Advice for preteen daughter relationship

[Fatasfooook]

My daughter is 12 and I can feel our relationship getting strained, she is getting increasingly huffy and seems frustrated and grumpy a lot. Puberty is just starting and I’m looking for advice from parents and carers on how to proceed without our relationship turning to shit. We have always got on well but I feel like it’s under pressure at the moment. Any nuggets of golden wisdom to pass on to keep things sweet and communication flowing? Thanks in advance.

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Lurking because my 12yo is a pain in the arse as well at the moment. Although to be fair she's been one since she was about 9! I gather it'll get better in about 10 years...

Maybe you need to accept that you two might not be best friends at all times, and that can be ok. I would respect any wishes to privacy (for instance, not barging into her room, and not going into her room without asking first etc) and try to not force her to interact with you if she doesn't want to (and it's not essential). Good luck!

Tell her you love and shes beautiful CONSTANTLY.

Never show judgement of what she tells you her friends are doing. This means she wont feel able to come to you in a crisis or topics like sex, boys etc always ask her what she thinks of it!

Remember she loves you even when she tells you she hates you and you dont understand anything.

Offer for some grown up girls time so gone are Lego days or whatever and ask her for a hot chocolate in town or a film at night with popcorn.

She wont always want to spend time with you. Keep an eye on her social media without making her feel suffocated.

Love and strength are needed for the next 5 years as I pushed and pushed my parents and they pushed me back with boundaries (not always) and lots of love.

It's easier for them to take when they're not face-to-face and under scrutiny, so car journeys or walks in the park/dark are good!

talk sorry, not take!

That is excellent advice Ohnoherewego.
Do all that OP. And remember they all have stroppy moments. It’s not personal.

It's a tricky age as in some ways she's growing up and other times she's still a little girl! Try to give her choice and independence when you can.

I'd agree with what you're saying too.

Self esteem in young women these days though are surrounded by what they see in the media, their peers and their idols. That isn't going to change anytime soon. With increase in social media, I can see it getting worse.

You can be beautiful inside and out and all other personality attributes. It doesnt have to come down to one or the other.

I remember that age- I had friends with bigger boobs, slimmer or the boys fancied them etc and I always remembered my dad telling me how clever I was and how proud he was of me but he also told me I was beautiful. I'm forever grateful for him always telling me. It gave me confidence.

Choose your battles, develop selective hearing (selectively ignore the horrible comments she makes towards you-she won't really mean them-hopefully-it's the hormones talking ), and develop a very thick skin.
And if you do loose your temper from time to time and bite back, remember you are only human...and don't beat yourself up about it too much.

I spent a good few months getting frustrated and butting heads. We sat down together and I asked her what can we do to make sure we get on better. We listened to each other and made some adjustments. We get on much better now.

I take my daughter out every Sunday for breakfast. We have a no phone rule. We speak more in that hour than we do the rest of the week.

No device for an hour before bed, no devices in the bedroom at night. This ensures she has plenty of sleep.

I have to pick my battles, but if she crosses the line then I address it later, I’ve learnt this after quite a few rows.

I tell her daily that I love her and try to tell her something she has done that day that’s helped me/the family.

I hated hated hated my parents telling me I was beautiful. So I totally disagree with that advice.
It made me feel sooo distant from them. It always feels a completely empty thing to say, totally biased and as if they don't know you at all. As if saying I'm beautiful means that nothing else matters. As if they aren't listening to your problems or getting you at all. It feels dismissive. It's a statement. It's about them. And what are you supposed to say in return? Thankyou? As a child you don't want to have to be polite and thank them for that when inside you're just finding it so frustrating. I hated it!! I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and have never had body issues / eating disorders etc, honestly. But I was a normal child who knew full well I wasn't beautiful, and no one in my class would have disagreed. .
Please find something else to say, that is actually relevant to your daughter. Something that means something to her, and not just to you. Find out why she is stropping and what she's fed up about. Often they are just becoming more independent and don't want to be micro managed but still clearly want to know you care and are interested in them. Ask specific questions rather than generalised ones as that's when you get the one word answers. I'm sure you can say she's beautiful occasionally but make it sporadic,at unusual times or about specific occasions. Not as a regular thing.
Just my view!

I was an absolute cow to my poor mother between the ages of 12-15. We’re the best of friends now though.

Agree with the previous advice from @Ohnoherewego62, especially to make sure she knows you love her regardless of what she does, who she hangs around with, what she looks like, what she does or doesn’t achieve. You don’t have to constantly be telling her, but look for other ways.

Also, the talking in car thing always worked well for us.

To reframe it a bit........Lots of kids tend to let out or direct their negative emotions towards the person they feel safest with, the one that they know will love them regardless. So if you’re getting flak look at it as if it might be an underhanded compliment.

Get her riding. All her emotions will be used up in dealing with the horse and not on you. I speak from experience. You will have no money though!

Repeat, this too shall pass, this too shall pass

It's a tricky age OP but also a difficult transition for your both, I felt quite sad when DD1 reached this age almost like I was loosing her somehow. What I learned was to embrace it and help her on the journey to becoming a great woman. Also

Pick your battles but keep firm with your boundaries and rules.

Don't take things personally even when they say they hate you they really don't mean it.

Accept that they find you totally embarrassing and out of touch.

Make time to talk and time to listen.

Protect them from the potential harm of social media and help them develop good habits. No phones or devices before bed or overnight in bedroom. Monitor social media use, group chats and online activities. The majority of nastiness and dramas for girls at this age happens online.

Make regular time to do something fun together, even it's just watching a tv show you

I recommend a book called Untangled by Lisa Damour

agree with driving, often get to the source of problems (DD15) on a car trip just listening to the radio and general talking. Always have an open house so that minor misdermeners, which are discussed openly with friends, are said openly, allowing you to hear what is going on with your teens life. Choose your battles, I have lost control of the car radio and the language is blush worthy but I am able to contribute to plans regarding parties and drinking as these things are discussed openly and my input is not dismissed.

This is all amazing advice. Thank you so much. I can already realise some errors im making from reading your comments. I think I’m finding it hard to accept that she isn’t a little child anymore too. Thanks everyone, mumsnet at its best!

It's a development stage designed to separate parents and their babies since time began, but isnt 24/7.

Stay in contact always. Don't get into routine of being in separate rooms all the time. There is no reason for teens to stay in their room and it's not that usual nowadays. Be fair about TV and gaming in communal areas.

Try best to be always reasonable and just. They are very fond of fairness. Explain your reasons like a judge. But don't be emotionless like a judge. Care. Deeply.

Be interested in what they are interested in, without cynicism. Eg veganism, environmental concerns, rock metal, blue hair etc. Notice changes they've done to their appearance and compliment them. Teens are very very insecure even the confident ones.

Keep dialogue open. Be clear when they hurt you. They are still human and don't want to hurt their mum really. It'll soften them if your not always so professionally parenting and show your human side.

Remember they're still children. Set and enforce boundaries but don't be silly strict. Allow freedom but be there (if like a 3 year old trying slide at park) it's too much and they need you. Don't ever say no to being there/ picking them up, and don't judge. Try not to throw it in their face that they were "all grown up/ you knew nothing etc" 3 hours ago. Be there for them unconditionally.

Kids respond v well to ridiculous totalitarian rules in secondary schools so are capable of conforming. If they see it fairly applied. Teach them to question this but not so much that they end up in isolation. Be kind if they do. Schools are harsh.

It's not all the time. They still love you.

@dragonembroidery

“It's a development stage designed to separate parents and their babies since time began”

Amazing, I never thought of it like that, that makes so much sense, though it tears my heart!

I'm reading with interest.
My DD is nearly 11 though has had a period already. I pick my battles as I understand and remember only to well how hormones messed me up as a teen.
Adolescents is probably the most stressful time in your lifetime.

Find a tv programme you can enjoy together.
For us it was Modern Family and The Middle.

Being in the same room and laughing together was a great way of enjoying each other’s company.

Keep lines of communication open.

This is all such great advice. Thanks