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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lose it with DH after he tells me he doesnt see what the fuss is?

63 replies

LowFat · 31/08/2007 21:14

I have actually just told my DH to F**k off - for the first time in my life and I am so ashamed of myself as we are a non-swearing house normally - but I was severly provoked!

We are off on holiday tomorrow. We have an 8mnth DS and a 4yr DD. I have been putting out clothes all week for all of us except DH who kept saying he did;nt know what he was 'tkaing. Tonight as I am puting the bag together he waltzes in and chucks a loads of tops and trousers at me - fine I fit them in.

Then he comes down stairs, looks at his routes for the dive then makes a coffee and sits down. I was flabbergasted. I have been making lists for weeks. I still hve lists about stuff I cant pack till morning as well as still having to sort out bottles, formula, food for DS, toys and things for him to feel some nomarlity at bedtime, shoes and sun hats, blankets for the pushchair, toilet roll etc. And I might add I still havent had my dinner. I got in from work at 6.15, bathed DC's out them to bed and got stuck in!

Last weekend we had DS Baptism, and a week after we get back it's his brothers DC's b'day so I have also made sure we have presents ready for that, the last few weeks have been non-stop and tonight it was the last straw.

So when he asked me what I was getting in such a state about I just exploded - he got the hump with me and I told him to F-off!

Men Grrrr

OP posts:
MyTwopenceworth · 31/08/2007 21:16

So was it agreed that you do all the packing? Did you just start to do all the packing, leaving him assuming you were taking care of it? did he refuse to do the packing? I mean, what communication re: allocation of tasks took place prior to this row?

beansprout · 31/08/2007 21:16

Why are you the one that organises everything? Is that an agreed role you have or is it for another reason?

You are bearing the brunt of holidays/birthdays etc which is fine, as a lot of women do, but if it is making you unhappy then there's a problem.

Hope you have a good holiday.

Original poster
LowFat · 31/08/2007 21:20

He normally leaves all this to me which is fine what bothers me is he cant understand why I was starting to get flustered.

And he thinks all his stuff can be done last minute as if planning counts for nothing!

OP posts:
constancereader · 31/08/2007 21:21

YANBU to lose it, that sounds extremely provoking.

You do need to explain to men about how to help, perhaps you could avoid such a situation again by better communication.

Or perhaps such an uncharacteristic outburst from you will make him see sense!

Holidays are stressful to begin with, it will be great when you are there

Original poster
LowFat · 31/08/2007 21:25

He is so good with other stuff, he does loads more that my friends DH's where it comes to the children, and if truth be known he has more patience with DD than I haev ATM

So I am not complaining about him in that respect. Just his lack of percieving my need for help.

Next time he will have his own list.

In fact - thats a plan, 3 weeks after get back is DD's 4th b'day party - most of which I am sorted for. But I am going to give him his very own list of things he can do...hows that for communication??

OP posts:
hercules1 · 31/08/2007 21:27

Why not just let him pack his own stuff? Just because you like lists doesnt mean he has to have them too. I would hate it if my dh gave me a list, I mean really hate it.

compo · 31/08/2007 21:31

yes, if you want him to help you have to spell out exactly what you want him to do
tbh i think you are letting it all get on top of you - it's meant to be aholiday after all. Will you have a washing machine there? Do you have to take all ds' food? Won't there be shops too? Buy present son holiday perhaps

Original poster
LowFat · 31/08/2007 21:31

He has never had a list...until DD's b'day . But I would appreciate him letting me know what he wanted to take. I hav been doing laundry all wekk to make sure all his clothes were clean, and then he went and chose stuff tht was already in the wardrobe.

Even if he packed his own stuff it would all need to be in the same bag and if I did ours first he'd never make his fit!

OP posts:
hercules1 · 31/08/2007 21:33

Why would h e need to let you know? WHen we went away dh packed his own stuff. After all he's a grown man....
I would have thought if you are doing most of the child care for 2 children under 5 then it should be him sorting out stuff like that and laundry etc.

LazyLinePainterJane · 31/08/2007 21:34

Thing is, I used to be like this. Then I realised that it doesn't need to be organised and planned a week in advance. You really can pack it all the morning of. It will be fine. You will feel more relaxed by making less of a deal of it.

If you wanted him to help, why didn't you just ask. His brain doesn't work like yours. You would see that someone needs help and offer. He thinks that because you haven't asked, you don't need it.

puffylovett · 31/08/2007 21:34

i don't think YABU he sounds like a typical man but then i am on my second glass of red wine !!!

LucyJones · 31/08/2007 21:35

tbh if it took me a week to pack for a holiday I don't think I'd bother

hercules1 · 31/08/2007 21:36

I am always flabbergasted at these threads. AS soon as you start saying things like typcial man you are excusing behaviour like this. A man should be an equal partner and is actually capable of looking after kids too and doing housework etc. REally, it's true.

gringottsgoblin · 31/08/2007 21:37

i understand lowfat, i tried to get dh to do his own packing once and he packed all the stuff the whole family used (like toothpaste for example) so it actually made it more difficult cos i was looking for stuff that wasnt there. i think xmas is as exciting for him as for the kids, most of the presents they get are surprises for him aswell. you cant just not do it cos then it wouldnt get done and the kids would miss out. but you are absolutely right that he should appreciate it a bit more. as soon as i have worked out how to get that through to my dh i will let you in on the secret

hercules1 · 31/08/2007 21:38

SOmetimes I wonder how old some of your partners are!

hercules1 · 31/08/2007 21:38

Where is Xenia?

bozza · 31/08/2007 21:39

Well when we went away I packed all 3 cases (there are four of us) with a mixture of everyone's things to make sure that they all came in under 20kg. And every so often I shouted DH and made him carry the big case through to weigh it, until I got it under 20kg. So none of this "pack his own stuff" here. I also gave him a deadline for when I was washing until and made sure the DC didn't wear anything that was for taking after that point.

ThursdayNext · 31/08/2007 21:41

I am bemused that you actually pack his stuff for him, and make sure all his clothes are clean
Don't do it then get annoyed, just don't do it to start with, if you see what I mean

bozza · 31/08/2007 21:42

Also although I set the deadline for washing for family, DH did a fair bit of the subsequent ironing.

ravenAK · 31/08/2007 21:48

I have the same thing - we set off 2 hours later than planned for my brother's wedding last week . I'll spare you the details!

So I've quietly made a plan for next time we go away.

I'll pack for dc & myself. He can have a rucksack (to be fair, he's happy with this if it means he's spared days of me demanding to know which pants he plans to wear this time next week...).

He will be given a list of jobs to do the night before (sorting out suitcases, travel cot, pushchair, loading the car as far as possible & printing out routes).

On the morning, HE can breakfast/bathe/dress dc whilst I do all the other last minute stuff.

I think it's the only way - dh really didn't understand why I exploded last week when he said (30 minutes after our agreed time of departure) 'Right, I've just got to have a shower & nip into town to buy some shirts...'

divastrop · 31/08/2007 21:54

i get annoyed sometimes when im getting flustered and dp does nothing to help,but i'm teaching myself not to say anything now,as i know that if i want/need him to do anything i only have to ask.i know i shouldnt have to ask,but i am slowly learning that mens minds work differently to womens,and that what seems glaringly obvious to me may not be to dp.

puffylovett · 31/08/2007 22:10

but hercules, they ARE capable, but they just don't DO IT as well because their brains don't work the same as ours...

Desiderata · 31/08/2007 22:16

Blimey! Sorry, but I'm with your dh on this. I do everything last minute, and if I forget something, I get in on the road or when I'm there.

I was exhausted just reading the OP!

blueshoes · 31/08/2007 22:33

I ALWAYS have a quarrel with dh before any holiday - all those lists and packing for myself and dcs get to me and it all comes to a head, because I have no time to do the final packing and the children do my head in. Dh does pack for himself, though, in all of 5 mins

paolosgirl · 31/08/2007 22:36

But don't you get fecked off having to write out instructions for them? I do. FFS, he's an adult too - why can't he use a bit of common sense, see what needs done and pitch in?

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