Advice for preteen daughter relationship

[Fatasfooook]

My daughter is 12 and I can feel our relationship getting strained, she is getting increasingly huffy and seems frustrated and grumpy a lot. Puberty is just starting and I’m looking for advice from parents and carers on how to proceed without our relationship turning to shit. We have always got on well but I feel like it’s under pressure at the moment. Any nuggets of golden wisdom to pass on to keep things sweet and communication flowing? Thanks in advance.

We still eat together every day.

We provide lifts at the most ridiculous times and to the most ridiculous places. One of us is always available when he's "out" to collect him if he's in a situation he's unhappy with, no questions asked.

We communicate a lot by text while I'm at work, silly chit chat, memes etc.

We've always had a rule where he has to tell the truth (who hasn't?!) We've reinforced this by not judging or exploding at the truth, and explaining that one day he might need us to believe him totally and utterly. If he's always been scrupulously truthful that's a lot easier to do.

We've also encouraged crazy ideas. Right now DS wants to travel to India after his GCSE's. We've been broadly supportive and encouraging, while already having frantically googled and seen the group he wants to go with don't take unaccompanied under 18's. We've lamented with him the silliness of this rule and spoke about saving etc for after A- levels. His wishes are valid to us however crackers

Like a PP I have picked my battles. I too have little control over the car radio (I do refuse to have thrash metal) we also have bad language (the deal is not in front of grandma or the vicar) he normally goes to bed after us and I've all but given up on him having nice, short, tidy hair

Oh, and I've also spent more hours in guitar shops than I ever believed would be possible. Ditto theatres and cinemas, watching things I never imagined I would (midnight screening of Star Wars anyone? 🥱)

I have a very hormonal nearly 12 year old DD too and I concur with everything written. We also watch Modern Family together which is fab for laughing and being relaxed together.

I also try and read to her (and her 10 year old brother) a few nights a week. We're reading Northern Lights - we get into my bed and cuddle up together. It's lovely and no matter what stresses the day has seen it's a great way to leave them all behind before bed.

She also has a 'code phrase' (hers is an innocuous question about our dog) that if she ever texts it means she's really uncomfortable somewhere or doing something and wants us to ring her and make up a reason why we need to come and collect her without her having to do it herself (and lose face amongst her friends). We haven't had to use it yet but it's a good idea to have one ready for the future when she's more independent.

I found it easier to remember that the brain during pubity 'electronicly' speaking liquidates and reforms, a bit like the chrysalis state of the caterpillar to butterfly.

During this phase of development the pubescent child has hightened states of extremes, so love hate, all or nothing, estatic depressed. They can feel so very out of control and it does scare them. In psychoanalysis we talk about the teen brain as being psychotic (no conscious insight into states that they may find themselves in as apposed to neurotic, a state where insight is concious).

It is a case of movement forward then a step back.

Keep in mind that this too will pass and try not to take things personally.

Walking away instead of engaging in an arguement helps to defuse anger on both sides, parent and child. So a 'i feel that we need time to calm, we will talk when the anger has subsided.'

Keep bounderies in place and negotiate issues such as bed times, going out with friends. For example, she may wish to stay up all evening but a teen needs sleep, so bed time may be 8.30 but perhaps she could read a book in bed until 9 on school nights.

Be there for her to talk to, she will need guidance navigating friendship issues, keep calm and open. If something needs your intervention talk it through with a partner/family member/friend first, then speak with her. My dc are older teens and they will come to me if they are worried about a friend or an issue, knowing that i will try to work out how to deal with things with them, once i have given it some thought.

They really are like big toddlers! They need the hugs and physical presence whilst they work through this transition.

Make sure that she is eating well, it is good for teens to connect the dots between a good diet, brain function and emotions. Lots of water will help keep her alert and focused.

Exercise really is important, so sports clubs, martial arts and walking as a family, will help to keep her fit, healthy and it is great if you can take part in something as a child and parent together.

Raising teens can feel relentless, so something for you is recommended, a hobby that relaxes you, meeting up with friends and letting your hair down now and again.

She will come out the otherside hopefully as a pleasent well rounded young woman, whilst grey hair is awaiting for parents!

Ps the app 'what 3 words' is great for rescueing lost teens and registering her phone with the text police service may add an extra layer safeguarding wise.

I told DD I understand she is becoming a young women, it can be stressful and confusing though I'm hear to talk. I give her privacy to the extent though her internet usage is on my account I check it regularly.
She is a deep thinker not a sharer. It is a worrying time.

*Here. I saw a good book recommendation mentioned on a previous thread for parenting teens. Can't remember the name.

Tell her you love her and shes beautiful CONSTANTLY

Apart from this I agree with Ohno

There's so much emphasis on how teen girls look. Telling her she's smart, funny, fast, fit (sport not looks), kind or other appropriate compliment is much better imho.

If she's created a new hairstyle or tried a new makeup technique of course you can compliment her but I think it's healthier for teen girls in this photo filtered era to realise that they have other good traits that their friends might not point it because it might not look cool for a teen to be too positive.

We have a code for when dd wants to leave a situation but doesn't want to lose face by saying that she wants to leave.

If she texts me "C" , I will text her that she needs to come home ASAP. Dd deletes her text but shows her friends my text and can pretend she'd rather not leave but has to. We have an agreement that I won't ask her why she texted X but she has always confided later why. For example she was with her friends and they bumped into some other girls who were going to go shoplifting. My text meant that she wasn't in a situation where she could have gotten into serious trouble. We call the X text a get out of jail free card because it prevents dd from losing face and being trapped into a situation that she's not interested in.

Agree about trying to find a TV show to watch, we have done Gilmore Girls, Friends, Modern Family, Big Bang Theory.

But we also talk about things that happened in the episode ie Modern Family (we are only on season 5) that somehow you are only successful as a teenage girl if you have a boyfriend (constantly levelled at Alex) that smart girls don't get boyfriends, that somehow it is appropriate for Phil to lust after his step-MIL and worse, in front of his wife.

I also agree about showing a massive interest in something they are interested in, I have played Fortnite, watched Pokemon, watched Vines and memes they think are hysterically funny, listened to and played stupid songs in the car, listened to their opinions.

We talk about their day, what they did in each lesson and it can spark conversations. They too ask me about my day (hysterically funny as I am a SAHM with a chronic fatigue medical condition so it often involves a nap,) but I do volunteer. It demonstrates that they listen to other people and consider their thoughts and feelings. My sons are almost 17 and 14.

I do not tolerate eye rolling, it is disrespectful and I call them on it. They are not allowed to flounce out of a room. There is no winning or losing an argument just a different point of view. They have learned to negotiate for things they want.

Provide snacks .
Loads of weird trendy snacks.
Sweet snacks , Cool Korean snacks, posh snacks.
Teens hang around longer if there are snacks.
Also don’t threaten to confiscate the phone.
For your sanity, choose a different punishment.
Provide cosy stuff... fairy lights, fluffy socks, nice bedding. My teens are a bit like cats, they like to snuggle up with a film with all the snuggly stuff and heaps of food.
Get used to slang and swear words, there’ll be plenty.
Embrace love island .
Perfect the art of poker face for when they say something utterly shocking about what’s going on amongst their peer group. Don’t react , just get all the info and react in a stealth way later.
Fill a cupboard with a selection of hair removal products, sanitary items, deodorant, good teen skin products , anything they might be embarrassed to ask for, and keep it abundantly topped up.
Ensure you have a way of zapping money to them at lightning fast speed in an emergency.. perhaps they always keep a bank card in their phone case aside from their usual one which they forget. Enable fast money transfers and updates on your phones.
Have lots of chargers.
Learn to view pot noodle as a meal.
Encourage exercise.

My parents never told me that I was beautiful. I never felt pretty or attractive. While I don't "big up" my daughter's looks all of the time, they do feature within the compliments I give her. All things in moderation!

While I don't "big up" my daughter's looks all of the time, they do feature within the compliments I give her Me too.

I tell her she is as kind beautiful on the inside as well as the outside.
I try to use positive phrases without drilling them in, my DM has always been depressed very glass half empty. I encourage the glass half full attitude even if I don't believe it myself at times.

Im not sure i agree with texting all day. I prefer them off their phones and theyre not allowed to text during school hours anyway

My DD is 10 and a lovely girl but I can feel something similar starting.

I am really trying to be patient and not take it personally but man is it hard.
It is something about teenage girls and their mothers that just don't gel, she is fine (mostly) with OH.

Mornings are the worst bit for us so I wake her and pack her lunch then leave for work, OH does the rest. It seems to work better.

Sometimes I want to lock her in the cellar, there is just no reasoning with her

They really are like big toddlers! They need the hugs and physical presence whilst they work through this transition.

^

This. Also prone to irrational tantrums and hating things that they liked only yesterday. And they need regular food they get 'hangry' a lot.

Allow her regular “small victories”

By that I mean... let her make decisions for herself where possible. Let her win arguments sometimes when she right. Let her tackle tasks herself without interference to build her self esteem. Let her feel as much control over her own life as you can safely and practically. By doing so you’ll increase her confidence and self esteem. It’s also a good way to save your own energy for the hills you really do need to die on. Pick those battles wisely.

Remember - your job is to help her become independent of you.

Lastly in my house we have a rule. Tell the truth up front and whilst there might be a consequence there won’t be any anger. Keep the lines of communication open so she knows she can tell you things without you losing your shit.

I've been having this issue with my daughter, shes also 12.
I have been quite shocked by the attitude of her, as shes always been really approachable, and one day I had enough, and we had to talk about it.
I remember saying to her, I remember being your age.
When I was 12, I used to look at my mum and dad, and I used to think, they're so old, they dont understand the world as it is, they dont even want to understand me. Is that how you feel?
I gave her a moment, she said I didnt understand and she wanted to just do what her friends do and make some of her own decisions.

I followed up by saying I will do my best to make sure I listen to her views, and i always want to know what she thinks is important, but ultimately every decision I have ever made has been in her best interests, and that will never change, but we can talk things through, and she will have an input but when I say something is important, she has to listen because its still my job to take care of her and whilst shes not a baby, shes going to need guidance.
Its opened up the door for a lot of talks.
Now instead of rolling her eyes, shes more likely to say, but I dont want to do that for x,y,z.

Our relationship is easier without the attitude. It's nice because I also feel like it means shes going to turn to me more. She has recently come home and opened up to me about a few niggles at school, shes aware that big changes are happening, and I'm so bloody glad shes not shutting me out anymore.

I've been tell my kids the following over and over for a couple of years.
It's okay to be cross, angry, moody or however you feel.
It is not okay to take it out on anybody else.
If you want some space then tell us , a simple I'm not in the best mood today please leave me alone will do.

We still go into their rooms to say goodnight(13&11 yr old girls) and sometimes can have a good chat then.

As always ;
pick your battles
Practice what you preach
Respect boundaries

Listen. Is my main advice.
If you want them to bring their decisions & problems with you -- and mostly not lie about what they are doing, you need to listen. Find tolerance for them having opinions & desires you don't like. Don't be shocked when they get up to stuff they shouldn't have done.

That doesn't mean letting them get away with everything, more like acknowledging that they will have choice about doing the wrong thing but you want to give them the skills (and self-esteem) to make good choices, instead. That your first response to a giant mess they get themselves into won't be fury or punishment, but more like practical "How do we get this fixed" and "How do they take responsibility for their mistakes which means how do they make amends & fix the problems they caused."

I rarely give DD compliments. We're not a huge compliment family. A strategy of many compliments sits uneasily with me because I'd love & support her the same if she was the ugliest person physically and even if she isn't always the kindest. I know dynamics are different in other households so frequent compliments might work there fine.

I suppose if I do give DD a compliment she knows I mean it, it's not just a habit.

It's weird seeing puberty as an adult woman rather than having to go through it as the actual young woman.

It's tricky. She's not a child anymore, but she definitely isnt an adult. She may feel she wants to have the freedom and independence of an adult but she doesn't realise that the tough stuff and dangers of adult life would come with that. She wants to be all grown up, but secretly it's scary and uncertain at the moment and she still likes many of the things she liked a mere 6 months ago!

Meanwhile, the child you have loved and cared for and nurtured is turning into a hormonal monster who is unpredictable, all communication channels seem mixed up, some days you can't say the right thing, another day she wants hugs on the sofa and watching Netflix with you. But overall you want to still love and protect her, whilst encouraging her and supporting her.

We have been through it, but just like when we were there.... There is no way that she will believe that you have a clue about friendships, boys, fashion, being popular! Remember we're ancient to them! 😂

I would say just what a lot of other replies say - pick your battles, concentrate on keeping her literally safe and out of danger.... The state of her room and the bizarre fashion & make up aren't die in the ditch issues.

But there are boundaries - you respect her privacy and the freedoms that are appropriate for her age. In return she must return that respect in how she interacts with her family members and not abuse the limits of the freedoms she has.

You can even try to open lines of communication sometimes when it could be all too much in her hormonal mind to actually admit she needs to talk e.g she yells 'you wouldn't understand!' , you could try calmly sitting down or stay still with open body language and reply 'im not sure I do, can you tell me more about this so I can?'. Then listen, give her space to speak, and don't judge, just keep on using open questions and get her to find the answers with your support. It won't work every time.... She'll blow up and storm off a lot - but you will be signalling that you are there and are open to listen if she needs it.

She's testing boundaries and bouncing off the people she feels safest to test things out with. So in a bizarre way it's a compliment and reassuring that she's pushing back at you, because she trusts you won't just give up on her. Remember, all your life you have been like a super hero to her and have strength and reliability, sadly in her brain she won't realise that some of her actions are quite upsetting and at times hurtful. ☹️

Cheer her on, be there as a non judgemental sounding board and shoulder to cry on when necessary, be there for advice on puberty stuff like bras and spots and periods, offer those more grown up treats compared to the more childish ones...but let her take the lead because she may surprise you and want to do something together that you would have thought would be seen as 'too childish' (it probably would have been denounced as such if you dared suggest it! 😂).

I think overall it's roll with the punches as it were.... Cherish those days of sanity when you have a pleasant child, grit your teeth and just get the basics achieved on the days when you have the monster pubescent creature stomping around the house! Remember, you survived the toddler stage.... You can do this too! X

Thank you for starting this thread, DD is 10 and we are starting to see hints of hormones coming into play.

We are very similar in the way we react to things so I'm trying my best to remember how I used to feel and talk to her about it which seems to be helping.

Lots of great advice here for the up coming years.