy to spend that sort of money on a hen do. (of course it's not if you can afford it - but most people can't). You've dodged a bullet - if they are her tastes then there will be £100 hair appointments, £100 nail appointments, £250 shoes to buy, expensive night before and of the wedding in a hotel. Plus the things you pay for on the day for your friend £200 bottle of champagne in the hotel room while getting ready etc etc.....

EmmiJay · 27/01/2020 21:03

Nah, she knows shes mentioned it. Petty me says, let her stew in the embarrassment/tension/elephant in the room whenever you both talk about the wedding 😌 You just go to the wedding and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

Derbee · 27/01/2020 21:05

You’re not wrong to be a bit hurt, but you shouldn’t be embarrassed. It’s her that has caused an awkward situation by asking you to be a bridesmaid in her conversations, and then going silent when she’s changed her mind.

As an aside, I wouldn’t pay £1300 for a weekend away for a hen do, regardless of who it was for. That’s stupid money.

Derbee · 27/01/2020 21:06

And I don’t think I’d be that interested in a friendship with someone who wants people to spend £1300 on a hen do.

billy1966 · 27/01/2020 21:11

Of course YANBU to be hurt.
It's an extremely rude thing to do.
But it is on her.
I also think you have dodged a bullet.
I honestly think the cost of being a bridesmaid with hen do's etc are an absolutely shocking imposition on people.

💐

QueenofallIsee · 27/01/2020 21:13

I’d back away - it’s not that you weren’t asked, it’s that you were and then ditched! That’s horrendous. I got married in October and ended up with 4 adult bridesmaids which to be honest felt utterly ridiculous, but I’d really rather that than hurt someone’s feelings. To cut down I’d have had to leave out someone who considered herself ‘as close’ as the others and would be bewildered and upset. The bride sounds cowardly and anyone that expects that £££ on her hen do is ridiculous anyway

Original poster
polkadotsundress · 27/01/2020 21:13

You know what it might be something to do with not being rich enough.

I knew she wanted to go away for a weekend and obviously that needs a decent budget, but the bridesmaids have booked a helicopter champagne flight that honestly I wouldn’t have thought of.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotsundress · 27/01/2020 21:16

@ALemonyPea that sounds totally bewildering Sad I just don’t get it.

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 27/01/2020 21:27

Same thing happened to me op. She’s an awful cow that can’t keep friends so I feel fine about it now.

PearlsPerils · 27/01/2020 21:33

What an awful, insensitive thing to do to someone. I’d give her extortionate hen and her wedding a miss too, OP.

Yes, plans can change, but if you’ve told someone they’re going to be your BM and then change your mind (which you shouldn’t... unless you’ve decided you can afford NO bridesmaids) then you should have the decency to inform them and explain why to them. And expect to damage your friendship.

Bluewater1 · 27/01/2020 21:51

The cost of the hen do is insane!! Think you dodged a bullet here OP to be honest

Original poster
polkadotsundress · 27/01/2020 21:51

I feel like I genuinely still want to go to the wedding and celebrate with them. Except I admit it’s crossing my mind as to whether I’m actually wanted, or just being invited to make up the numbers.

I’m thinking back and when we were talking about her venue, she asked several times if we’d be staying there. I was a bit puzzled but said yes of course, several times. Now it makes sense I think because she obviously was trying to put us off staying there, as she probably wants the rooms at the venue for her wedding party and closer guests.

To be fair to her, that must have been her hinting that I wasn’t in the wedding party so could we please fuck off and stay elsewhere. But I didn’t pick up on it!

OP posts:
MyuMe · 27/01/2020 21:56

To be fair to her, that must have been her hinting that I wasn’t in the wedding party so could we please fuck off and stay elsewhere. But I didn’t pick up on it!

Deja vu Shock

Years ago close friend of mine did the same with bridesmaids dresses. She asked me to be one. Then when it came to the crunch she showed me pics and said you'll be wearing a different dress. I didn't understand why but she meant I wasn't a BM anymore. I was too fat apparently ...she said all her BMs were size 8s. I was a 12.

I didn't go to the wedding.

I hear they had a very bitter divorce last year.

Keha · 27/01/2020 22:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt. I have a group of school friends where everyone else has been a bridesmaid for at least one other. Usually people have had one or two of the school friends group and then sisters/family/other friends. It made me realise that although I am definitely part of the group, I am not in the top 1 or 2 in terms of friendship for anyone in particular. I have sometimes been asked to do other things, like a reading. When I thought about, I realised that I probably wasn't as individually close to any particular person as the others are. To some extent that is to do with my own personality and situation. It does hurt, but I think I've also accepted it. What I find difficult is sometimes things are discussed about bridesmaids, organising hen dos etc - and no-one seems to realise I am the only one to have been consistently left out! I have still gone to the weddings, hen dos etc and enjoyed it, despite that tinge of hurt. This hen do you are talking about sounds ridiculous, probably a good thing you don't have to go!

Sleeveen · 27/01/2020 22:23

The hen weekend is a crazy sum, but are you saying you’d have sucked it up and gone if you’d been asked to be a bridesmaid?

caroline161 · 27/01/2020 22:26

My best friend was my bridesmaid, she got married 3 months later and didnt ask me. Had her sister and another one of our friends. If I'm honest I was so embarrassed and hurt it made me ill and our friendship never ever recovered.

Hollywolly1 · 27/01/2020 22:31

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.A one like that might not yet invite you to the wedding.As for the £1,300 hen doHmmno way would I go and what sort of person puts that expense on friends no matter how much money they have,actually if she has that much she should be paying for the whole hen do

ClementineWardobe · 27/01/2020 22:31

@polkadotsundress it seems to me this is about money. Some people are amazingly awful when they get married, it's used as an excuse to sort of 'shake off' 'unsuitable' people who won't fit into their new richer married life. It is crap behaviour, and mostly when the wheels come off their shitty relationship bicycle, they turn to older friends. At this point I stay away.

There is no need for a ridiculously expensive hen do. I'd give the whole thing a miss.. Send a nice gift and be indisposed.

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